Love (part one)

For a while now, I've been asking God more and more what love is. I think I blogged about this before, but with each new day He brings new revelation.


I started to ask the question on my DTS "What is love?" and along with that came many more questions.

Was it different back when Jesus walked the earth? Was it deeper? Was it more shallow? How did Jesus do it? What did it look like?

The bible says to be like Jesus. It says to love everyone, and yet that rule is one that we tend to let slip away. Or one that we take as a general thing like "it doesn't matter how you treat people, as long as behind everything you love them".

Do we realize that how you treat people does depict if we are loving them? Do we realize that not loving them is a REALLY big deal!

When I started to ask these questions I knew that I didn't love very many people. I loved a lot more people then, than I did 3 years ago, but still to love everyone seemed so far fetched and out of reach to me.

Agh but loving everyone is what I'm called to do!!!

I started praying about it more and I started to seek God out for His heart. I started to ask Him how He does it, and He started to show me.

These last couple months have been incredible, and hard, and interesting. They've been mind blowing and continue to be mind blowing.

I don't really know where to go from here. I don't want to write something so long that no one will read it, but now that I look at it I have a lot to say... maybe this is what my book will be about, but for now it will be a blog series.


Love (part one)

theories and what not

I don't know if I've written about this or not, but I actually think I haven't. Most people who read my blog already know that I applied and got accepted to staff at YWAM San Francisco. Right now I'm at home in Redding waiting until I can return. I have to raise support since YWAM is a non-profit organization. I need 155 more dollars a month to reach the minimum amount of support before I can go back. 200 more would probably be more ideal, but I guess whatever amount I receive is the amount that I need. (God knows)


I'm excited and anxious to get back but fortunately not over anxious. I know that I'll be back there in God's perfect timing, but I hope that His timing is soon!

I don't know how to say what I would like to say, or how to explain what I'm feeling.

I went to Ben and Ronda's wedding over this last weekend, (two other YWAM staff members) and it was really fun; a beautiful wedding. Over the past eight months of being involved with Youth With a Mission in San Francisco, but not being on staff yet, I've gotten to see the base and staff change a lot from a short distance; and really it has changed a lot. Going from DTS to SOS was a really great experience. Knowing what I'm about to be a part of makes me really happy. I'm excited about the change that's happened, and even more excited about the change that I'm going to get to be a part of.

I've been freed from a lot of insecurities over the last couple of months and I'm finding that the more freedom I experience, the more I'm able to love people. I LOVE loving people!! I feel like my broken heart is turning, and that the depth that was there because of broken pieces and hurt is being overcome with the depth of love and joy. It's really an incredible feeling. Sometimes I want to cry because I love so much. (sappy I know)

I've heard from a lot of people that going back on staff isn't what you expect. That it's harder at first and that it's lonely... but worth it at the same time and still incredible. I believe that this may be true, but I also think that even though it might be hard, right now no one can stop my joy or my love, because it's God given, unless I myself choose to forfeit it. There's a difference between Joy and Happiness. I like Dictionary.com's definition number 2 for joy: "a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated."

I love the word "appreciate" and what it really means (to me), is to recognize the worth of something. To recognize it so much so that the value actually increases because of how thankful or aware of it you are. If more people stopped to appreciate the little things in life... soon those little things would be valued as big things. I appreciate the word appreciate.

To be happy is to be happy over something "delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing" (dictionary.com) Joy is the state of being that you get caused by a source or a root. Joy is a feeling that lasts even when the situations around you are crap. Happiness depends on the situation. You can be in the worst situation, and you can still have joy.

So I know that life has trials, and that the world itself is sort of a "crap" situation. I know that I am a human and my understanding and grasp of joy depends on me. I know that there will be days where I am sad and lonely, that I will forget about this thing called joy, but I'm glad that there is this underlying factor. That beneath it all, my source and root for joy will never leave, it will always stay the same. That there's still a God and no matter how far away I am, or may seem, He's still within the distance of a reach.

I feel like I'm in this cycle of appreciation, joy, and love... I know that this is purely what God must be.


(I don't know if any of this makes any sense)

In Conclusion...

Saturday is the last day of this summer. I was wondering if I'll cry or not, thinking that I won't, I realized that I'm probably crazy. This "Summer of Service" has probably been the best Summer of my life. (All of a sudden I'm INCREDIBLY distracted by something that smells disgusting at the laundromat) Yet again I realize that God is constantly talking to me even when I don't realize it.

My lovely room mates, plus Helanie, who left way too soon.

My friend Ryan who brings me so much joy it's almost ridiculous.

ISABEL... the loveliest person I have ever met.

During the beginning of this summer I was praying that God would bring more joy into my life.

More Laughter.

I got way more than I expected.

I have felt more free to be myself, more free to love, more free to not care, to not hurt, to be independent, to be who I was created to be than ever before.



What excites me the most is the fact that I know that this is just the beginning of and incredible journey. I am going to miss all of these people so much, but with me I am taking away a part of them. More than memories; they have helped me to be more of who I am, enabled me to be free. I love them all. I love them all so much.




(I don't have pictures of everyone.... yet)

Random Thoughts

I hear sirens at least ten times a day, and I still always wonder where they're going.


I don't like to see people hurting, because it literally breaks my heart.


I get frustrated when someones crying and I don't have the right words to say.


I'm blunt because I think that honesty's the best way.


Jesus is the answer, for any problem.


I'm strong but weak all at the same time.


I don't want to know everything... I just want to have all of the solutions.


I hate to feel awkward but I don't mind embarrassment...


I think a lot of things are funny that other people don't.


I never want to make people feel like crap, even though I do. I want to love without holding back, without being afraid of getting hurt. I want to make people feel special and cared about, I want to love all people... even though I don't. It's possible... Jesus did it...


I want life to have more joy, and that's where God's freedom comes in. That's what I'm working towards.


Life is good... even when it sucks.


(I'm actually going to post this one)

to live

For some reason I constantly think of sayings or things I think would be cool on a t-shirt. I think I just want to make a statement to strangers. But then I think back on things I wanted to say on a t-shirt 3 months ago, and think "how dumb".

today I thought about this one. "LIVE with nothing hidden."

Having something hidden always affects my relationship with God... To fully live I think I would have to have nothing hidden. I think this is something I want to work on.... more thoughts later.

I was reading random old things out of "my documents" tonight, and came across my blogs from MA last summer. I only hope that these kids get as much out of it as I did, hopefully more. Here's a blog about the man that impacted me the most on MA


"It's funny that Juan sticks out to me the most, because he barely spoke any english, but we talked to him for over 30 minutes. Different than most of the other people we talked to, he wasn't high, or damaged from drug use, he was rather intelligent seeming. Most of the time he was the one doing the talking. I don't speak spanish either, none of us did. Sometimes he would strain really hard to think of the words in english, but when he couldn't he would just keep speaking in spanish. And he told us so much.

He told us that he hasn't seen or talked to his mother in over 20 years, and that he has no idea if she's alive or dead. He told us he was an alcoholic and that he didn't like the drugs but they were the only thing that made his head calm down. He said he had smoked rock, and heroine (but never injected in) and done cocaine. I think he might of said he stopped using them, but was just drunk all the time. He told us he didn't have his immigration papers, but that wasn't important to him. He told us about his very low paying job, about the hotel he lived in, about how much he paid for his can of tuna that was all his food, and about where he used to live before.

And then he cried out to us about God. He told us he was Catholic, and that maybe he believed there was a God, but was too hurt by it to follow Him. He told us that people have been telling him that Jesus is coming for 20 years, and he wonders where Jesus is. He said the bible talks about the nino's (kids) and how special they are, so he doesn't understand why they are dying. He's hurt by the fact that the Tsunami killed a ton of innocent people, and he wonders where Jesus was during that.

He wonders where Jesus is in the war going on in the middle east, and why people are dying. He wonders why he used to have a bed to sleep on, but now he has no bed. He wonders why he used to have food to eat but now he has no food. He wonders how his mom is, and his brother and sister. He repeats himself over and over, showing more and more hurt each time. He never even touches his hot chocolate.

For most of the conversation I stared straight into his eyes, and even though they were glazed over and drunk, they were so filled with hurt. It wrenched my stomach. He told me he has nothing to live for. He said that it's a good thing that we follow Jesus, but he cannot. He says he cries out to him "WHY WHY WHY!!???" but still he does not know.

It was so incredibly difficult to sit there in front of him, and not be able to comfort his pain. I wanted to say soo much but couldn't because he didn't speak very much english at all. I wanted soo badly to hug this man and explain to him that the love that Jesus has for him that will take away all of that pain, but I couldn't. All I could do was stare into those eyes, and listen to him speak. We even had to leave before he was done talking.

So before we left we asked if we could pray for him and he said yes. He asked us to pray for his mother, and his sister Gloria, and his brother who was also named Juan. I don't remember if he actually asked us to pray for him or not... but maybe. Then in front of us he took off his hat, and knelt before us on the ground. Shelby gave me the look to start praying, and so I did. I placed my hand upon his shoulder and began to speak. I have no idea what I said at all, or if he could understand it, but he began to weep. With my hand on his back I could feel his deep breaths, and his sobs. I have no idea how I didn't begin to ball right there, but I walked away feeling completely torn.

In the debrief I started to cry when I talked about him. Not because I thought he had no hope of coming to know Jesus, but because I felt his pain. I was broken for him, and literally hurting.

I went back to Hannah's hotel that night to stay the night, because I needed to be alone, or with my second family. I was exhausted and thought I would fall asleep right away, but didn't. I began to cry again, more for him, I prayed more for him, and wondered where he was. The image of his eyes is still stuck in my head. I can only hope that we made a difference in his life, but I will never know. My heart hurts when I think of Juan. I know that if my heart hurts, I can only imagine the pain and love that God feels for Juan. I don't think that God will let him leave like that you know.

If you would like, pray for Juan.

You wonder what happened to these people. Normal people, you and me, now down on the streets. If it is that easy to get down there, you'd think maybe it would be that easy to get back up? But it's not. You think maybe they fell because they had no one to keep them from falling? How are they going to rise back up if they continue to have no one. I think every huge positive change in someone's life starts with the person that helped them. Most of these people just need someone to help them. Someone to believe that they can change, and someone to show them the doors to do it. The only thing that every person has in common is that they want to be loved, and they want to give love. So you think if you give someone that one thing they definitely desire, when no one else is, you'll make a difference.

I want to love more people."


Just something for me to think about

ahhh!!!

I miss my home!!!!! I miss my home!!! I miss my home!!!

Not anything to be worried about, I'm pretty sure this is a normal feeling. I think I'm going to go home after SOS and just sleep for a month. Maybe get a new cat or dog to sleep with me. Aww I really want a dog.

SOS is going really well, I just feel like I have no time to rest. (But I do, I slept in until 12 today, I have the entire day off) I wonder if this is what it always feels like working where you live.

I've been contemplating what I'm doing next after this, and thinking about it a lot hasn't helped at all. I still have no idea. I don't want to tell you what I might do, because I could be very wrong. I've been praying about it, and God hasn't really told me yet.

This is what I want to do someday in the future.
I want to write a book.
I want to make a video document.
Therefore at some point I want to buy a video camera...
A computer....
Video editing programs.
I want to travel.
I want life to be spontaneous and eventful.
I want to see God move in insane ways.
I want to be bold and figure out more of who I am in him.
I want adventure.
I want love. (not a husband or boyfriend... just love in my life in general)
I want to practice what I preach.
I want a clean heart.
A dog?
Ambition
and Goals.


I think that's all I have to say right now.

Who'd I meet today.

Today was the block party. The thing I was assigned to was the prayer station, which is kind of funny. I have the feeling that I suck at praying lately; that talking to the lord isn't going very well, and isn't the easiest right now, so I really wasn't looking forward to it.

I haven't been the most content person lately either, the two problems probably go hand in hand.

I walked around a lot, and then finally sucked it up and approached the prayer station when I saw a woman standing alone waiting for someone available. She said she wanted a bible and so I gave one to her, her name was Linda. I asked Linda if she wanted prayer for anything and she said yes. I asked her what, and she told me that she needed a job, and needed someone to pray for her health. This is a common prayer in the TL... maybe one of the most common prayers.

Linda's face was incredibly kind, she was an extremely beautiful woman. Besides slight wearing of her teeth, her face looked like it was in good shape, she didn't look like she was on drugs. I prayed for her, and it was nothing special. No words came from God (or at least in my opinion they didn't) and it wasn't very specific, but when I looked up she was balling. She said thank you in a broken voice and turned to walk away with her head hung low. I stopped her, and hugged her. She clutched onto me tightly, and then she was gone.

I prayed for one or two more people before leaving to roam around again, I don't remember what it was about.

I stopped at the Prayer Station every once in a while, and handed out a bible to a couple people who asked for one. Fifteen minutes before the block party was over, I returned to the station again... pretty much in guilt, knowing that I really hadn't been doing my job at all. I stood there for a minute and then saw a woman motioning for someone to come to her. I looked around and then realized she was motioning to me.

Her name is Gwendolyn, she needs two hip replacements, two knee replacements, and has a hurt foot... she couldn't make it to the station. She shared a poem with me that she wanted to read on stage, but we didn't have time. It was about "what if God went on strike", and it was really good. I got Isabel to pray with me for her, I just felt like I should. (get Isabel, not pray... that ones kind of obvious)

After we prayed for her, she asked me if we did anything for Christmas. She has a 13 year old son who's birthday is in December, and she can't afford to get him presents for both (maybe even just one). It's only June... and she's already thinking about trying to buy her son presents for Christmas.

I love how my heart breaks, and I hate it at the same time. It hurts too bad. (I think that badly is the correct grammar but it still sounds wrong to me) Oh wow it hurts.

Six months ago I messaged Audrey and asked her if they did anything in San Francisco for Christmas, because I wanted to come down and give out presents. I think this was like 3 days before Christmas. I didn't even have money, but at the time I was determined that somehow I was going to do it anyways.... I didn't come down for Christmas, instead I ended up here on DTS.

My heart screamed when she asked me about presents because I wanted the answer to be yes so badly. I think I said something like, "No, but we're working on it", which is a complete lie. Who is we???? But I took her phone number, and her address... and no matter where I am in 6 months, her son is getting more presents than he ever has.

UGHHHH I don't know why this affects me sooo much!!!!


Tonight on hot chocolate I met a guy named DC... about 18 years old. I almost told my girls not to ask him. I'm a jerk, and he looked average dressed to me, and I didn't want him to be offended.

You know what he said.

He said he's out there all the time, and that he always sees us passing out hot chocolate but nobody ever asks him. That he thinks that his tears probably scare people away, and make us not want to talk to him.

I'm an asshole.

My heart has a problem... I have a lot to figure out.

such a pain in the butt.


So discontent.

It's been too long

I should go to bed, but I'm not.


I keep on trying to write a blog, and I get halfway through and then decide not to post it.


DTS has been over for three weeks, and I haven't written anything since before outreach. I'm not even going to try and catch people up on the last three months of my life, because that seems impossible. Too much has happened. Parts of it will probably come up in the future though, but not now.


I went to Chester today for Lydia's graduation, which was strange. If I didn't move in 8th grade, that would've been me up there tonight, graduating with the rest of them.

I think I handle change okay, until I look back and realize that now everything is different.

Being in Redding is hard now. It's at the point where it's barely my home anymore. It's that awkward feeling of a familiar place that you don't quite fit in anymore, being in Chester is even more weird. I don't like going there. Chester sort of represents everything that was never good for me. It represents a hard time in my life, where I made a lot of mistakes, and caused myself a lot of pain. It represents who I used to be, and not who I am now. When I used to go back there it was like I would immediately start walking in my old footsteps, and I hated it. I hate going there.

Tonight was really hard for some reason, and I don't know why. I just had a horrible feeling in my stomach almost the entire time. The past is a strange thing. Talking to people made me really appreciate where God has taken me though. I can't believe I graduated a year ago. I can't believe all that has happened in the last year, and what is happening right now. I am so blessed, and I am so lucky. Life is soo good in San Francisco. I am doing so well, I live in a room with 3 people I pretty much met 2 weeks ago, and I love them. I'm comfortable there, and it's normal, and I'm not sad.


I'm still a little bit bummed with the feeling of not really having a home anymore.

I'm in need of love right now, which is why I'm going to go to bed.



This is something I normally wouldn't end up posting, but since it's been so long I feel like I have to post SOMETHING so I'll get over this random blockage.

Utter Confusion.... How will I leave this city?

I have begun to believe that I do not have the passion for the people of this city that I once had... what a complete and utter lie. Last night I was reminded of exactly the heart God has given me for these people.

Every week I do not want to go out on Wednesday nights for ministry, and every week I come back with a broken heart for someone I met that night. A piece of me is completely in love with them, and totally empathetic towards their situation. Every part of me mourns for them in a way I cannot explain. I've been praying for God's heart more, and a real love for people... I think this is something He is giving me. I think He is giving me His "father" heart.

No matter the age of these people, I want to be their mother. I want to help them grow, I want to show them love, I want to tuck them in at night, I want to show them that I really care. I want to really care.

This week I've become more and more confused about what I'm doing after DTS. I'm saddened by the fact that I didn't meet more people here, and that I didn't spend more time ministering. I wish I spent more time outside of the walls of this base. I wish ministry was completely my lifestyle. I wish I was more bold, fearless, more in tune with God, a better listener... a better follower of Him. Maybe outreach will put me more at this place... but I still wish I was already at this place.

I hate immaturity... Right now I feel completely immature in my relationship with Christ. Inadequate. But that doesn't make sense.

The person that reminded me of all of this last night was Rob.


So the story of Rob.

One night I met a boy named Rob. I didn't talk to him much... maybe not at all, but something about him captured me. He was young, too young to be on the streets, but not according to the government. A couple days later, on the way to In N Out, I sat down next to him on the bus, and introduced myself. He was really nice, but he asked me to tell everyone from YWAM to not talk to him when they see him on the streets. He said that the first time it happened it was really cool, and really emotional, but when he's out there now he's busy, he's working, and he doesn't want to be bothered. I told him that I understood and that I would tell them. After that he didn't stop talking to me though. He talked about how the bus driver sucked so bad and how he was pissed that none of them believed he was 18, which he wasn't, he was 19, but who cares right?

He told me he finally got a place to stay where he didn't have to give the guy sex to live there. FINALLY!!! The first time ever maybe? He said that the men always act sweet, like they're trying to do something nice, but then later try and take advantage of him. He said that it was really emotionally scarring. That it was hard enough that it was his job, he didn't want it to have to be everywhere. He complained about having to be a prostitute. How it's not fair that what should be fun for him is just completely screwed up because he's doing it for money. This 19 year old child sounded like he had no one to love on, and no one loving on him... again my heart broke for him.

Last night I saw him again for the first time since that bus ride. I waved and I smiled, I wanted to respect his wishes even though it slightly killed me. I walked by him, and I said "hi" wanting to say so much more. We walked down the street because it was time to go, and I felt a pull at my heart to give him the five dollars in my pocket. I was incredibly skeptical to give away money, but maybe this was what he needed. I looked up, and there he was, parallel to me on the other side of the street. He looked up, and started walking away back towards the corner. I headed towards him, and ran across the road, I approached him and said, "Hi, I know you asked us not to talk to you, but I wanted to give this to you." I reached into my pocket and pulled out the five. He leaped on me, hugging me and thanking me so much. His body was skinny and frail, he was about my height too, and I'm definitely not tall. He asked me what my name was again, and told me he was really thinking about coming to reach up. I gave him my rock that said "angel" and told to remember that he has a angels watching out for him, and I walked away.

We went back to debrief and Adam said that him and Erin had ran into Rob four times that night, but he really didn't want to talk. Frances had also seen him, and he told her not to talk to him. (I don't know if this was last night, or maybe just another night) I don't know if Rob will actually come to reach up, a lot of people say they will and never do. Maybe next time we see him it'll be different, maybe the five dollars opened up his heart in a new way. I leave in five days, and right now I really wish I could be here for two more months just to build a relationship with him. I wish I had more time.

I'm ruined

I saw a movie tonight... I should've walked out during the previews of, but I didn't.

The movie was intense, that's for sure. The graphics and filming was insane.

The movie was horrible. I am ruined. I realize that I can't even look at these things the same as I used to. I watched something I shouldn't of watched. I mean I am ruined in the sense that I am destroyed to the things I used to be fine with. My filter is changing.

If you like false Gods, murder, sex, rape, pride, and death.... then I guess it was a good movie. The movie was 300.

bleh. I'm actually miserable right now. I feel like I just got hit by a brick.


It's more than the movie, it's being at home and being sad too.


I know that I'm fine..... hmm I just feel a little strange.

this is life

I don't remember what I was going to say again... but I had a good idea of it 20 minutes ago.



March 13, 2007 I gave my life to Jesus Christ. I felt sort of like a lame kid at summer camp, when the words were spilling out of my mouth. How many times have I done this before? I thought my life was already God's, but that thought was easily brushed away. This time was different, this time was more. I wasn't stating that I believed in God like before, or that I'd like to follow Him. I wasn't saying that I'd give my best attempts, or that I really hope to stay on this path. I'm not having a camp high, or a DTS high. I gave away my heart tonight, I gave away myself. My life is the Lord's, and I don't mean that in your typical mediocre way. I am no longer my own, not in the least bit. I have a reason to live, and that reason is Him, and only Him.

Slavery? No, it's freedom. It's the freedom that I've always wanted. Freedom to be who I was created to be. Freedom to love, to enjoy life, freedom to have purpose, and freedom to change the lives of others for good. If you're not a slave to God, you're just a slave to everything that God is not.

I know there might be stuff I'm holding onto, but my commitment was to let go of it. As it comes along I plan to give it up. Hold me accountable. I can't say that this is the life I've always wanted, but it's the life I've always meant to have, and now I want it more than anything.

I love this feeling that I get. The awe, the joy, the true amazement. I love when I can just sit in it and realize, "This is God. This is what life was meant to be." I couldn't ask for anything better.


I don't want to fear anymore, I never want to walk in disbelief. What would happen if you just did as He asks? No questions, no doubt. Wow, how you would truly know Him.

The Goal is Jesus, and that's the only Goal.

Summer

The weather has been amazing here the last couple of days! It makes me so happy. I don't know why, but my mood is actually rather drastically changed by the weather. I really think that my body craves the sun's natural endorphines more than most people. Actually, (this thought popped into my head) I think that my brain produces less endorphines than most peoples, (depression) and then when I have the sun I sort of get balanced out. Therefore when I don't have the sun, I get really sad a lot easier than normal.

Another reason I love the sun is because it reminds me of summer. Summer is carefree, and summer is fun.

This week has been good. Ruthie is speaking, and even though it's only been two days I really like it! I think she's sort of brutally honest, which is nice. I don't think she's the nicest when she speaks either... which is also nice. I'm pretty sure I had more to say, but I guess I'm not in a very deep mood right now.

I broke my back when wrestling with one of my room mates last night, and now it's killing me! (no, I didn't literally break it) It's okay though.... I'm tuff.


pointless pointless... I'll write more later.

Another Tear

I should shower right now.... but I guess it's not that important. I don't smell haggard yet, I just look it.

I fell in love with the German baby Mia, and I've been carrying her around a lot lately. She's adorable.... and I secretly wish that she would start speaking English before German. Yes, the mother in me. You wouldn't guess it, but I'm sort of baby crazy.


A Man Named Ben

So we went out for hot chocolate again Friday, and like always for some reason I really wasn't in the mood to go. We prayed before we went out, and also like always now I'm really glad I went.

We met a man on the corner named Ben. He was waiting until ten to make a phone call on the pay phone. We asked him if he would like hot chocolate and he said yes. He carried one of those four legged canes with him, and he talked a little bit slower. He explained to us that he was 56, and that over 20 years ago he was ran over by a motorcylce... he should've died. He shook badly as he talked to us, and he told us it was the medication he was on for his mental illness. His hot chocolate poured out all over him, but he held onto it anyways. He asked us if we would pray for his sister that died of kidney failure a year ago, that she would be in heaven, and so we did. We prayed for him too.

I put my hand on his shoulder as we began to pray, and his body started to sink. I didn't know if it was the weight that he couldn't hold, or if his balance was off because his eyes were closed, so I lightened my hand up a lot. I couldn't let go of him though. Beneath me was a beautiful, broken man, who had experienced way more tragedies in his life than I can ever imagine; and I wanted him to know that I really care. Feeling his shoulder sink beneath my hand, caused my heart to break. As an 18 year old girl I wanted to pick this man up off the street and hold him. I wanted to speak life into him as a mother would, and I wanted to rescue him from all of this pain, but I couldn't.

After that we continued to talk to him. He told us that his mother was dying of Parkinson’s, and that his father had already died of kidney failure a while ago. He told us how he could no longer ride the bus because he could never get a seat, and that he would fall down without one. He also told us how his mother had told him that she had named him Ben, and not Benjamin because she knew he'd never be able to spell it. Talk about growing up under a curse.

Since his accident his esophagus doesn't work right, and he often chokes on food. His bladder doesn't work right either, so he has to wear diapers.... kids like me are awful to him because of the fact that he smells sometimes. He lives off of three dollars a day, and yet this man did not seem bitter. He told us how he grew up on a farm, and had dreams to be an actor. He talked about his love of disney movies like Snow White, and that his favorite of the seven dwarves is Dopey, A.K.A. "the one who keeps kissing her on the cheek". He said that people say that he reminds them of Happy, but since his accident he thinks he reminds them more of Grumpy. He talked a lot about "before his accident" even though it was over 20 years ago.

I can only imagine what it would be like to have a working body that all of a sudden gets taken away from you. He said nothing happened to the man who ran over him, but instead of being bitter he seemed purely sad. I wonder if his brain was damaged in the accident too, how scary it would be to go from a wonderfully working mind, to speaking so slow that people will hardly have the patience to listen to you.

I'm grieved because I don't know the hope for this man. What do I pray for? Full recovery? Joy? Breaking of family curses? Where do I start? What is the absolute full picture that God would love to bring to his life? What does God want to do for him, and where does it start? Before sin
entered his life, who was he made to be?

I know that something about this man's simpleness, honesty, and brokeness was beautiful. This man was beautiful... and I really have the feeling he'll be okay.

Pray for him.

Plumbline (Day #2)

Some Mission Adventure people just told Frances to close the door, and it made me a little bit mad. They're ridiculous. The guy and the girl flirting in front of me are ridiculous too.


Ok besides that, I'm totally not bitter.

Today is/was day number two of the week of plumbline... so far, so good. God's here. Last night while praying I felt Him so heavily it was insane. This morning while praying during worship I felt it again. I feel like I just stepped into a new area of life, just through that prayer.

I think plumbline is different for me than it is for the rest of them. I walked through healing of soooo much pain last year, and I am so free from it now. I realize that if I were to go through this week about a year ago, I would be in complete discomfort right now, but I'm not. Knowing what comes from the end of this week makes me so excited for them all.

This is the process in my words.

First the man talks, and God begins to stir up everything inside of you, slowly the stitches on your non-healed wound begin to open. Then for some reason, at some point, with one swift pull all of the stitches will be yanked out of your body, and this massive infected wound will be left gaping open. You'll feel like you're in soooo much pain, you'll feel naked, and vulnerable, shamed and confused.... you'll feel weak, and you'll be angry. This goes on for as long as you're willing to let it... and then at some point, hopefully you let it free, and give it up to God. It's not a fun process as all your pain and sorrow oozes up and out of your body, but it may be the best process. God becomes your doctor, and He cleans out your wound. He doesn't need stitches, because when He's done the wound no longer exists anymore, you are free. Never the less a part of you is gone, but it's a part of you that you were never meant to have. Dealing with it is weird at first, but it doesn't take away from the incredible sense of freedom you will feel afterwards. This is when you begin to discover who you are. This is when you begin to understand yourself, and in return you begin to understand other people.... This is life... This is GOD.

I say it because I experienced it. I don't think that in this week I will walk through much pain at all, but that just proves that what God did in me was so incredibley real. This week I will be walking through my undealt with shame. What will that be like? Can I get anymore free? Obviously I can.... which is another amazing thing in itself. How ridiculous is it to be excited to be able to walk through shame? Very... but I am.

Oh what amazing things God can reveal to you, if only you will let him.

Joey's Laundromat

I'm at the laundromat sitting on the computer. I actually really like it here... but there is a strange guy sitting at the table behind me muttering things outloud... he's alone, and he's definitely not on the phone or anything like that. awww San Francisco.


On Saturday we did a bunch of outreach prep performances at this chinese school that's located in a church. It was actually really fun. I think it went a lot better than most of us expected. We did some skits, some people sang some songs, and we all shared our "mini testimonies". On Saturday we had four, 45 minute performance. Two of the performances were in front of 1st graders - 4th graders and the other two were in front of 5th graders to college age.

The little kids were soooo freaking cute!!! The first session there was this little boy named Bryce who sat down right behind me. Immediately he introduced himself and started talking to me. He said he was in kindergarden, but his mom had gotten him in so that he could be with the first graders.

After I did a skit and came back to sit down he told me "I liked your story, I liked your story, I liked your story!" Then he reached out with his tiny, little hand, and petted my arm! He grinned at me like he was testing to see what I'd do, and about 10 minutes later he did it again. He was sooo sweet, and sooo cute!! Then we had them do the game where you have kids wrap eachother up in toilet paper to see who can make the best mummy. He was too scared to go up on stage and play, but after it started he kept giggling and laughing so hard, exclaiming over and over to me "I love the mummy game!!! I love the mummy game!!!" AHHH he was so freaking cute!!

I got to share my testimony with the older crowd, which was really good. I think it went well, but honestly anytime I share my testimony or speak in front of any crowd I barely remember anything I said afterwards.

Since yesterday I've been in a much better mood! I feel like a slight weight has been lifted or something. I'm really excited for outreach and all the ministry stuff we'll be doing. It's going to be good. I'm going to be optomistic this week, I'm sick of complaining.

7 weeks

It is Thursday in our 7th week. Dang time goes by so fast. It's almost scary. At this point I'm sort of disappointed. The last 7 weeks have been really good but I feel like I can barely remember them. Even though sooooo much has happened, at the same time it seems like barely anything has happened.

I'm glad I have this much time to spend with God; He continues to show up in amazing ways. These last two weeks have been kind of hard though. I'm really irritable, and I think other people are too. Next week is the week called "Plumbline"... which in my own definition is where everything that's burried deep inside of you is ripped up to the surface, and then you begin the very hard, but liberating process of healing from it.

I'm actually kind of excited for this. I love healing... I know there's a lot going on inside of me right now, but I don't actually know what it is. (I know that it's part of the reason why I'm so irritable) I feel like I've already dealt with so many of my past issues, so whatever God brings up might be a really big suprise. Scary, but good.

On another note, it's kind of bugging me a lot lately that we've been here for 7 weeks, but we still really aren't that close. I get along with Sarah so well, and I really really appreciate her, but she's the only one I feel like I can completely share with. Everyone else I like, but it's still surfacey and strange. It's all strange. I miss my home a lot right now. I miss my close relationships. I miss having mature people I can count on all the time. I miss love... I'm getting so sick of the words "I love you" here. Half these people I really don't feel like I even know. And yes, I love them, but I don't love them in the sense that if tomorrow was the end of DTS, I'd miss them horribley. It feels cheap, and it feels like it's more of an obligation to say it, and it shouldn't be.

Maybe it's just my bad mood. I hate not connecting with anyone. I hate not relating with anyone. It's weird with our leaders. I've been to summer camps that were only two weeks long and felt like I connected in a way deeper way than here. What's it going to take? When are we actually going to become close? Are we even going to? This place is lonely.

I want a break. I want to leave. I want to hang out with someone..... I want to hang out.

To Boast

I'm pretty sure God says to boast about Him, but at the same time He wants you to keep the things He says to you sacred.

Never boast about how amazing you are, always about how amazing God is. Never try and make other people jealous because of what God is doing in you, continue to always give Him the glory. Be humble and not proud. Say what you need to, to the people who need to hear it, and not to the people who don't.

With that said... GOD IS AMAZING!!!! Last night we prayed that God would continue to spark hope and passion for Him in us, because lately I've felt a little drab... today He did just that!

Worship was so good, I can't even explain. So many prophetic words were flying around that room it was incredible. We asked God why there isn't more crazy stuff happening every day, because it can. Before worship I prayed that his holy spirit would be there... I think I was expecting a huge wind or a big tingling feeling... none of that really came, but what He did was amazing.

AH LOVE! I am so in love! I am so excited!!! This was way more than a spark!!! Ya GOD!!

The Most Amazing Theories

When talking to the people on the streets you'll hear some of the craziest theories you ever could of dreamed of. Part of it is really sad, because they are so far off, but I can't help but be entertained.

I met this hippy rocker guy, and I don't really remember his name but I think it was Michael. He told me that he was on his way to some government protest. I don't know what he was protesting against but the government was somehow corrupting his theory. His theory was that the world keeps on making mistakes, and they keep on learning from their mistakes. Some day the world is going to make so many mistakes and they're going to of learn from them all. When that happen's they won't be able to make any more mistakes, and the world will be a perfect place. Then God will come down and pick up the whole perfect world and put it into heaven.

One night we ran into this really tall guy named Marty. He ALWAYS walks around with blankets around his neck. He told us he was a great great theologist and had been walking around telling people about his writings. His writings were a theory he had been working on for 30 years, and no one else had figured this out yet. He explained that he had 2 copies of his writings and he was going to sell each copy for 2 dollars. Then he would have 4 dollars to go to Kinko's and get more copies, then he would be able to get it published.

Marty had figured out the difference between humans and angels. The difference was that Angel's didn't eat, they only drank. He advised us that as we get older we need to stop eating, cuz we can't do anything gross like "shit". Angel's never do anything gross. This was all in his writing's and I told him that if I ever have 2 dollars with me, I will definitely buy a copy. (and I DEFINITELY WILL) I've seen him quite a few time since then, and the funny thing is he almost always seems to have food with him :)

Last night on street team we handed out soup. We gave soup to this man named Tony and sat down next to him to talk. He asked what I wanted to talk about, and I asked what he would like to talk about... from then on out he told us about the bird world. He explained about the birds that are 4 stories tall and that they could come down at any time. He knows all about them because he's psychic, but he also knows nothing about the "bird world". He's afraid of them. He also told us about the monsters that live in the Bird World. They are just like humans but they are also about 2 stories tall. He said he didn't know what he would to if the Bird's came and got them and took him to their world. He explained that the monsters have an advantage because they're big enough to ride the birds unlike us. He asked each one of us what we would do if we were taken to the bird world... I told him I would probably pray alot. He explained that he needed to learn how to use flint so that he would be able to make fire there. He told us that it wasn't like earth, and that you couldn't just walk into store and buy stuff. He also explained that he needed to buy a knife too. Hah He was seriously sooo fun to talk to! I asked him if he believed in God and he said yes, he assumes that God's out there too. I asked him if he wanted us to pray for protection from the birds twice, but he just kept talking about the bird world. I asked Tony what he would do if he was abducted by the birds and he told me he didn't think he could do anything because he'd probably be in too much pain from their claws holding onto his shoulders carrying him away.

Anyways, even though it's really sad, I love these peoples theories!!! Keep on praying for the people of the street! If they can have this much faith in totally bizzarr things, imagine the faith they could have in God.

Flashing Red Lights

There have been way more sirens today than usual. It seems like we hear them around 10 times a day, but I think today it's been closer to 15 or 20. Right now actually there's an ambulance sitting right outside our building, and earlier today there was a fire just down the street.... wow and there goes another siren. It's kind of stressful living in this place, but still so amazing.

I'm really loving DTS, and the people I've met here so far. Sarah is my closest friend here, and probably one of the coolest people I've met. I'm envious of her love and passion for the Lord. God is going to use her in amazing ways, and it's so cool to have her here.

Yesterday on my way to Walgreens I saw this homeless lady that's always so extremely nice. I stopped and asked her if she would like anything from Walgreens, and I sort of assumed she'd ask for food... haha, she asked for red lipstick instead. Then she had me sit down and talk to her. She asked me if I was a booster, and I said no. Then she went on to tell me that her and her daughter steal stuff all the time to make money. She has five kids and looks about 60 years old. Unlike most people on these streets she doesn't look older than her age, she's beautiful. She's been in San Francisco for about 2 and a half months, and she came here from Eureka.

The story that she told me was graphic and suprising. She asked me why I wanted to get her something, and I told her it was because she was always so nice... she said it was by the grace of God. As I talked to her she explained that a couple weeks ago she was really coked out and drunk, and she went over to this guy's house that she didn't really know. He was in a wheel chair. He gave her a pill and she took it, and then she took a bath as he went to go get more coke. When he got back she was still awake, hanging out, and so he gave her another pill... she passed out, and he raped her. Instead of using the word rape though, she used the "F" word... she actually used the "F" word probably more than 25 times in our 8 minute conversation. She explained that he took all her money (235 dollars) her ID, and her purse; when she woke up he was gone. Who knows if this guy is actually handicapped in the first place. He may be worse off so that he can get more money from the government. He's obviously able to walk some if he lives alone, and if he can rape someone.

She then told me she went to the manager and they called the police. When the guy came back she yelled at him. She told him to give her the money back, and he denied it all. Of course since she was coked out she couldn't prove it. She then argued with him that he should atleast give her 20 dollars for "F"ing her. Some other "white guy" gave her 20 bucks, but this guy still refused... finally he gave in and gave her the 20 dollars in return for the sex he stole from her.

Is 20 dollars the price you pay for rape these days? Wow... talk about a screw driver to the stomach. The other day this same lady was on the street and she had a tube hanging from her nose. I knew that it was a tube you get from the hospital when your nose doesn't stop bleeding... I knew it because my grandma got one of those once too. She had reminded me of my grandma. She's nicely dressed compared to the rest of these people, well groomed to. Her face isn't torn apart from years of drug use, soI wonder how on earth she got this way. At 60 years old, what turned this woman to the streets of San Francisco? Where are her 5 kids to come and rescue her? In the back of her head she believes in God, where did it all go wrong? How on earth can I save this woman? She talked about this whole event like it didn't pain her at all... it just pissed her off. How did this woman's heart get so hard?

I believe she introduced herself as Sister Shirley (but I'm not quite sure that it was Shirley). Please please pray for her.