Scientific research shows that Sexual Orientation can be affected by the amount of testosterone an infant is given in the womb. This explains gay stereo types; why lesbians as children identify more with the boys. They stay away from "girlish things", and so on. What's interesting is the fact that stereotypes of women and men are different in all countries. Although here men don't generally wear pink, or skirts and dresses, it is different in other cultures.

It wouldn't be a hormone that would attract a girl to wear boys clothes, but it would be a hormone that would make a girl relate to boys more easily.

I wonder how a girl given more testosterone in the womb would develop growing up in an environment secluded from men. But there is also the theory that a girl is more likely to be gay if she doesn't have a present loving father figure in her life.

Science also says that being given more testosterone in the womb, is a genetic malfunction. This malfunction is hereditary which makes it likely that other people in that family are also gay.

Here's the thing... Scientifically, and socially I find myself falling under every stereotype of a gay girl. This is something I've tried to avoid, no one wants to be a stereo type. No one wants to admit that who they are is designed, or even predicted by, their surroundings. None the less, I unfortunately do carry most stereotypes of a lesbian, whether they be "scientific, or religious guesses", and... drum role please.... I am attracted to girls.

As a kid I loved football, and hanging out with the boys. I wanted to pee standing up, I wanted to dress like a boy, but my mom wouldn't let me. I wanted to be best friends with the boys, all the way until high school.
(this doesn't make someone gay though does it? no it doesn't. but a lot of lesbians will relate to this fact as well)

My dad was never present, and I was very close to my mom. I didn't even like my dad until I was in high school. Now I love him, but I still find it hard to trust him; I find it hard to trust most men. (This doesn't make me gay does it? no. But most religious people will try to tell me this is why I like girls. Not based at all by science, or actual facts... but people still try to use it.)

I was molested as a child. Not that I remember it at all, but I'm pretty sure that it happened.
(This doesn't make me gay does it? no. lots of people who are molested as children turn out straight)

I had two brothers, and I came after 4 miscarriages. I was born after faulty prenatal vitamins, that contained who knows what. (no.... lots of people have brothers, AND miscarriages, right?)

My mom struggled with her own sexuality. Wondering if she was gay or not. She had several crushes on women, and at one point believed she would never be satisfied by a man.  (This doesn't make me gay does it? no. it makes my mom gay. hah, but science says that yes, if someone else in my family has homosexual tendencies, I am more likely to have homosexual tendencies)

I've spent the last year wondering why people are gay. Something that a lot of people like to do. Christians especially like to try to figure out why people are gay. Most try to figure out a way to blame someone for being "a pervert" and what I've realized is that I fall under every stereotype that might make me gay. All of them might contribute to the fact, one of them might contribute, none of them might contribute. Without being able to truly pinpoint anything, what matters isn't why I'm attracted to girls, it's simply the fact that I am attracted to girls.

What does this mean? What does this mean for me alone? What does this mean for me, and everyone else? (Yes, this does affect my relationship with everyone else, especially Christians, and homosexuals) And most importantly, what does this mean for me and God? None of these things I've figured out yet. What's hardest is that I don't have patience. I feel like this is something that hugely influences my life. How I choose to handle it, defines who I am, and the affect that I will have on this world.

What I'm afraid of. I'm afraid that the girls that I'm attracted to will blame me, and won't want to be my friends. Even though I would NEVER act out those feelings on one of them. I'm afraid that the Christian community will suddenly find it to be their responsibility to hold me accountable; judging every relationship I have with a female, and deciding what parts of my life are "perverted". Giving me advice to lose parts of myself, that I don't feel like I'm supposed to lose. I'm afraid that I will handle this wrong. Either by completely denying it and trying to be straight, or by completely accepting it, and not letting "gender" get in the way. Honestly, I don't know which one God prefers for me. I believe that this is one of those issues in the "keel" of my ship. That God is calling me to share his love, by being able to relate to people who have the same issues. I'm afraid that I will lose myself to shame. That I won't be honest enough, that I will be afraid of what people think. I'm afraid that shame will be forced on me, and I'm not quite sure how to fight that shame.

10/4/08