Love (part one)

For a while now, I've been asking God more and more what love is. I think I blogged about this before, but with each new day He brings new revelation.


I started to ask the question on my DTS "What is love?" and along with that came many more questions.

Was it different back when Jesus walked the earth? Was it deeper? Was it more shallow? How did Jesus do it? What did it look like?

The bible says to be like Jesus. It says to love everyone, and yet that rule is one that we tend to let slip away. Or one that we take as a general thing like "it doesn't matter how you treat people, as long as behind everything you love them".

Do we realize that how you treat people does depict if we are loving them? Do we realize that not loving them is a REALLY big deal!

When I started to ask these questions I knew that I didn't love very many people. I loved a lot more people then, than I did 3 years ago, but still to love everyone seemed so far fetched and out of reach to me.

Agh but loving everyone is what I'm called to do!!!

I started praying about it more and I started to seek God out for His heart. I started to ask Him how He does it, and He started to show me.

These last couple months have been incredible, and hard, and interesting. They've been mind blowing and continue to be mind blowing.

I don't really know where to go from here. I don't want to write something so long that no one will read it, but now that I look at it I have a lot to say... maybe this is what my book will be about, but for now it will be a blog series.


Love (part one)

theories and what not

I don't know if I've written about this or not, but I actually think I haven't. Most people who read my blog already know that I applied and got accepted to staff at YWAM San Francisco. Right now I'm at home in Redding waiting until I can return. I have to raise support since YWAM is a non-profit organization. I need 155 more dollars a month to reach the minimum amount of support before I can go back. 200 more would probably be more ideal, but I guess whatever amount I receive is the amount that I need. (God knows)


I'm excited and anxious to get back but fortunately not over anxious. I know that I'll be back there in God's perfect timing, but I hope that His timing is soon!

I don't know how to say what I would like to say, or how to explain what I'm feeling.

I went to Ben and Ronda's wedding over this last weekend, (two other YWAM staff members) and it was really fun; a beautiful wedding. Over the past eight months of being involved with Youth With a Mission in San Francisco, but not being on staff yet, I've gotten to see the base and staff change a lot from a short distance; and really it has changed a lot. Going from DTS to SOS was a really great experience. Knowing what I'm about to be a part of makes me really happy. I'm excited about the change that's happened, and even more excited about the change that I'm going to get to be a part of.

I've been freed from a lot of insecurities over the last couple of months and I'm finding that the more freedom I experience, the more I'm able to love people. I LOVE loving people!! I feel like my broken heart is turning, and that the depth that was there because of broken pieces and hurt is being overcome with the depth of love and joy. It's really an incredible feeling. Sometimes I want to cry because I love so much. (sappy I know)

I've heard from a lot of people that going back on staff isn't what you expect. That it's harder at first and that it's lonely... but worth it at the same time and still incredible. I believe that this may be true, but I also think that even though it might be hard, right now no one can stop my joy or my love, because it's God given, unless I myself choose to forfeit it. There's a difference between Joy and Happiness. I like Dictionary.com's definition number 2 for joy: "a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated."

I love the word "appreciate" and what it really means (to me), is to recognize the worth of something. To recognize it so much so that the value actually increases because of how thankful or aware of it you are. If more people stopped to appreciate the little things in life... soon those little things would be valued as big things. I appreciate the word appreciate.

To be happy is to be happy over something "delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing" (dictionary.com) Joy is the state of being that you get caused by a source or a root. Joy is a feeling that lasts even when the situations around you are crap. Happiness depends on the situation. You can be in the worst situation, and you can still have joy.

So I know that life has trials, and that the world itself is sort of a "crap" situation. I know that I am a human and my understanding and grasp of joy depends on me. I know that there will be days where I am sad and lonely, that I will forget about this thing called joy, but I'm glad that there is this underlying factor. That beneath it all, my source and root for joy will never leave, it will always stay the same. That there's still a God and no matter how far away I am, or may seem, He's still within the distance of a reach.

I feel like I'm in this cycle of appreciation, joy, and love... I know that this is purely what God must be.


(I don't know if any of this makes any sense)

In Conclusion...

Saturday is the last day of this summer. I was wondering if I'll cry or not, thinking that I won't, I realized that I'm probably crazy. This "Summer of Service" has probably been the best Summer of my life. (All of a sudden I'm INCREDIBLY distracted by something that smells disgusting at the laundromat) Yet again I realize that God is constantly talking to me even when I don't realize it.

My lovely room mates, plus Helanie, who left way too soon.

My friend Ryan who brings me so much joy it's almost ridiculous.

ISABEL... the loveliest person I have ever met.

During the beginning of this summer I was praying that God would bring more joy into my life.

More Laughter.

I got way more than I expected.

I have felt more free to be myself, more free to love, more free to not care, to not hurt, to be independent, to be who I was created to be than ever before.



What excites me the most is the fact that I know that this is just the beginning of and incredible journey. I am going to miss all of these people so much, but with me I am taking away a part of them. More than memories; they have helped me to be more of who I am, enabled me to be free. I love them all. I love them all so much.




(I don't have pictures of everyone.... yet)

Random Thoughts

I hear sirens at least ten times a day, and I still always wonder where they're going.


I don't like to see people hurting, because it literally breaks my heart.


I get frustrated when someones crying and I don't have the right words to say.


I'm blunt because I think that honesty's the best way.


Jesus is the answer, for any problem.


I'm strong but weak all at the same time.


I don't want to know everything... I just want to have all of the solutions.


I hate to feel awkward but I don't mind embarrassment...


I think a lot of things are funny that other people don't.


I never want to make people feel like crap, even though I do. I want to love without holding back, without being afraid of getting hurt. I want to make people feel special and cared about, I want to love all people... even though I don't. It's possible... Jesus did it...


I want life to have more joy, and that's where God's freedom comes in. That's what I'm working towards.


Life is good... even when it sucks.


(I'm actually going to post this one)

to live

For some reason I constantly think of sayings or things I think would be cool on a t-shirt. I think I just want to make a statement to strangers. But then I think back on things I wanted to say on a t-shirt 3 months ago, and think "how dumb".

today I thought about this one. "LIVE with nothing hidden."

Having something hidden always affects my relationship with God... To fully live I think I would have to have nothing hidden. I think this is something I want to work on.... more thoughts later.

I was reading random old things out of "my documents" tonight, and came across my blogs from MA last summer. I only hope that these kids get as much out of it as I did, hopefully more. Here's a blog about the man that impacted me the most on MA


"It's funny that Juan sticks out to me the most, because he barely spoke any english, but we talked to him for over 30 minutes. Different than most of the other people we talked to, he wasn't high, or damaged from drug use, he was rather intelligent seeming. Most of the time he was the one doing the talking. I don't speak spanish either, none of us did. Sometimes he would strain really hard to think of the words in english, but when he couldn't he would just keep speaking in spanish. And he told us so much.

He told us that he hasn't seen or talked to his mother in over 20 years, and that he has no idea if she's alive or dead. He told us he was an alcoholic and that he didn't like the drugs but they were the only thing that made his head calm down. He said he had smoked rock, and heroine (but never injected in) and done cocaine. I think he might of said he stopped using them, but was just drunk all the time. He told us he didn't have his immigration papers, but that wasn't important to him. He told us about his very low paying job, about the hotel he lived in, about how much he paid for his can of tuna that was all his food, and about where he used to live before.

And then he cried out to us about God. He told us he was Catholic, and that maybe he believed there was a God, but was too hurt by it to follow Him. He told us that people have been telling him that Jesus is coming for 20 years, and he wonders where Jesus is. He said the bible talks about the nino's (kids) and how special they are, so he doesn't understand why they are dying. He's hurt by the fact that the Tsunami killed a ton of innocent people, and he wonders where Jesus was during that.

He wonders where Jesus is in the war going on in the middle east, and why people are dying. He wonders why he used to have a bed to sleep on, but now he has no bed. He wonders why he used to have food to eat but now he has no food. He wonders how his mom is, and his brother and sister. He repeats himself over and over, showing more and more hurt each time. He never even touches his hot chocolate.

For most of the conversation I stared straight into his eyes, and even though they were glazed over and drunk, they were so filled with hurt. It wrenched my stomach. He told me he has nothing to live for. He said that it's a good thing that we follow Jesus, but he cannot. He says he cries out to him "WHY WHY WHY!!???" but still he does not know.

It was so incredibly difficult to sit there in front of him, and not be able to comfort his pain. I wanted to say soo much but couldn't because he didn't speak very much english at all. I wanted soo badly to hug this man and explain to him that the love that Jesus has for him that will take away all of that pain, but I couldn't. All I could do was stare into those eyes, and listen to him speak. We even had to leave before he was done talking.

So before we left we asked if we could pray for him and he said yes. He asked us to pray for his mother, and his sister Gloria, and his brother who was also named Juan. I don't remember if he actually asked us to pray for him or not... but maybe. Then in front of us he took off his hat, and knelt before us on the ground. Shelby gave me the look to start praying, and so I did. I placed my hand upon his shoulder and began to speak. I have no idea what I said at all, or if he could understand it, but he began to weep. With my hand on his back I could feel his deep breaths, and his sobs. I have no idea how I didn't begin to ball right there, but I walked away feeling completely torn.

In the debrief I started to cry when I talked about him. Not because I thought he had no hope of coming to know Jesus, but because I felt his pain. I was broken for him, and literally hurting.

I went back to Hannah's hotel that night to stay the night, because I needed to be alone, or with my second family. I was exhausted and thought I would fall asleep right away, but didn't. I began to cry again, more for him, I prayed more for him, and wondered where he was. The image of his eyes is still stuck in my head. I can only hope that we made a difference in his life, but I will never know. My heart hurts when I think of Juan. I know that if my heart hurts, I can only imagine the pain and love that God feels for Juan. I don't think that God will let him leave like that you know.

If you would like, pray for Juan.

You wonder what happened to these people. Normal people, you and me, now down on the streets. If it is that easy to get down there, you'd think maybe it would be that easy to get back up? But it's not. You think maybe they fell because they had no one to keep them from falling? How are they going to rise back up if they continue to have no one. I think every huge positive change in someone's life starts with the person that helped them. Most of these people just need someone to help them. Someone to believe that they can change, and someone to show them the doors to do it. The only thing that every person has in common is that they want to be loved, and they want to give love. So you think if you give someone that one thing they definitely desire, when no one else is, you'll make a difference.

I want to love more people."


Just something for me to think about

ahhh!!!

I miss my home!!!!! I miss my home!!! I miss my home!!!

Not anything to be worried about, I'm pretty sure this is a normal feeling. I think I'm going to go home after SOS and just sleep for a month. Maybe get a new cat or dog to sleep with me. Aww I really want a dog.

SOS is going really well, I just feel like I have no time to rest. (But I do, I slept in until 12 today, I have the entire day off) I wonder if this is what it always feels like working where you live.

I've been contemplating what I'm doing next after this, and thinking about it a lot hasn't helped at all. I still have no idea. I don't want to tell you what I might do, because I could be very wrong. I've been praying about it, and God hasn't really told me yet.

This is what I want to do someday in the future.
I want to write a book.
I want to make a video document.
Therefore at some point I want to buy a video camera...
A computer....
Video editing programs.
I want to travel.
I want life to be spontaneous and eventful.
I want to see God move in insane ways.
I want to be bold and figure out more of who I am in him.
I want adventure.
I want love. (not a husband or boyfriend... just love in my life in general)
I want to practice what I preach.
I want a clean heart.
A dog?
Ambition
and Goals.


I think that's all I have to say right now.

Who'd I meet today.

Today was the block party. The thing I was assigned to was the prayer station, which is kind of funny. I have the feeling that I suck at praying lately; that talking to the lord isn't going very well, and isn't the easiest right now, so I really wasn't looking forward to it.

I haven't been the most content person lately either, the two problems probably go hand in hand.

I walked around a lot, and then finally sucked it up and approached the prayer station when I saw a woman standing alone waiting for someone available. She said she wanted a bible and so I gave one to her, her name was Linda. I asked Linda if she wanted prayer for anything and she said yes. I asked her what, and she told me that she needed a job, and needed someone to pray for her health. This is a common prayer in the TL... maybe one of the most common prayers.

Linda's face was incredibly kind, she was an extremely beautiful woman. Besides slight wearing of her teeth, her face looked like it was in good shape, she didn't look like she was on drugs. I prayed for her, and it was nothing special. No words came from God (or at least in my opinion they didn't) and it wasn't very specific, but when I looked up she was balling. She said thank you in a broken voice and turned to walk away with her head hung low. I stopped her, and hugged her. She clutched onto me tightly, and then she was gone.

I prayed for one or two more people before leaving to roam around again, I don't remember what it was about.

I stopped at the Prayer Station every once in a while, and handed out a bible to a couple people who asked for one. Fifteen minutes before the block party was over, I returned to the station again... pretty much in guilt, knowing that I really hadn't been doing my job at all. I stood there for a minute and then saw a woman motioning for someone to come to her. I looked around and then realized she was motioning to me.

Her name is Gwendolyn, she needs two hip replacements, two knee replacements, and has a hurt foot... she couldn't make it to the station. She shared a poem with me that she wanted to read on stage, but we didn't have time. It was about "what if God went on strike", and it was really good. I got Isabel to pray with me for her, I just felt like I should. (get Isabel, not pray... that ones kind of obvious)

After we prayed for her, she asked me if we did anything for Christmas. She has a 13 year old son who's birthday is in December, and she can't afford to get him presents for both (maybe even just one). It's only June... and she's already thinking about trying to buy her son presents for Christmas.

I love how my heart breaks, and I hate it at the same time. It hurts too bad. (I think that badly is the correct grammar but it still sounds wrong to me) Oh wow it hurts.

Six months ago I messaged Audrey and asked her if they did anything in San Francisco for Christmas, because I wanted to come down and give out presents. I think this was like 3 days before Christmas. I didn't even have money, but at the time I was determined that somehow I was going to do it anyways.... I didn't come down for Christmas, instead I ended up here on DTS.

My heart screamed when she asked me about presents because I wanted the answer to be yes so badly. I think I said something like, "No, but we're working on it", which is a complete lie. Who is we???? But I took her phone number, and her address... and no matter where I am in 6 months, her son is getting more presents than he ever has.

UGHHHH I don't know why this affects me sooo much!!!!


Tonight on hot chocolate I met a guy named DC... about 18 years old. I almost told my girls not to ask him. I'm a jerk, and he looked average dressed to me, and I didn't want him to be offended.

You know what he said.

He said he's out there all the time, and that he always sees us passing out hot chocolate but nobody ever asks him. That he thinks that his tears probably scare people away, and make us not want to talk to him.

I'm an asshole.

My heart has a problem... I have a lot to figure out.

such a pain in the butt.


So discontent.