Smith

I feel weird writing a blog about a person (not a real blog I'm not gonna publish this) but I guess this is something that I should remember.

I know that God places all people in our lives that are there for a reason, but I think there are some people He places in our lives for a more specific reason. I've always felt like Audrey is one of these people, even though I have no idea what the reason she's in my life is. I felt like this since I did MA which is weird. I knew she'd be in my life again. At that point I had absolutely no plans on ever doing a DTS or anything else with YWAM. Even though she suggested I do a DTS she's definitely not the one who persuaded me, but never the less, I ended up here, with her.

It's been interesting getting to know her. Hard actually. We don't really click, and I don't understand why. Seriously the best word to describe it is just "hard". I don't know if she feels the same way. I know I love her, I care about her, probably more than I care about a lot of people actually, but still there's something that stops me from being comfortable around her.

Fear of rejection I think. I don't know why it's so strong when I'm around her. There's this constant battle to show her that I love her, but guard my heart as well, and it doesn't work. I don't know how to get past it. I feel like she rejects me a lot, like I just can't get through.

Before I came back on staff I was asking God why I'm coming. I just felt like God said "to love them" love who? Staff specifically, but everyone. I also felt God specifically tell me to love Audrey, even if it hurts. Really it does hurt. I realized yesterday that I carry around this "I can't be offended" attitude and with most people it's true, but with her she can hurt me so easily. Then I must try and be hard or something so I react rudely back.

But then there have been times where I tell her that she makes me insecure. Wow, how humiliating that feels, but how true. I hate to be affected by her honestly. I hate trying to love her.

Yesterday I was frustrated. I get pissed off trying to love someone who I feel doesn't love me... and doesn't really care if I love them or not. I was battling it out with God in the shower. "why am I supposed to love her? what do I freaking do to love her?  how do I not hurt myself in the process? How do I break through walls? Am I supposed to break through walls? " In my head I was seriously thinking I can't put my heart on the line to be her friend... I can't keep trying... God I'm gonna give up unless something changes.

I got out of the shower, and sat down on my bed... ten minutes later Audrey skyped me and said "I'm depressed".

What? Is she actually telling me what's going on in her life?

I went over and talked to her. About random crap, not actually about being depressed, but it was good.

maybe I was just there, maybe I was her last resort, but it was enough for God to say "I still want you to love her"

I don't think it was a huge breakthrough in our relationship... I think it's a slow crack. I think it'll still be hard, I think I'll still be rejected... but I'm still learning what love is.

I'm not at all saying it's hard for me to love Audrey... it's easy for me to love Audrey... it's hard for me to show Audrey that I lover her... or to actually care about her because of fear of rejection.

10/25/07