I have lost sight of God in so many ways. I have forgotten what His voice sounds like, I don't really know when the last time I heard it was. I forgot what it's like to love Him. To be passionate and excited. To mourn after the people that live the cold life away from Him. I have leaned more and more towards being one of those people. That's an exaggeration, but I'm feeling too deeply right now to separate truth, and emotions.
Oh God. I feel like I constantly face this wall that I cannot crack. That I can only break down piece by piece, and no matter how small it gets, it's still something I trip over when I turn to seek after God. Right now this wall seems massive though, completely rebuilt, and blocking my view.
I know, I know, I know that God is there. That He is amazing, that He is just and that He loves me, but oh I cannot feel it, and His absence hurts so badly. The numbness I feel towards Him is so irritating. And all I have right now is discipline, is seeking after Him even in the darkest hour, even when I cannot feel Him and that seems too hard. Praying seems too hard.
Right now I feel like I have lost my concept of friends. I ache for a friend. I talk to my mom more about things than anyone else. Which is good, my mom is amazing, but I wish that I was more appreciated. That I had people around me who love who I am, and want to be around me.
2008
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