what is life supposed to be?

I hate not laughing. I hate going through weeks at a time with nothing really funny going on. How do I change that?

I used to laugh a lot, and I used to joke a lot. It's strange. When I lost my pain and all the stuff from my past, I literally lost a part of me, but it feels like I also lost the part of me that covers up the pain, the part that jokes around. The ability to not deal with anything and instead just make it funny. Which is a good thing of course... but why can't life be funnier.

I look at people walking around that seem fine, but they just don't seem alive. They just don't seem like they're having fun. And maybe they're content and maybe nothings wrong... but shouldn't it be better than that?

For some reason I have a quote in my head from someone saying that we were never meant to be happy. But we are right? God wants us to be happy doesn't He?


On outreach on one of the ministry nights in the Piazza I felt like God wanted me to be happy, like he was telling me to have joy. I was in a group with Ronda and Audre, we walked around a lot and then Ronda turned to me and said "You felt like God wanted you to be happy tonight, okay, what makes you happy?"

Good question
Oh wow... I just remembered my initial thought to that question and it wasn't a good one.

7/21/07

Getting high and having a glass of wine was my first thought.