I'm Leaving...

I don't really know where to begin. I think I have some deep rooted issues. And on the outside I look fine, and day to day I'm fine but these things don't go away. And I either try and trick myself and say that they're not big, or I say that they're too big. It's a battle knowing if I need help and knowing if I'm over reacting. When I say "deep rooted issues" it make it sound huge, and that's not what I mean. I mean I have some issues that are really deep inside me... so deep that I could probably just keep going and not ever address the issues. Most people just keep going, but I know they're there and I want to fix them.

My heart is willing and ready... but the rest of me won't go.

So I'm leaving San Francisco. I'm checking out. I'm saying that I'm too weak to carry on, and that's okay. Sometimes being strong is admitting that you're weak. Because when you're weak and you take on false strength, you mislead people, you hurt people, including yourself, and that's not what I want to do. I'm admitting that I'm weak and I hate it. I really hate it, but I'm admitting it anyways.

I love San Francisco. I love the staff and I love the people on the outside of this brick bubble, and as much as I hate doing "homeless ministry" I love those people, and the stories they hold, and the weird things they do. I love them.

I came here and I'm not sure if it's because God wanted me to, or because I wanted to, but I know that God has used it. I know that when I first got here God really told me to love the people, not only the people on the streets but the ones inside this building. Especially the staff members, and that wasn't hard. I love them so much.

My time on staff has been good, and it's been hard. I've struggled through a lot, and failed more than I ever thought I would. In this time God has dug up a lot of deep rooted issues in me that I didn't know were there. He's allowed pain to surface that I didn't know I carried, and some of it's still going on. But through the pain I've found it easy to love the community, to love the people, to love my comfortable little room, but for many reasons, so very hard to love Him.

I've been scared to admit that I feel that I'm not supposed to be here. I've been scared this whole time to actually face that fact, because if I did face it and realize that I really wasn't supposed to be here, then I'd have to leave. But a couple months ago I decided it was really important to finally face God and ask Him what my purpose here is. I don't know if I actually faced Him, but I asked Him, and I didn't get an answer so I asked again, and again. Some time went by and I realized I was ready to face the bigger question. The question if I was really in the place that God wanted me to be. I was ready to take on the possibility that I might have to leave. As scared as I was, I was ready.

So I faced it, and I dug in and I questioned, and I cried and I cried... and I cried, and in the end, for many reasons, I realized that I have to leave. I realized that this is not the place for me anymore, and I admitted it. And now I'm leaving. And now I'm realizing even more that I have no idea where I'm going. I'm giving up all of the things that I love, because I can love all of those things without loving God. I'm realizing that I have tons of issues, or "tons of cracks in my keel", and that if my ship keeps sailing the way it's sailing it will sink. I'm leaving here with nothing to hold on to and that is so scary. I'm leaving here because I know that I need to love God and it's too easy not to with all these other things to love. And this is me, letting go, and jumping out.

This is me saying that He's now the only thing to hold onto, and this is me knowing that if I leave here and choose not to hold onto Him, my issues are going to bury me alive. This is me admitting that I'm scared. I'm scared because it's come to this point, but I believe that among many other reasons, this is one of the main reasons why I was here. To come to this point. I'm scared because I feel like I have nothing at this moment, and no idea what's going on. I'm scared because this hurts more than I want it too. This is the least in control I've ever been and probably the most I've ever let go of. But I know that this is what God is asking me to do.

I'm glad because I know that even though it feel so unnatural and hard, I'm in the right place. A speaker was talking about this today, and it became really clear to me. The keel is the bottom part of the ship that goes in the water and balances the ship out. It's the part under the ship that you can't see. If the keel has cracks in it the ship does not sail right, and eventually the cracks will break the bottom of the boat and the boat will sink.

I had this picture of me as a ship. My cracks were being mended, they were finally being fixed. I was finally able to sail freely, without using all of my might to keep the boat upright, and sailing meant being able to find my purpose. And it became clear that my purpose is in these cracks. That my purpose will be helping people with these same cracks and until they're fixed I won't find this purpose, I won't get to set sail.

I hope you know that I'm not leaving because I hate it here, or because it's too hard. I'm leaving because I know that God desires my heart more than I desire His. Because I know that there's so much to life, and I can only live it if I live it with Him.

So pray for me because I don't know if I can do it. Pray that I will grab onto the Lord. And thank you for being so amazing. Thank you for being so easy to love and teaching me so much.

Song to go with my blog... and my life

A voice is on the wind
It calls me further in
I’m heading deeper into Your heart
Your mark is on my chest
My sails filled with your breath
You guide me by the light of the sun

I’m sailing on a ship that’s bound for life
I wrestle with the wind against the tide
I'd leave it all behind to reach for more
I’m sailing on to Your golden shore, to Your golden shore

The skies go blue to grey
And I’m thrown from wave to wave
You still will hear these lungs singing hard
With every storm I face
I find a greater grace
That pulls me deeper into Your heart

I’m sailing on a ship that’s bound for life
I wrestle with the wind against the tide
I'd leave it all behind to reach for more
I’m sailing on to Your golden shore

I’m sailing on a ship that’s bound for life
I wrestle with the wind against the tide
I leave it all behind to reach for more
I’m sailing on to where the water’s running sweet and bright
The sun is rising in the eastern sky
I'd leave it all behind to reach for more
I’m sailing on to Your golden shore

Song by Phil Wickham... prophetic word from Teressa