Random Thoughts

I hear sirens at least ten times a day, and I still always wonder where they're going.


I don't like to see people hurting, because it literally breaks my heart.


I get frustrated when someones crying and I don't have the right words to say.


I'm blunt because I think that honesty's the best way.


Jesus is the answer, for any problem.


I'm strong but weak all at the same time.


I don't want to know everything... I just want to have all of the solutions.


I hate to feel awkward but I don't mind embarrassment...


I think a lot of things are funny that other people don't.


I never want to make people feel like crap, even though I do. I want to love without holding back, without being afraid of getting hurt. I want to make people feel special and cared about, I want to love all people... even though I don't. It's possible... Jesus did it...


I want life to have more joy, and that's where God's freedom comes in. That's what I'm working towards.


Life is good... even when it sucks.


(I'm actually going to post this one)

to live

For some reason I constantly think of sayings or things I think would be cool on a t-shirt. I think I just want to make a statement to strangers. But then I think back on things I wanted to say on a t-shirt 3 months ago, and think "how dumb".

today I thought about this one. "LIVE with nothing hidden."

Having something hidden always affects my relationship with God... To fully live I think I would have to have nothing hidden. I think this is something I want to work on.... more thoughts later.

I was reading random old things out of "my documents" tonight, and came across my blogs from MA last summer. I only hope that these kids get as much out of it as I did, hopefully more. Here's a blog about the man that impacted me the most on MA


"It's funny that Juan sticks out to me the most, because he barely spoke any english, but we talked to him for over 30 minutes. Different than most of the other people we talked to, he wasn't high, or damaged from drug use, he was rather intelligent seeming. Most of the time he was the one doing the talking. I don't speak spanish either, none of us did. Sometimes he would strain really hard to think of the words in english, but when he couldn't he would just keep speaking in spanish. And he told us so much.

He told us that he hasn't seen or talked to his mother in over 20 years, and that he has no idea if she's alive or dead. He told us he was an alcoholic and that he didn't like the drugs but they were the only thing that made his head calm down. He said he had smoked rock, and heroine (but never injected in) and done cocaine. I think he might of said he stopped using them, but was just drunk all the time. He told us he didn't have his immigration papers, but that wasn't important to him. He told us about his very low paying job, about the hotel he lived in, about how much he paid for his can of tuna that was all his food, and about where he used to live before.

And then he cried out to us about God. He told us he was Catholic, and that maybe he believed there was a God, but was too hurt by it to follow Him. He told us that people have been telling him that Jesus is coming for 20 years, and he wonders where Jesus is. He said the bible talks about the nino's (kids) and how special they are, so he doesn't understand why they are dying. He's hurt by the fact that the Tsunami killed a ton of innocent people, and he wonders where Jesus was during that.

He wonders where Jesus is in the war going on in the middle east, and why people are dying. He wonders why he used to have a bed to sleep on, but now he has no bed. He wonders why he used to have food to eat but now he has no food. He wonders how his mom is, and his brother and sister. He repeats himself over and over, showing more and more hurt each time. He never even touches his hot chocolate.

For most of the conversation I stared straight into his eyes, and even though they were glazed over and drunk, they were so filled with hurt. It wrenched my stomach. He told me he has nothing to live for. He said that it's a good thing that we follow Jesus, but he cannot. He says he cries out to him "WHY WHY WHY!!???" but still he does not know.

It was so incredibly difficult to sit there in front of him, and not be able to comfort his pain. I wanted to say soo much but couldn't because he didn't speak very much english at all. I wanted soo badly to hug this man and explain to him that the love that Jesus has for him that will take away all of that pain, but I couldn't. All I could do was stare into those eyes, and listen to him speak. We even had to leave before he was done talking.

So before we left we asked if we could pray for him and he said yes. He asked us to pray for his mother, and his sister Gloria, and his brother who was also named Juan. I don't remember if he actually asked us to pray for him or not... but maybe. Then in front of us he took off his hat, and knelt before us on the ground. Shelby gave me the look to start praying, and so I did. I placed my hand upon his shoulder and began to speak. I have no idea what I said at all, or if he could understand it, but he began to weep. With my hand on his back I could feel his deep breaths, and his sobs. I have no idea how I didn't begin to ball right there, but I walked away feeling completely torn.

In the debrief I started to cry when I talked about him. Not because I thought he had no hope of coming to know Jesus, but because I felt his pain. I was broken for him, and literally hurting.

I went back to Hannah's hotel that night to stay the night, because I needed to be alone, or with my second family. I was exhausted and thought I would fall asleep right away, but didn't. I began to cry again, more for him, I prayed more for him, and wondered where he was. The image of his eyes is still stuck in my head. I can only hope that we made a difference in his life, but I will never know. My heart hurts when I think of Juan. I know that if my heart hurts, I can only imagine the pain and love that God feels for Juan. I don't think that God will let him leave like that you know.

If you would like, pray for Juan.

You wonder what happened to these people. Normal people, you and me, now down on the streets. If it is that easy to get down there, you'd think maybe it would be that easy to get back up? But it's not. You think maybe they fell because they had no one to keep them from falling? How are they going to rise back up if they continue to have no one. I think every huge positive change in someone's life starts with the person that helped them. Most of these people just need someone to help them. Someone to believe that they can change, and someone to show them the doors to do it. The only thing that every person has in common is that they want to be loved, and they want to give love. So you think if you give someone that one thing they definitely desire, when no one else is, you'll make a difference.

I want to love more people."


Just something for me to think about

ahhh!!!

I miss my home!!!!! I miss my home!!! I miss my home!!!

Not anything to be worried about, I'm pretty sure this is a normal feeling. I think I'm going to go home after SOS and just sleep for a month. Maybe get a new cat or dog to sleep with me. Aww I really want a dog.

SOS is going really well, I just feel like I have no time to rest. (But I do, I slept in until 12 today, I have the entire day off) I wonder if this is what it always feels like working where you live.

I've been contemplating what I'm doing next after this, and thinking about it a lot hasn't helped at all. I still have no idea. I don't want to tell you what I might do, because I could be very wrong. I've been praying about it, and God hasn't really told me yet.

This is what I want to do someday in the future.
I want to write a book.
I want to make a video document.
Therefore at some point I want to buy a video camera...
A computer....
Video editing programs.
I want to travel.
I want life to be spontaneous and eventful.
I want to see God move in insane ways.
I want to be bold and figure out more of who I am in him.
I want adventure.
I want love. (not a husband or boyfriend... just love in my life in general)
I want to practice what I preach.
I want a clean heart.
A dog?
Ambition
and Goals.


I think that's all I have to say right now.