Who'd I meet today.

Today was the block party. The thing I was assigned to was the prayer station, which is kind of funny. I have the feeling that I suck at praying lately; that talking to the lord isn't going very well, and isn't the easiest right now, so I really wasn't looking forward to it.

I haven't been the most content person lately either, the two problems probably go hand in hand.

I walked around a lot, and then finally sucked it up and approached the prayer station when I saw a woman standing alone waiting for someone available. She said she wanted a bible and so I gave one to her, her name was Linda. I asked Linda if she wanted prayer for anything and she said yes. I asked her what, and she told me that she needed a job, and needed someone to pray for her health. This is a common prayer in the TL... maybe one of the most common prayers.

Linda's face was incredibly kind, she was an extremely beautiful woman. Besides slight wearing of her teeth, her face looked like it was in good shape, she didn't look like she was on drugs. I prayed for her, and it was nothing special. No words came from God (or at least in my opinion they didn't) and it wasn't very specific, but when I looked up she was balling. She said thank you in a broken voice and turned to walk away with her head hung low. I stopped her, and hugged her. She clutched onto me tightly, and then she was gone.

I prayed for one or two more people before leaving to roam around again, I don't remember what it was about.

I stopped at the Prayer Station every once in a while, and handed out a bible to a couple people who asked for one. Fifteen minutes before the block party was over, I returned to the station again... pretty much in guilt, knowing that I really hadn't been doing my job at all. I stood there for a minute and then saw a woman motioning for someone to come to her. I looked around and then realized she was motioning to me.

Her name is Gwendolyn, she needs two hip replacements, two knee replacements, and has a hurt foot... she couldn't make it to the station. She shared a poem with me that she wanted to read on stage, but we didn't have time. It was about "what if God went on strike", and it was really good. I got Isabel to pray with me for her, I just felt like I should. (get Isabel, not pray... that ones kind of obvious)

After we prayed for her, she asked me if we did anything for Christmas. She has a 13 year old son who's birthday is in December, and she can't afford to get him presents for both (maybe even just one). It's only June... and she's already thinking about trying to buy her son presents for Christmas.

I love how my heart breaks, and I hate it at the same time. It hurts too bad. (I think that badly is the correct grammar but it still sounds wrong to me) Oh wow it hurts.

Six months ago I messaged Audrey and asked her if they did anything in San Francisco for Christmas, because I wanted to come down and give out presents. I think this was like 3 days before Christmas. I didn't even have money, but at the time I was determined that somehow I was going to do it anyways.... I didn't come down for Christmas, instead I ended up here on DTS.

My heart screamed when she asked me about presents because I wanted the answer to be yes so badly. I think I said something like, "No, but we're working on it", which is a complete lie. Who is we???? But I took her phone number, and her address... and no matter where I am in 6 months, her son is getting more presents than he ever has.

UGHHHH I don't know why this affects me sooo much!!!!


Tonight on hot chocolate I met a guy named DC... about 18 years old. I almost told my girls not to ask him. I'm a jerk, and he looked average dressed to me, and I didn't want him to be offended.

You know what he said.

He said he's out there all the time, and that he always sees us passing out hot chocolate but nobody ever asks him. That he thinks that his tears probably scare people away, and make us not want to talk to him.

I'm an asshole.

My heart has a problem... I have a lot to figure out.

such a pain in the butt.


So discontent.

It's been too long

I should go to bed, but I'm not.


I keep on trying to write a blog, and I get halfway through and then decide not to post it.


DTS has been over for three weeks, and I haven't written anything since before outreach. I'm not even going to try and catch people up on the last three months of my life, because that seems impossible. Too much has happened. Parts of it will probably come up in the future though, but not now.


I went to Chester today for Lydia's graduation, which was strange. If I didn't move in 8th grade, that would've been me up there tonight, graduating with the rest of them.

I think I handle change okay, until I look back and realize that now everything is different.

Being in Redding is hard now. It's at the point where it's barely my home anymore. It's that awkward feeling of a familiar place that you don't quite fit in anymore, being in Chester is even more weird. I don't like going there. Chester sort of represents everything that was never good for me. It represents a hard time in my life, where I made a lot of mistakes, and caused myself a lot of pain. It represents who I used to be, and not who I am now. When I used to go back there it was like I would immediately start walking in my old footsteps, and I hated it. I hate going there.

Tonight was really hard for some reason, and I don't know why. I just had a horrible feeling in my stomach almost the entire time. The past is a strange thing. Talking to people made me really appreciate where God has taken me though. I can't believe I graduated a year ago. I can't believe all that has happened in the last year, and what is happening right now. I am so blessed, and I am so lucky. Life is soo good in San Francisco. I am doing so well, I live in a room with 3 people I pretty much met 2 weeks ago, and I love them. I'm comfortable there, and it's normal, and I'm not sad.


I'm still a little bit bummed with the feeling of not really having a home anymore.

I'm in need of love right now, which is why I'm going to go to bed.



This is something I normally wouldn't end up posting, but since it's been so long I feel like I have to post SOMETHING so I'll get over this random blockage.