Is It Time For Me To Leave?

Just when I thought everything was getting better.... it wasn't.

I smoked pot this last weekend. If I told leadership that I did, then I would be fired. Without a doubt, fired. I don't feel guilt or shame, or maybe I do. I don't feel like smoking pot is the worst thing that you could do. I feel like I did something stupid, like I did something wrong. That I no longer have the right to be here. That I took away the factor that I should be here, and now I no longer should. So I can stay here if I decide to never tell them, but if I tell them that would be me choosing to leave. But by smoking did I already choose to leave? Am I already gone? Is it just a matter of time before this eats me alive and I confess? What did I do? I know that you mess up. That sin happens... but did this sin happen because I'm not supposed to be here anymore? Or am I supposed to be here and I just messed up.

Is one sin bigger than another? Is this something that I should let slide under the rug? I jay-walked today too. That's illegal also, but I don't think leadership would care if I told them. I don't feel like telling them I smoked. I don't feel like letting them decide if I have the right to stay here or not.

What is "leadership"? Who is "leadership"? Right now I feel like so much is going wrong that I don't understand. I just talked to my dad and he said it's funny because YWAM sets up my tax's that I'm an independent contractor, that means that I don't take any orders from anyone. That I'm the boss, that I don't have leadership. If I did have leadership I would be an employee. So this whole "leadership" thing is just an invisible line, or a lie. A legal lie.

Here at the base we use the basement next door even though legally we're not supposed to. We also use food bank food to feed our MA students and DTS, food that only supposed to be used for the homeless. We lie by omission, and I'm not saying that it's right, but I think that if I'm being held to the bases standards the base is pretty low.

2008