I went through and published old posts... the ones without the dates on them are early 2008 and go in order to late 2010 and then I start going backwards back to 2007 and all around but those have dates...
Hopefully soon I'll put my reflections on these posts, but maybe not.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Limbo... I'm in a limbo
lim·bo1 
[lim-boh] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun, plural -bos.
Personally I think I like all definitions of this word right now, but the one that I intended to find when searching the word (to make sure it was the right word) was definition number THREE.
Yesterday and today I had a ton of off time... during which I got extremely bored. (This damn computer types too slow and it's making me confused!!!) I'll have 4 hours of off time and spend two of them waiting around for my next shift to start. I know I'm working soon, so I feel like I don't have time to do anything, therefore I do nothing. (a limbo... midway state or place)
I feel like I'm sort of here with life too. In this strange midway point, just waiting around for what's next. But what is next?! Obviously it's not really a limbo, obviously this is where God wants me, and this is where I am supposed to be but.... I don't really know!
As Isabel has been telling me lately "You're not content"
haha and normally I am pretty content, but I guess lately I really haven't been. Not content does not mean not happy though, I think it just means not appreciative haha.
6/26/07
[lim-boh] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun, plural -bos. | 1. | (often initial capital letter) Roman Catholic Theology. a region on the border of hell or heaven, serving as the abode after death of unbaptized infants (limbo of infants) and of the righteous who died before the coming of Christ (limbo of the fathers or limbo of the patriarchs). |
| 2. | a place or state of oblivion to which persons or things are regarded as being relegated when cast aside, forgotten, past, or out of date: My youthful hopes are in the limbo of lost dreams. |
| 3. | an intermediate, transitional, or midway state or place. |
| 4. | a place or state of imprisonment or confinement. |
Personally I think I like all definitions of this word right now, but the one that I intended to find when searching the word (to make sure it was the right word) was definition number THREE.
Yesterday and today I had a ton of off time... during which I got extremely bored. (This damn computer types too slow and it's making me confused!!!) I'll have 4 hours of off time and spend two of them waiting around for my next shift to start. I know I'm working soon, so I feel like I don't have time to do anything, therefore I do nothing. (a limbo... midway state or place)
I feel like I'm sort of here with life too. In this strange midway point, just waiting around for what's next. But what is next?! Obviously it's not really a limbo, obviously this is where God wants me, and this is where I am supposed to be but.... I don't really know!
As Isabel has been telling me lately "You're not content"
haha and normally I am pretty content, but I guess lately I really haven't been. Not content does not mean not happy though, I think it just means not appreciative haha.
6/26/07
At Joey's Again
I'm at the laundromat again.. this might be like my third blog from here.
The system went down just after all of my clothes got done washing, so now they're sitting in the dryer wet, until the system turns back on. I'm kind of glad though, at least I have the internet.
I wish I had my camera with me on SOS I don't know why I didn't bring it. Dumb choice.
It's funny how people strive to be independent, make their own decisions, have their own life, but right now all I want is for someone smart to tell me what I'm supposed to do with mine.
I don't want to think about it, it just makes me want to vomit.
I pray the Lord let's me win the lottery. But I guess in order for that to happen, I'd probably have to buy a ticket first.
No it's not money I want, I don't want to be rich, but I guess if I had all of the money in the world my options would be endless... I would never have to choose a job or a career. (not trusting The Lord) With God I guess my options are endless too. In the sense that I could do anything imaginable if He told me to do it. What is He telling me to do?
"Pray about it"
That's the reply I get, and it sucks haha.
It sucks when I'm afraid to pray about something because I don't want the answer to be no, or because I'm afraid of what the answer is... I just always assume that I'm hearing Him wrong or assume that the answer is no. I have no clear thoughts, all I hear is myself.
I guess I'm just waiting for the obvious, and I'm not getting the obvious. I actually am not sure that God wants to give me the answer yet, I'm not sure that he wants my focus to be else where.
I started to write a blog the other day about the fact that I feel like I'm in a limbo but I never posted it. By "limbo" I mean a halfway point. Like I'm wasting time until I get to point A from point B. I guess if I knew what point B was, then I'd really really feel like I'm wasting time. I'm sure that I'm at where I am for a reason, and that sense (since??) I am here this is where my heart should be, this is where my focus should be.
7/1/07
The system went down just after all of my clothes got done washing, so now they're sitting in the dryer wet, until the system turns back on. I'm kind of glad though, at least I have the internet.
I wish I had my camera with me on SOS I don't know why I didn't bring it. Dumb choice.
It's funny how people strive to be independent, make their own decisions, have their own life, but right now all I want is for someone smart to tell me what I'm supposed to do with mine.
I don't want to think about it, it just makes me want to vomit.
I pray the Lord let's me win the lottery. But I guess in order for that to happen, I'd probably have to buy a ticket first.
No it's not money I want, I don't want to be rich, but I guess if I had all of the money in the world my options would be endless... I would never have to choose a job or a career. (not trusting The Lord) With God I guess my options are endless too. In the sense that I could do anything imaginable if He told me to do it. What is He telling me to do?
"Pray about it"
That's the reply I get, and it sucks haha.
It sucks when I'm afraid to pray about something because I don't want the answer to be no, or because I'm afraid of what the answer is... I just always assume that I'm hearing Him wrong or assume that the answer is no. I have no clear thoughts, all I hear is myself.
I guess I'm just waiting for the obvious, and I'm not getting the obvious. I actually am not sure that God wants to give me the answer yet, I'm not sure that he wants my focus to be else where.
I started to write a blog the other day about the fact that I feel like I'm in a limbo but I never posted it. By "limbo" I mean a halfway point. Like I'm wasting time until I get to point A from point B. I guess if I knew what point B was, then I'd really really feel like I'm wasting time. I'm sure that I'm at where I am for a reason, and that sense (since??) I am here this is where my heart should be, this is where my focus should be.
7/1/07
what is life supposed to be?
I hate not laughing. I hate going through weeks at a time with nothing really funny going on. How do I change that?
I used to laugh a lot, and I used to joke a lot. It's strange. When I lost my pain and all the stuff from my past, I literally lost a part of me, but it feels like I also lost the part of me that covers up the pain, the part that jokes around. The ability to not deal with anything and instead just make it funny. Which is a good thing of course... but why can't life be funnier.
I look at people walking around that seem fine, but they just don't seem alive. They just don't seem like they're having fun. And maybe they're content and maybe nothings wrong... but shouldn't it be better than that?
For some reason I have a quote in my head from someone saying that we were never meant to be happy. But we are right? God wants us to be happy doesn't He?
On outreach on one of the ministry nights in the Piazza I felt like God wanted me to be happy, like he was telling me to have joy. I was in a group with Ronda and Audre, we walked around a lot and then Ronda turned to me and said "You felt like God wanted you to be happy tonight, okay, what makes you happy?"
Good question
Oh wow... I just remembered my initial thought to that question and it wasn't a good one.
7/21/07
Getting high and having a glass of wine was my first thought.
I used to laugh a lot, and I used to joke a lot. It's strange. When I lost my pain and all the stuff from my past, I literally lost a part of me, but it feels like I also lost the part of me that covers up the pain, the part that jokes around. The ability to not deal with anything and instead just make it funny. Which is a good thing of course... but why can't life be funnier.
I look at people walking around that seem fine, but they just don't seem alive. They just don't seem like they're having fun. And maybe they're content and maybe nothings wrong... but shouldn't it be better than that?
For some reason I have a quote in my head from someone saying that we were never meant to be happy. But we are right? God wants us to be happy doesn't He?
On outreach on one of the ministry nights in the Piazza I felt like God wanted me to be happy, like he was telling me to have joy. I was in a group with Ronda and Audre, we walked around a lot and then Ronda turned to me and said "You felt like God wanted you to be happy tonight, okay, what makes you happy?"
Good question
Oh wow... I just remembered my initial thought to that question and it wasn't a good one.
7/21/07
Getting high and having a glass of wine was my first thought.
I'm back in Redding and SOS has been over for about 2 weeks now. I miss everyone so much!!!! I miss the city too, but it's good to FINALLY be home.
This weekend I went up and visited Lydia in Reno, and that was fun. Then I came home and dogsat Sam Saturday night, and today. I always get a little bit creeped out when I stay out there alone. It's probably the safest place you could be too, not much happens in Palo Cedro. (that's the name of the town I actually live in, it's about 5 minutes away from Redding)
Last night after I hid all the knives and locked all the doors, I was laying in bed next to my cell phone, the house phone, and my car keys, when all of a sudden the bedroom door flew open. The dog was laying right next to me so I knew it wasn't him. I looked at him hoping he'd spring into action and start barking, but he looked about as scared as I was. About 1 million thoughts flew threw my head in about 2.5 seconds and I was sure I was going to die... but then I realized that the swamp cooler had turned on and it was just the air flow. Needless to say I dreamed that people were chasing after me trying to kill me.
Tonight I went to the movies with my mamma. We went and saw The Nanny Diaries. Not very many people go to a 10 o'clock movie on a Sunday night in Redding... my mom and I were the only ones in the theater. Some how we still managed to pick a broken seat and had to move. It was a good movie, I really liked it. I had fun with my mom, she almost fell asleep a couple times haha, but I don't think she ever actually did.We got to talk loud, and I got to run when I had to pee, so I didn't miss very much of the movie. We danced down the isles and out the door to the song playing during the ending credits. It was a good night.
I sort of want to be a nanny now, but earlier after watching about 5 episodes of Miami Ink I sort of wanted to be a tattoo artist.
8/27/07
This weekend I went up and visited Lydia in Reno, and that was fun. Then I came home and dogsat Sam Saturday night, and today. I always get a little bit creeped out when I stay out there alone. It's probably the safest place you could be too, not much happens in Palo Cedro. (that's the name of the town I actually live in, it's about 5 minutes away from Redding)
Last night after I hid all the knives and locked all the doors, I was laying in bed next to my cell phone, the house phone, and my car keys, when all of a sudden the bedroom door flew open. The dog was laying right next to me so I knew it wasn't him. I looked at him hoping he'd spring into action and start barking, but he looked about as scared as I was. About 1 million thoughts flew threw my head in about 2.5 seconds and I was sure I was going to die... but then I realized that the swamp cooler had turned on and it was just the air flow. Needless to say I dreamed that people were chasing after me trying to kill me.
Tonight I went to the movies with my mamma. We went and saw The Nanny Diaries. Not very many people go to a 10 o'clock movie on a Sunday night in Redding... my mom and I were the only ones in the theater. Some how we still managed to pick a broken seat and had to move. It was a good movie, I really liked it. I had fun with my mom, she almost fell asleep a couple times haha, but I don't think she ever actually did.We got to talk loud, and I got to run when I had to pee, so I didn't miss very much of the movie. We danced down the isles and out the door to the song playing during the ending credits. It was a good night.
I sort of want to be a nanny now, but earlier after watching about 5 episodes of Miami Ink I sort of wanted to be a tattoo artist.
8/27/07
I'm Watching Infommercials
I leave in less than 9 hours for San Francisco!! I should be sleeping, or packing, or doing something productive, but now it's a little bit later.
I realized something today, and I think that it was a good lesson. I didn't have the best day, it was actually pretty hard. I realized that "love" isn't the answer to every problem. I'm amazed by what love changes and how love does answer so many problems, and how it affects people. I'm amazed on how much the world would change if people simply just started loving each other... but that's not all it takes.
Sometimes you can love someone and they really won't love you back. (I'm not talking about boys... boys are far from my mind) Sometimes they will but they'll still hurt you. So what do you do when you love someone and they just continue to hurt you
9/25/07
I realized something today, and I think that it was a good lesson. I didn't have the best day, it was actually pretty hard. I realized that "love" isn't the answer to every problem. I'm amazed by what love changes and how love does answer so many problems, and how it affects people. I'm amazed on how much the world would change if people simply just started loving each other... but that's not all it takes.
Sometimes you can love someone and they really won't love you back. (I'm not talking about boys... boys are far from my mind) Sometimes they will but they'll still hurt you. So what do you do when you love someone and they just continue to hurt you
9/25/07
Don't leave your laptop on the table...
...it will get stolen.
I'm at Joey's Laundromat again, quite possibly my favorite blogging spot.
That means that yes, I made it back to San Francisco, and before October like I had hoped also. (thank you so much to everyone who is supporting me) I've been here for about a week and a half now, and so it's time to wash some clothes.
It definitely doesn't seem like I've only been here for a little over a week though, it seems like I just didn't leave. The time I spent at my house seems forgotten now. 6 weeks past has disappeared. But really it hasn't. I didn't do much during those six weeks except for hang out with a few friends and my family. I spent most of my time at home; recovering, sleeping, which I needed. I love my family. The more I'm around them, the more I realize how blessed I am to have them.
I'm glad to be back in the city. It's been sort of hard the past few days, but in an okay way. I'm thankful because I haven't been lonely. People have been really cool and have been hanging out with me a lot, and then I savor my alone time. I like being able to do nothing but sit in my room for a couple hours and be comfortable before I go to sleep. Spiritually it's been kind of intense, and so emotionally it has been too. Realizing that there's a spiritually battle going on even inside of me, I don't really know why or what this means. I had an incredible And a battle, it is.
10/07/07
I'm at Joey's Laundromat again, quite possibly my favorite blogging spot.
That means that yes, I made it back to San Francisco, and before October like I had hoped also. (thank you so much to everyone who is supporting me) I've been here for about a week and a half now, and so it's time to wash some clothes.
It definitely doesn't seem like I've only been here for a little over a week though, it seems like I just didn't leave. The time I spent at my house seems forgotten now. 6 weeks past has disappeared. But really it hasn't. I didn't do much during those six weeks except for hang out with a few friends and my family. I spent most of my time at home; recovering, sleeping, which I needed. I love my family. The more I'm around them, the more I realize how blessed I am to have them.
I'm glad to be back in the city. It's been sort of hard the past few days, but in an okay way. I'm thankful because I haven't been lonely. People have been really cool and have been hanging out with me a lot, and then I savor my alone time. I like being able to do nothing but sit in my room for a couple hours and be comfortable before I go to sleep. Spiritually it's been kind of intense, and so emotionally it has been too. Realizing that there's a spiritually battle going on even inside of me, I don't really know why or what this means. I had an incredible And a battle, it is.
10/07/07
I'm not tired right now, I think it's because I didn't do very much today, and I slept in late.
I think I need to start off by saying that I'm back in San Francisco, and have been for about 3 weeks now. It's going really well. Due to lack of consistent blogging, I think that's all I'm going to say about the past three weeks, because there would be too much to write if I tried to explain everything that's happened.
I'm in a strange mood. Normally I have so many things to say when I sit down to blog that I get lost in thought and can't finish, (I have about 10 or more not posted incomplete blogs) but right now I can't think of anything.
I had some good thoughts earlier though, I wonder what they were.
10/15/07
I think I need to start off by saying that I'm back in San Francisco, and have been for about 3 weeks now. It's going really well. Due to lack of consistent blogging, I think that's all I'm going to say about the past three weeks, because there would be too much to write if I tried to explain everything that's happened.
I'm in a strange mood. Normally I have so many things to say when I sit down to blog that I get lost in thought and can't finish, (I have about 10 or more not posted incomplete blogs) but right now I can't think of anything.
I had some good thoughts earlier though, I wonder what they were.
10/15/07
Smith
I feel weird writing a blog about a person (not a real blog I'm not gonna publish this) but I guess this is something that I should remember.
I know that God places all people in our lives that are there for a reason, but I think there are some people He places in our lives for a more specific reason. I've always felt like Audrey is one of these people, even though I have no idea what the reason she's in my life is. I felt like this since I did MA which is weird. I knew she'd be in my life again. At that point I had absolutely no plans on ever doing a DTS or anything else with YWAM. Even though she suggested I do a DTS she's definitely not the one who persuaded me, but never the less, I ended up here, with her.
It's been interesting getting to know her. Hard actually. We don't really click, and I don't understand why. Seriously the best word to describe it is just "hard". I don't know if she feels the same way. I know I love her, I care about her, probably more than I care about a lot of people actually, but still there's something that stops me from being comfortable around her.
Fear of rejection I think. I don't know why it's so strong when I'm around her. There's this constant battle to show her that I love her, but guard my heart as well, and it doesn't work. I don't know how to get past it. I feel like she rejects me a lot, like I just can't get through.
Before I came back on staff I was asking God why I'm coming. I just felt like God said "to love them" love who? Staff specifically, but everyone. I also felt God specifically tell me to love Audrey, even if it hurts. Really it does hurt. I realized yesterday that I carry around this "I can't be offended" attitude and with most people it's true, but with her she can hurt me so easily. Then I must try and be hard or something so I react rudely back.
But then there have been times where I tell her that she makes me insecure. Wow, how humiliating that feels, but how true. I hate to be affected by her honestly. I hate trying to love her.
Yesterday I was frustrated. I get pissed off trying to love someone who I feel doesn't love me... and doesn't really care if I love them or not. I was battling it out with God in the shower. "why am I supposed to love her? what do I freaking do to love her? how do I not hurt myself in the process? How do I break through walls? Am I supposed to break through walls? " In my head I was seriously thinking I can't put my heart on the line to be her friend... I can't keep trying... God I'm gonna give up unless something changes.
I got out of the shower, and sat down on my bed... ten minutes later Audrey skyped me and said "I'm depressed".
What? Is she actually telling me what's going on in her life?
I went over and talked to her. About random crap, not actually about being depressed, but it was good.
maybe I was just there, maybe I was her last resort, but it was enough for God to say "I still want you to love her"
I don't think it was a huge breakthrough in our relationship... I think it's a slow crack. I think it'll still be hard, I think I'll still be rejected... but I'm still learning what love is.
I'm not at all saying it's hard for me to love Audrey... it's easy for me to love Audrey... it's hard for me to show Audrey that I lover her... or to actually care about her because of fear of rejection.
10/25/07
I know that God places all people in our lives that are there for a reason, but I think there are some people He places in our lives for a more specific reason. I've always felt like Audrey is one of these people, even though I have no idea what the reason she's in my life is. I felt like this since I did MA which is weird. I knew she'd be in my life again. At that point I had absolutely no plans on ever doing a DTS or anything else with YWAM. Even though she suggested I do a DTS she's definitely not the one who persuaded me, but never the less, I ended up here, with her.
It's been interesting getting to know her. Hard actually. We don't really click, and I don't understand why. Seriously the best word to describe it is just "hard". I don't know if she feels the same way. I know I love her, I care about her, probably more than I care about a lot of people actually, but still there's something that stops me from being comfortable around her.
Fear of rejection I think. I don't know why it's so strong when I'm around her. There's this constant battle to show her that I love her, but guard my heart as well, and it doesn't work. I don't know how to get past it. I feel like she rejects me a lot, like I just can't get through.
Before I came back on staff I was asking God why I'm coming. I just felt like God said "to love them" love who? Staff specifically, but everyone. I also felt God specifically tell me to love Audrey, even if it hurts. Really it does hurt. I realized yesterday that I carry around this "I can't be offended" attitude and with most people it's true, but with her she can hurt me so easily. Then I must try and be hard or something so I react rudely back.
But then there have been times where I tell her that she makes me insecure. Wow, how humiliating that feels, but how true. I hate to be affected by her honestly. I hate trying to love her.
Yesterday I was frustrated. I get pissed off trying to love someone who I feel doesn't love me... and doesn't really care if I love them or not. I was battling it out with God in the shower. "why am I supposed to love her? what do I freaking do to love her? how do I not hurt myself in the process? How do I break through walls? Am I supposed to break through walls? " In my head I was seriously thinking I can't put my heart on the line to be her friend... I can't keep trying... God I'm gonna give up unless something changes.
I got out of the shower, and sat down on my bed... ten minutes later Audrey skyped me and said "I'm depressed".
What? Is she actually telling me what's going on in her life?
I went over and talked to her. About random crap, not actually about being depressed, but it was good.
maybe I was just there, maybe I was her last resort, but it was enough for God to say "I still want you to love her"
I don't think it was a huge breakthrough in our relationship... I think it's a slow crack. I think it'll still be hard, I think I'll still be rejected... but I'm still learning what love is.
I'm not at all saying it's hard for me to love Audrey... it's easy for me to love Audrey... it's hard for me to show Audrey that I lover her... or to actually care about her because of fear of rejection.
10/25/07
Happy Thanksgiving!!
In two days I've officially been on staff at YWAM SF for two months!!! In three days I've officially been sick for three weeks! BLAH! I'm going to the doctor tomorrow though, so in three days I should not be sick anymore!
Today was Thanksgiving and today was really good!
Today we had Thanksgiving with around 60 people Some homeless, some not. There were eight turkeys (I think)! and all of them were different. I made a turkey last night for the first time ever, and my room mate Holli also baked one as well.
11/23/07
Today was Thanksgiving and today was really good!
Today we had Thanksgiving with around 60 people Some homeless, some not. There were eight turkeys (I think)! and all of them were different. I made a turkey last night for the first time ever, and my room mate Holli also baked one as well.
11/23/07
I haven't felt this confined in a long time. I hate lies... I hate not being able to be honest, not being able to be completely open. How annoying. How does anyone do it? How does anyone live with stuff hidden. I can't do it, I'm so sick of it. I don't know where to go from here, I don't know where to begin! ugghhhh
12/24/07
12/24/07
life goes on even when prayer stops... or does it
I haven't prayed much lately and what I mean is, I haven't had an in depth conversation with God in a while. I shoot things out there in hopes of a reply, I sit and wait for a few minutes... and even sometimes longer but I never listen.
No matter how long I sit there in the silence, I'm not listening. I'm scared to or something. Scared that what I'm hearing's not really God, or maybe that it is. Scared that I can't actually hear him anymore, and that I really don't know what's going on. Scared that I'll discover something scary... or maybe something incredibly plain, which seems even more scary.
3/18/08
No matter how long I sit there in the silence, I'm not listening. I'm scared to or something. Scared that what I'm hearing's not really God, or maybe that it is. Scared that I can't actually hear him anymore, and that I really don't know what's going on. Scared that I'll discover something scary... or maybe something incredibly plain, which seems even more scary.
3/18/08
Dear Grandma and Papa,
I know that you will probably never understand why I walked away from the Lord. It hurts to look at you and know that you have so many questions about who I am, and the choices that I'm making. It hurts to see the wonder and questions in your eyes, instead of the calm sense of knowing. I hate that after knowing me for twenty-three years you might feel like you don't know me. I would love to tell you that nothings changed
3/19/12
I know that you will probably never understand why I walked away from the Lord. It hurts to look at you and know that you have so many questions about who I am, and the choices that I'm making. It hurts to see the wonder and questions in your eyes, instead of the calm sense of knowing. I hate that after knowing me for twenty-three years you might feel like you don't know me. I would love to tell you that nothings changed
3/19/12
I understand why people want to hold on so strongly to the belief that God exist, without that belief what is life? People want to believe that there's a reason all the bad shit happens, that there will be good in the end and that "innocent" people don't suffer. I would love to believe that too, if it were all true, but I can't. I can't choose to believe that something is true, simply because it makes my life easier. The truth is that babies are raped in Africa, 5 year old girls are starved to death in India, 16 year old women are trafficked for sex in America, and it doesn't do any good to believe that there's purpose in it all. Lots of people die horrific, mutilated deaths, and if there was an all powerful God in this world, I can't believe "it" wouldn't stop those things from happening. Life is a mess, and it's scary. Humans are animals and behave like so. I started on this journey to find out the truth, and what I've found is that there is none. Life has simply become what we make it, or what we chose to believe. Around every corner is a person who will tell you something different than what you knew before. I find that for religious people their God is always exactly who they believe him to be. The great thing about being open about what you're looking for is that you can never be wrong. I'm seeking out what is most true in life. If you prove my beliefs wrong, it won't make my world shatter, I will have just discovered something new. I don't have to keep saying that the sky is green in fear of going to hell, even though my mind wants so badly to say it's blue.
I would love to say I'm happier now, and that things are easier. I would love to say that life works out better without God, and if I did it would definitely in part be true... but the truth is that the more truth I learn, the harder it gets to make sense of all of the horrible shit in the world. The more I learn about what's in my future, the more my past unravels, and the more my past unravels the more the person I used to be disappears. It's hard to hold onto hope, and hapiness without denying the trajedies that are happening before
9/10/11
I would love to say I'm happier now, and that things are easier. I would love to say that life works out better without God, and if I did it would definitely in part be true... but the truth is that the more truth I learn, the harder it gets to make sense of all of the horrible shit in the world. The more I learn about what's in my future, the more my past unravels, and the more my past unravels the more the person I used to be disappears. It's hard to hold onto hope, and hapiness without denying the trajedies that are happening before
9/10/11
fuck you for fucking me
My logic wants to tell me that you don't exist, and that you never have. I wish that I could believe that this is true, but my heart tells me that there must be a rhyme or reason for things that happen. That I have purpose, and that my life isn't just a waste. And if that's true, I'm mad at you. I'm mad at your for being so mean. I'm mad at you for making me this way. I'm mad at you for letting me be put in those situations. I'm mad at you for taking advantage of my vulnerability. For abandoning "your child". For watching these things happen. My daddy would never do that. Someone who loves me, would never do that. Yes God, right now I see you as the rapist. I see you as the child molester. I see you as the asshole that blinded my eyes, while you took stabs at me. You covered my memory, you dumbed my brain. You let me become this way, afraid. And you don't want me to know what happened, you don't want me to remember, or to be able to get over it. You want me to sit in this dark abyss and be scared.
I'm afraid of men; I never want one to take anything from me again. They've already stolen so much. You've used me as your puppet, as your experiment. "Let this shit happen to her, because she can handle it." I don't want to handle it anymore. I don't know if you exist God, and I don't know that you're good. I want to take my life, and be happy. I want to break free of these strings that you've attached to my arms and legs. I don't want to be your prisoner anymore.
12/07/08
I'm afraid of men; I never want one to take anything from me again. They've already stolen so much. You've used me as your puppet, as your experiment. "Let this shit happen to her, because she can handle it." I don't want to handle it anymore. I don't know if you exist God, and I don't know that you're good. I want to take my life, and be happy. I want to break free of these strings that you've attached to my arms and legs. I don't want to be your prisoner anymore.
12/07/08
God is Love
I'm an honest person. I do not lie. I do not hide who I am, I don't fake, I don't pretend, I don't keep secrets. I can't, and I won't. And here's the truth. I notice girls that are pretty, way more than I ever notice guys. When I see a pretty girl, I want to tell someone. In fact, in the last year I noticed that people were starting to notice how much I comment on girls, so I made the conscious decision to shut my mouth every time I wanted to say something. And even though my comments had never been conscious before, I was suddenly aware.
I was always attracted to girls. I always had crushes on them, even though I didn't realize that's what it was. I thought my feelings for girls were normal, and I thought that everyone had them. I didn't understand how a non Christian Actress, playing someone who is gay in a movie, could not be gay. I was throughly convinced that if they ever kissed a girl, they would like it, and they would "turn gay". I didn't understand that all people don't feel the same way, about the same sex, as I do.
I was always intrigued by gay people. I always felt like I could relate to them, and in a way I think I never really realized what being gay was. I always knew that gay people weren't different, or messed up, and that they didn't deserve to be treated that way by the church. I always wanted to let them know that they were important, and loved.
Sometime last year, I was walking down the sidewalk and I thought, "God, why can't I just date a girl?" This wasn't a weird thought to me, this didn't even strike me as gay. It was actually a frequent thought, but for some reason this time it stood out a little more. I walked down the street thinking about how much better it would be, how much happier I would be, how much more I liked girls, how it all made sense, and then I just kept walking. There was always the underlying thought that "I might be gay", but I was never worried about it. Every feeling I ever had felt so normal, it felt so humanly, and so I didn't identify it as weird.
As I've gotten older, and the pressure to find a guy and get married has become more, my realizations have become more obvious. I realize that my thoughts about girls, and my lack of thoughts of ever getting married to a guy, are different than most girls my age. I realize that finding kissing a girl more appealing than kissing a guy isn't exactly normal. I realize that I am at a crossroads.
This issue is incredibly taboo. I feel like typing out "kissing a girl" makes me some kind of pervert, and I have never felt perverted in my life. I realize that if I choose to "just date a girl", I will immediately lose friends, my job, and respect from a large amount of church going people. I find it strange that for the first time, in a long time, I feel like being honest about my thoughts and feelings is the worst thing that I can do. That people would be better off not knowing, and not seeing this part of me. I am horrible at being confined and I am screaming to get out of this shell.
Keeping things hidden, not being honest, not being who I am, seems like the most unnatural thing to me. Honest is who I am, honest is who I know I'm supposed to be, and I am so confused right now.
11/27/08
I was always attracted to girls. I always had crushes on them, even though I didn't realize that's what it was. I thought my feelings for girls were normal, and I thought that everyone had them. I didn't understand how a non Christian Actress, playing someone who is gay in a movie, could not be gay. I was throughly convinced that if they ever kissed a girl, they would like it, and they would "turn gay". I didn't understand that all people don't feel the same way, about the same sex, as I do.
I was always intrigued by gay people. I always felt like I could relate to them, and in a way I think I never really realized what being gay was. I always knew that gay people weren't different, or messed up, and that they didn't deserve to be treated that way by the church. I always wanted to let them know that they were important, and loved.
Sometime last year, I was walking down the sidewalk and I thought, "God, why can't I just date a girl?" This wasn't a weird thought to me, this didn't even strike me as gay. It was actually a frequent thought, but for some reason this time it stood out a little more. I walked down the street thinking about how much better it would be, how much happier I would be, how much more I liked girls, how it all made sense, and then I just kept walking. There was always the underlying thought that "I might be gay", but I was never worried about it. Every feeling I ever had felt so normal, it felt so humanly, and so I didn't identify it as weird.
As I've gotten older, and the pressure to find a guy and get married has become more, my realizations have become more obvious. I realize that my thoughts about girls, and my lack of thoughts of ever getting married to a guy, are different than most girls my age. I realize that finding kissing a girl more appealing than kissing a guy isn't exactly normal. I realize that I am at a crossroads.
This issue is incredibly taboo. I feel like typing out "kissing a girl" makes me some kind of pervert, and I have never felt perverted in my life. I realize that if I choose to "just date a girl", I will immediately lose friends, my job, and respect from a large amount of church going people. I find it strange that for the first time, in a long time, I feel like being honest about my thoughts and feelings is the worst thing that I can do. That people would be better off not knowing, and not seeing this part of me. I am horrible at being confined and I am screaming to get out of this shell.
Keeping things hidden, not being honest, not being who I am, seems like the most unnatural thing to me. Honest is who I am, honest is who I know I'm supposed to be, and I am so confused right now.
11/27/08
Scientific research shows that Sexual Orientation can be affected by the amount of testosterone an infant is given in the womb. This explains gay stereo types; why lesbians as children identify more with the boys. They stay away from "girlish things", and so on. What's interesting is the fact that stereotypes of women and men are different in all countries. Although here men don't generally wear pink, or skirts and dresses, it is different in other cultures.
It wouldn't be a hormone that would attract a girl to wear boys clothes, but it would be a hormone that would make a girl relate to boys more easily.
I wonder how a girl given more testosterone in the womb would develop growing up in an environment secluded from men. But there is also the theory that a girl is more likely to be gay if she doesn't have a present loving father figure in her life.
Science also says that being given more testosterone in the womb, is a genetic malfunction. This malfunction is hereditary which makes it likely that other people in that family are also gay.
Here's the thing... Scientifically, and socially I find myself falling under every stereotype of a gay girl. This is something I've tried to avoid, no one wants to be a stereo type. No one wants to admit that who they are is designed, or even predicted by, their surroundings. None the less, I unfortunately do carry most stereotypes of a lesbian, whether they be "scientific, or religious guesses", and... drum role please.... I am attracted to girls.
As a kid I loved football, and hanging out with the boys. I wanted to pee standing up, I wanted to dress like a boy, but my mom wouldn't let me. I wanted to be best friends with the boys, all the way until high school.
(this doesn't make someone gay though does it? no it doesn't. but a lot of lesbians will relate to this fact as well)
My dad was never present, and I was very close to my mom. I didn't even like my dad until I was in high school. Now I love him, but I still find it hard to trust him; I find it hard to trust most men. (This doesn't make me gay does it? no. But most religious people will try to tell me this is why I like girls. Not based at all by science, or actual facts... but people still try to use it.)
I was molested as a child. Not that I remember it at all, but I'm pretty sure that it happened.
(This doesn't make me gay does it? no. lots of people who are molested as children turn out straight)
I had two brothers, and I came after 4 miscarriages. I was born after faulty prenatal vitamins, that contained who knows what. (no.... lots of people have brothers, AND miscarriages, right?)
My mom struggled with her own sexuality. Wondering if she was gay or not. She had several crushes on women, and at one point believed she would never be satisfied by a man. (This doesn't make me gay does it? no. it makes my mom gay. hah, but science says that yes, if someone else in my family has homosexual tendencies, I am more likely to have homosexual tendencies)
I've spent the last year wondering why people are gay. Something that a lot of people like to do. Christians especially like to try to figure out why people are gay. Most try to figure out a way to blame someone for being "a pervert" and what I've realized is that I fall under every stereotype that might make me gay. All of them might contribute to the fact, one of them might contribute, none of them might contribute. Without being able to truly pinpoint anything, what matters isn't why I'm attracted to girls, it's simply the fact that I am attracted to girls.
What does this mean? What does this mean for me alone? What does this mean for me, and everyone else? (Yes, this does affect my relationship with everyone else, especially Christians, and homosexuals) And most importantly, what does this mean for me and God? None of these things I've figured out yet. What's hardest is that I don't have patience. I feel like this is something that hugely influences my life. How I choose to handle it, defines who I am, and the affect that I will have on this world.
What I'm afraid of. I'm afraid that the girls that I'm attracted to will blame me, and won't want to be my friends. Even though I would NEVER act out those feelings on one of them. I'm afraid that the Christian community will suddenly find it to be their responsibility to hold me accountable; judging every relationship I have with a female, and deciding what parts of my life are "perverted". Giving me advice to lose parts of myself, that I don't feel like I'm supposed to lose. I'm afraid that I will handle this wrong. Either by completely denying it and trying to be straight, or by completely accepting it, and not letting "gender" get in the way. Honestly, I don't know which one God prefers for me. I believe that this is one of those issues in the "keel" of my ship. That God is calling me to share his love, by being able to relate to people who have the same issues. I'm afraid that I will lose myself to shame. That I won't be honest enough, that I will be afraid of what people think. I'm afraid that shame will be forced on me, and I'm not quite sure how to fight that shame.
10/4/08
It wouldn't be a hormone that would attract a girl to wear boys clothes, but it would be a hormone that would make a girl relate to boys more easily.
I wonder how a girl given more testosterone in the womb would develop growing up in an environment secluded from men. But there is also the theory that a girl is more likely to be gay if she doesn't have a present loving father figure in her life.
Science also says that being given more testosterone in the womb, is a genetic malfunction. This malfunction is hereditary which makes it likely that other people in that family are also gay.
Here's the thing... Scientifically, and socially I find myself falling under every stereotype of a gay girl. This is something I've tried to avoid, no one wants to be a stereo type. No one wants to admit that who they are is designed, or even predicted by, their surroundings. None the less, I unfortunately do carry most stereotypes of a lesbian, whether they be "scientific, or religious guesses", and... drum role please.... I am attracted to girls.
As a kid I loved football, and hanging out with the boys. I wanted to pee standing up, I wanted to dress like a boy, but my mom wouldn't let me. I wanted to be best friends with the boys, all the way until high school.
(this doesn't make someone gay though does it? no it doesn't. but a lot of lesbians will relate to this fact as well)
My dad was never present, and I was very close to my mom. I didn't even like my dad until I was in high school. Now I love him, but I still find it hard to trust him; I find it hard to trust most men. (This doesn't make me gay does it? no. But most religious people will try to tell me this is why I like girls. Not based at all by science, or actual facts... but people still try to use it.)
I was molested as a child. Not that I remember it at all, but I'm pretty sure that it happened.
(This doesn't make me gay does it? no. lots of people who are molested as children turn out straight)
I had two brothers, and I came after 4 miscarriages. I was born after faulty prenatal vitamins, that contained who knows what. (no.... lots of people have brothers, AND miscarriages, right?)
My mom struggled with her own sexuality. Wondering if she was gay or not. She had several crushes on women, and at one point believed she would never be satisfied by a man. (This doesn't make me gay does it? no. it makes my mom gay. hah, but science says that yes, if someone else in my family has homosexual tendencies, I am more likely to have homosexual tendencies)
I've spent the last year wondering why people are gay. Something that a lot of people like to do. Christians especially like to try to figure out why people are gay. Most try to figure out a way to blame someone for being "a pervert" and what I've realized is that I fall under every stereotype that might make me gay. All of them might contribute to the fact, one of them might contribute, none of them might contribute. Without being able to truly pinpoint anything, what matters isn't why I'm attracted to girls, it's simply the fact that I am attracted to girls.
What does this mean? What does this mean for me alone? What does this mean for me, and everyone else? (Yes, this does affect my relationship with everyone else, especially Christians, and homosexuals) And most importantly, what does this mean for me and God? None of these things I've figured out yet. What's hardest is that I don't have patience. I feel like this is something that hugely influences my life. How I choose to handle it, defines who I am, and the affect that I will have on this world.
What I'm afraid of. I'm afraid that the girls that I'm attracted to will blame me, and won't want to be my friends. Even though I would NEVER act out those feelings on one of them. I'm afraid that the Christian community will suddenly find it to be their responsibility to hold me accountable; judging every relationship I have with a female, and deciding what parts of my life are "perverted". Giving me advice to lose parts of myself, that I don't feel like I'm supposed to lose. I'm afraid that I will handle this wrong. Either by completely denying it and trying to be straight, or by completely accepting it, and not letting "gender" get in the way. Honestly, I don't know which one God prefers for me. I believe that this is one of those issues in the "keel" of my ship. That God is calling me to share his love, by being able to relate to people who have the same issues. I'm afraid that I will lose myself to shame. That I won't be honest enough, that I will be afraid of what people think. I'm afraid that shame will be forced on me, and I'm not quite sure how to fight that shame.
10/4/08
Gay moments...
When I kissed Lydia on the head, her reaction told me that it wasn't normal, so I shrank back into my shell. -1st grade
Truth or dare in 3rd grade, kissing a girl on the lips. I don't remember who it was. I think it was Gabby's cousin or something, it was in Gabby's back yard on the trampoline. I wanted to kiss her though, but I had to pretend that I was grossed out because everyone else did.
In general, just thinking that I wanted to kiss girls.
9th or 10th grade. When I was at a restaurant and this woman with a really cute hair cut was talking to me. Her hair was short, and I wanted to cut my hair short. She was joking around, and I really thought she was cool. After we left my mom said "I wanted to tell that lady to stop flirting with my daughter" I thought, "was she really flirting with me? was I flirting back with her?" I wanted to go back to talk to her, but I was self conscious that other people had noticed that I was interested.
When I realized that I always notice hot girls, and make comments on them. Finally I got a look from someone after my third comment (of the day) on a girl. I realized... "shit, I make too many comments about girls. I'm not normal." (But I still wasn't gay)
10/4/08
When I kissed Lydia on the head, her reaction told me that it wasn't normal, so I shrank back into my shell. -1st grade
Truth or dare in 3rd grade, kissing a girl on the lips. I don't remember who it was. I think it was Gabby's cousin or something, it was in Gabby's back yard on the trampoline. I wanted to kiss her though, but I had to pretend that I was grossed out because everyone else did.
In general, just thinking that I wanted to kiss girls.
9th or 10th grade. When I was at a restaurant and this woman with a really cute hair cut was talking to me. Her hair was short, and I wanted to cut my hair short. She was joking around, and I really thought she was cool. After we left my mom said "I wanted to tell that lady to stop flirting with my daughter" I thought, "was she really flirting with me? was I flirting back with her?" I wanted to go back to talk to her, but I was self conscious that other people had noticed that I was interested.
When I realized that I always notice hot girls, and make comments on them. Finally I got a look from someone after my third comment (of the day) on a girl. I realized... "shit, I make too many comments about girls. I'm not normal." (But I still wasn't gay)
10/4/08
Boys are not appealing to me. Talking to them, dating them... doesn't sound so fun. They are cute sometimes. The initial wondering is always there, and then it fades away.
But I don't really want to be gay. I don't want to come out, I don't want to figure out if it's right or wrong, and yet I feel like I'm supposed to. I'm worried. How do I tell people it's okay to love who they love, when I won't love who I love.
Does everything happen for a reason?
09/08
But I don't really want to be gay. I don't want to come out, I don't want to figure out if it's right or wrong, and yet I feel like I'm supposed to. I'm worried. How do I tell people it's okay to love who they love, when I won't love who I love.
Does everything happen for a reason?
09/08
not going to post this probably
I have lost sight of God in so many ways. I have forgotten what His voice sounds like, I don't really know when the last time I heard it was. I forgot what it's like to love Him. To be passionate and excited. To mourn after the people that live the cold life away from Him. I have leaned more and more towards being one of those people. That's an exaggeration, but I'm feeling too deeply right now to separate truth, and emotions.
Oh God. I feel like I constantly face this wall that I cannot crack. That I can only break down piece by piece, and no matter how small it gets, it's still something I trip over when I turn to seek after God. Right now this wall seems massive though, completely rebuilt, and blocking my view.
I know, I know, I know that God is there. That He is amazing, that He is just and that He loves me, but oh I cannot feel it, and His absence hurts so badly. The numbness I feel towards Him is so irritating. And all I have right now is discipline, is seeking after Him even in the darkest hour, even when I cannot feel Him and that seems too hard. Praying seems too hard.
Right now I feel like I have lost my concept of friends. I ache for a friend. I talk to my mom more about things than anyone else. Which is good, my mom is amazing, but I wish that I was more appreciated. That I had people around me who love who I am, and want to be around me.
2008
Oh God. I feel like I constantly face this wall that I cannot crack. That I can only break down piece by piece, and no matter how small it gets, it's still something I trip over when I turn to seek after God. Right now this wall seems massive though, completely rebuilt, and blocking my view.
I know, I know, I know that God is there. That He is amazing, that He is just and that He loves me, but oh I cannot feel it, and His absence hurts so badly. The numbness I feel towards Him is so irritating. And all I have right now is discipline, is seeking after Him even in the darkest hour, even when I cannot feel Him and that seems too hard. Praying seems too hard.
Right now I feel like I have lost my concept of friends. I ache for a friend. I talk to my mom more about things than anyone else. Which is good, my mom is amazing, but I wish that I was more appreciated. That I had people around me who love who I am, and want to be around me.
2008
Gay
Romans 1:26-27 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. [27] In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.
I've thought a lot about this, and I have so many questions. I wish that I could sit in front of Jesus and listen to him speak to me about how much he loves. I wish I knew his heart. I don't understand the verse above, because it says so many things. "God gave them over to shameful lust". What does "gave them over to" mean? Was being gay the punishment? Or was it the shame from being gay? What if God didn't "give them over to" that lust? Was it God's intent for gay people to feel shame? Why?
Why are people gay in the first place? Why is it a sin? It says in a different place in the bible that people who are homosexual will not inherit the kingdom of God, so what exactly is "the kingdom of God"? Are we talking about heaven, or are we talking about the kingdom here on earth? Christians like to hold up signs saying that gay people are going to hell, but the verse above says that they "received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion." The due penalty, the exact and complete penalty that they "deserve", they received in themselves. So what is this penalty? I assume that the penalty is shame, because the verse says "shameful lust", but maybe I'm wrong. I also assume that God isn't talking about hell when he's talking about the penalty they receive, because he's talking about the penalty being in themselves. Unless God is talking about the soul of course, but for some reason I feel like he's talking about the heart, and the guilt it faces.
By saying that they receive the due penalty for their perversion, He's also saying that the don't need to be penalized anymore. They don't need those picket signs, they don't need to be spat on.
The church says that they disagree with the sin, they fight against gay marriage, they do everything to make sure that it's clear that they disapprove, and why? In so many ways gay people are the people that God calls us to love the most.
So often they are the most hurt, the most in pain, the most rejected and the most unwanted. They're the ones who were sinned against as children, who grew up feeling different. And when they finally felt like they were comfortable with "who they are", and gained the courage to come out of the closet, they only experienced more hurt and more rejection. The church has called them perverts because of the verse above. They've told them that they're living in sin, and that they're going to go to hell and I just can't wrap my mind around that.
What about the two year old that was molested? Who's sexual doors were opened way too young, so he grew and developed differently. And when he was 10 years old and started to like boys instead of girls, he was confused because those feelings were the only ones he knew.
Why does that 10 year old boy start to like other boys? Because I guarantee at that point, it's not a choice. And why did all of those things that led to this point happen?
I'm not saying that all people who are molested turn out to be gay, and I'm not saying that all people who are gay were molested. I don't think that it's all genetics either, but I don't disagree that some people may be born that way. I don't really know why people are gay, but I know that there can be many different reasons.
The fact is that people are gay. That people are attracted to the same sex, whether it be by birth, or circumstance, or choice, and it's not going to go away. So what is our response, as Christians, going to be?
2008
I've thought a lot about this, and I have so many questions. I wish that I could sit in front of Jesus and listen to him speak to me about how much he loves. I wish I knew his heart. I don't understand the verse above, because it says so many things. "God gave them over to shameful lust". What does "gave them over to" mean? Was being gay the punishment? Or was it the shame from being gay? What if God didn't "give them over to" that lust? Was it God's intent for gay people to feel shame? Why?
Why are people gay in the first place? Why is it a sin? It says in a different place in the bible that people who are homosexual will not inherit the kingdom of God, so what exactly is "the kingdom of God"? Are we talking about heaven, or are we talking about the kingdom here on earth? Christians like to hold up signs saying that gay people are going to hell, but the verse above says that they "received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion." The due penalty, the exact and complete penalty that they "deserve", they received in themselves. So what is this penalty? I assume that the penalty is shame, because the verse says "shameful lust", but maybe I'm wrong. I also assume that God isn't talking about hell when he's talking about the penalty they receive, because he's talking about the penalty being in themselves. Unless God is talking about the soul of course, but for some reason I feel like he's talking about the heart, and the guilt it faces.
By saying that they receive the due penalty for their perversion, He's also saying that the don't need to be penalized anymore. They don't need those picket signs, they don't need to be spat on.
The church says that they disagree with the sin, they fight against gay marriage, they do everything to make sure that it's clear that they disapprove, and why? In so many ways gay people are the people that God calls us to love the most.
So often they are the most hurt, the most in pain, the most rejected and the most unwanted. They're the ones who were sinned against as children, who grew up feeling different. And when they finally felt like they were comfortable with "who they are", and gained the courage to come out of the closet, they only experienced more hurt and more rejection. The church has called them perverts because of the verse above. They've told them that they're living in sin, and that they're going to go to hell and I just can't wrap my mind around that.
What about the two year old that was molested? Who's sexual doors were opened way too young, so he grew and developed differently. And when he was 10 years old and started to like boys instead of girls, he was confused because those feelings were the only ones he knew.
Why does that 10 year old boy start to like other boys? Because I guarantee at that point, it's not a choice. And why did all of those things that led to this point happen?
I'm not saying that all people who are molested turn out to be gay, and I'm not saying that all people who are gay were molested. I don't think that it's all genetics either, but I don't disagree that some people may be born that way. I don't really know why people are gay, but I know that there can be many different reasons.
The fact is that people are gay. That people are attracted to the same sex, whether it be by birth, or circumstance, or choice, and it's not going to go away. So what is our response, as Christians, going to be?
2008
When I was younger I was molested. I don't remember it. I go back and forth with believing it or not, but somehow I know it happened, I've always known. I don't remember who did it, I don't remember when or how... I don't even remember how many people. I feel like it was a lot, but I don't really know. I know that I've asked God to remind me, but at the same time I never wanted to know.
I'll write down what I do remember.
I started masturbating when I was really young. I don't know how young though. If it was 4, or 6, or 8, but it was young. I've been doing it for as long as I can remember. My mom used to catch me and I would get in trouble, so I knew it was wrong, but I didn't know why. When I was 9 years old my mom sat me down and told me that what was happening to me was because when I was little a man named Raymond showed me his penis. When she said it I had a flash in my mind. I always thought that it had been a dream, but I had this very vague memory of a kid named Jeff showing me his penis. I think that when my mom told me this I even said "I thought that was Jeff?" and then with shock my mom said "Did Jeff do something to you?" Immediately I recoiled and assure her "I must be confused". Right now I feel like I don't really know if this event even happened, I figure that my mom would remember me saying that, but I don't think she does. My mom was going through a hard time then though. I think she has the tendency to block out things she doesn't want to see, or at least she used to. Maybe this event has even been a blocked out part of her memory. The vague dream is no longer a picture in my mind, but more of a thought with only words. But what eight year old dreams of a boy showing her his penis.
I have the same pictureless memory of Jeff threatening me. Telling me that if I told anyone, he would tell my grandma, and that she would hate me. He told me that his grandma already knew, and that she hated me. My whole past seems like a black hole. I don't like writing about it because I don't know how much of it is true, but I think it might all be.
I used to be scared at night. I would bury myself under pillows before I could fall sleep. I don't know why, or when it started, but I feel like it started when I went to Texas. I don't know what I was scared of. A man with a knife I think. I was pretty scared of men in general at that point. I always had this fear that my dad was secretly video taping me. I had a fear of my dad that only grew worse. Ah man, I don't know where it started, and sometimes I really don't want to know.
When I was 17 years old I found out that Jeff had molested my older brother. The Jeff that I had this vague dream of. I knew that it wasn't a dream anymore, I knew that it was a reality.
At some point, when I think I was 15, I freaked out because I wondered if my dad was the one who molested me. I don't know how it happened, but at 15 years old, I started packing pillows against me, and hiding against the wall before I could fall asleep again. I spent two weeks afraid of the dark, and then it started to go away again.
I remember sitting in the bath tub staring down at myself. I don't really know why this moment is significant but it stands out in my mind so much. I want to know what I was thinking but I can't remember. I think I was eight years old at the time.
2008
I'll write down what I do remember.
I started masturbating when I was really young. I don't know how young though. If it was 4, or 6, or 8, but it was young. I've been doing it for as long as I can remember. My mom used to catch me and I would get in trouble, so I knew it was wrong, but I didn't know why. When I was 9 years old my mom sat me down and told me that what was happening to me was because when I was little a man named Raymond showed me his penis. When she said it I had a flash in my mind. I always thought that it had been a dream, but I had this very vague memory of a kid named Jeff showing me his penis. I think that when my mom told me this I even said "I thought that was Jeff?" and then with shock my mom said "Did Jeff do something to you?" Immediately I recoiled and assure her "I must be confused". Right now I feel like I don't really know if this event even happened, I figure that my mom would remember me saying that, but I don't think she does. My mom was going through a hard time then though. I think she has the tendency to block out things she doesn't want to see, or at least she used to. Maybe this event has even been a blocked out part of her memory. The vague dream is no longer a picture in my mind, but more of a thought with only words. But what eight year old dreams of a boy showing her his penis.
I have the same pictureless memory of Jeff threatening me. Telling me that if I told anyone, he would tell my grandma, and that she would hate me. He told me that his grandma already knew, and that she hated me. My whole past seems like a black hole. I don't like writing about it because I don't know how much of it is true, but I think it might all be.
I used to be scared at night. I would bury myself under pillows before I could fall sleep. I don't know why, or when it started, but I feel like it started when I went to Texas. I don't know what I was scared of. A man with a knife I think. I was pretty scared of men in general at that point. I always had this fear that my dad was secretly video taping me. I had a fear of my dad that only grew worse. Ah man, I don't know where it started, and sometimes I really don't want to know.
When I was 17 years old I found out that Jeff had molested my older brother. The Jeff that I had this vague dream of. I knew that it wasn't a dream anymore, I knew that it was a reality.
At some point, when I think I was 15, I freaked out because I wondered if my dad was the one who molested me. I don't know how it happened, but at 15 years old, I started packing pillows against me, and hiding against the wall before I could fall asleep again. I spent two weeks afraid of the dark, and then it started to go away again.
I remember sitting in the bath tub staring down at myself. I don't really know why this moment is significant but it stands out in my mind so much. I want to know what I was thinking but I can't remember. I think I was eight years old at the time.
2008
what
Theories on why people are gay: Because they were born that way. Because they choose to be that way. Because they were told they were their whole life and finally decided the other people must be right. Because of different circumstances that happen, that for some reason cause you to be attracted to the same sex, while you're growing and maturing.
You hear people say, "I knew it my whole life", but I wonder how many straight people wondered if they were gay throughout their lives. I look at my life, and it's there. The typical gay stuff, everything I hate about the "gay label". The tomboy, who never liked dresses or being girly. Who would rather play football at recess than hopscotch or jump rope. I hate it when people use those examples for why they knew they were gay. What does that have to do with liking girls? But why is it so common that all of those things are likely to end up next to an attraction to other girls. It's not because people told me that I was gay because I liked those things, no one did. No one ever put the gay label on me but somehow I still knew it was there.
I wonder when I started thinking about it or why. I can remember someone saying at one point that they wouldn't be surprised if I turned out gay, and that was in like 7th grade. I know that when I started hanging out with Trisha I felt like my mom was afraid that I might turn into a lesbian. Even at YWAM this last year, I felt Karol looking at me with wondering eyes... or maybe they were knowing eyes. I think I've been aware of it for a while, but haven't really ever cared about it. At some point I realized that I always comment when I see a pretty girl, and never a cute guy. That I always notice the girls before I notice the boys... not that I don't ever notice the boys. I can look back and see crushes that I had, but I wasn't aware of what they were when they were happening and it's strange.
I'm not gay. I won't call myself that. I think it's more complicated. I don't know if everyone is attracted to both genders, but right now I don't think so. It's so weird. If you take the whole sexuality thing apart, it's pretty much three sections, love, attraction, sex.
Sex is so strange. It's addictive, and powerful, but you don't even need another person to have it. Your body is made to enjoy being touched in different areas, so you can have sex with anything... and your body can enjoy it. You don't even need a boy or a girl.
Then there's love. I used to think that if I had a false sense of what love is, then I would probably think that I'm gay. Maybe I don't have any idea what love is though. I think because of the things that have happened to me, I feel a lot deeper than a lot of other people. I think that I can hurt a lot deeper, but that I can also love a lot deeper. Is love, and being in love different? Or is being in love just a deeper form of love. If that's true, can you be in love with anyone?
And attraction... you can be attracted to anything. Anyone can notice if a boy or a girl is hot, no matter what gender they are. But I guess it's more than just that. I heard someone talking about attraction one time, and I think they were saying that it's like that... but I think attraction involves a pull. A light that switches on in your head, a feeling that sparks in your heart, and the degrees can be different. So what if your degrees of attraction are stronger to the same sex than to the opposite. Then, it seems like... the only thing that is holding you to be gay, is the attraction.
I think gay's just a bullshit word we made up... I think that I'm attracted to girls more than guys and I don't know why. I think it happens out of circumstance, with things that happen while you're growing up. I believe that all things happen for a reason, so I wonder why these things happened. Why did I get molested? Why can't I remember what happened? How has starting to masturbate at the age of 5 affected me. Why do all of these things add up to an attraction to girls.
2008
You hear people say, "I knew it my whole life", but I wonder how many straight people wondered if they were gay throughout their lives. I look at my life, and it's there. The typical gay stuff, everything I hate about the "gay label". The tomboy, who never liked dresses or being girly. Who would rather play football at recess than hopscotch or jump rope. I hate it when people use those examples for why they knew they were gay. What does that have to do with liking girls? But why is it so common that all of those things are likely to end up next to an attraction to other girls. It's not because people told me that I was gay because I liked those things, no one did. No one ever put the gay label on me but somehow I still knew it was there.
I wonder when I started thinking about it or why. I can remember someone saying at one point that they wouldn't be surprised if I turned out gay, and that was in like 7th grade. I know that when I started hanging out with Trisha I felt like my mom was afraid that I might turn into a lesbian. Even at YWAM this last year, I felt Karol looking at me with wondering eyes... or maybe they were knowing eyes. I think I've been aware of it for a while, but haven't really ever cared about it. At some point I realized that I always comment when I see a pretty girl, and never a cute guy. That I always notice the girls before I notice the boys... not that I don't ever notice the boys. I can look back and see crushes that I had, but I wasn't aware of what they were when they were happening and it's strange.
I'm not gay. I won't call myself that. I think it's more complicated. I don't know if everyone is attracted to both genders, but right now I don't think so. It's so weird. If you take the whole sexuality thing apart, it's pretty much three sections, love, attraction, sex.
Sex is so strange. It's addictive, and powerful, but you don't even need another person to have it. Your body is made to enjoy being touched in different areas, so you can have sex with anything... and your body can enjoy it. You don't even need a boy or a girl.
Then there's love. I used to think that if I had a false sense of what love is, then I would probably think that I'm gay. Maybe I don't have any idea what love is though. I think because of the things that have happened to me, I feel a lot deeper than a lot of other people. I think that I can hurt a lot deeper, but that I can also love a lot deeper. Is love, and being in love different? Or is being in love just a deeper form of love. If that's true, can you be in love with anyone?
And attraction... you can be attracted to anything. Anyone can notice if a boy or a girl is hot, no matter what gender they are. But I guess it's more than just that. I heard someone talking about attraction one time, and I think they were saying that it's like that... but I think attraction involves a pull. A light that switches on in your head, a feeling that sparks in your heart, and the degrees can be different. So what if your degrees of attraction are stronger to the same sex than to the opposite. Then, it seems like... the only thing that is holding you to be gay, is the attraction.
I think gay's just a bullshit word we made up... I think that I'm attracted to girls more than guys and I don't know why. I think it happens out of circumstance, with things that happen while you're growing up. I believe that all things happen for a reason, so I wonder why these things happened. Why did I get molested? Why can't I remember what happened? How has starting to masturbate at the age of 5 affected me. Why do all of these things add up to an attraction to girls.
2008
agh
I want to love God more and I keep failing. To the point where I don't pray anymore. To the point where I'm just trying to get by and do good. To the point where I just feel like a failure and I can't take any criticism because it will just confirm how much I feel that I suck.
I want to love God more but I'm not and I'm choosing not to, and that's scary. And I don't really know what to do and the easy answer is "pray" and for some reason I can't get myself to do that. I can't get myself to open up my bible, or to turn to someone else in worship and say that I need help. I can't get myself to stop dragging my feet. I am so aware, SO AWARE, of how much I'm failing and the path that I'm headed down, and I can't get myself to change it. I'd rather write a blog than pray. I'd rather watch tv than think. I'd rather just not do it anymore.
2008
I want to love God more but I'm not and I'm choosing not to, and that's scary. And I don't really know what to do and the easy answer is "pray" and for some reason I can't get myself to do that. I can't get myself to open up my bible, or to turn to someone else in worship and say that I need help. I can't get myself to stop dragging my feet. I am so aware, SO AWARE, of how much I'm failing and the path that I'm headed down, and I can't get myself to change it. I'd rather write a blog than pray. I'd rather watch tv than think. I'd rather just not do it anymore.
2008
Is It Time For Me To Leave?
Just when I thought everything was getting better.... it wasn't.
I smoked pot this last weekend. If I told leadership that I did, then I would be fired. Without a doubt, fired. I don't feel guilt or shame, or maybe I do. I don't feel like smoking pot is the worst thing that you could do. I feel like I did something stupid, like I did something wrong. That I no longer have the right to be here. That I took away the factor that I should be here, and now I no longer should. So I can stay here if I decide to never tell them, but if I tell them that would be me choosing to leave. But by smoking did I already choose to leave? Am I already gone? Is it just a matter of time before this eats me alive and I confess? What did I do? I know that you mess up. That sin happens... but did this sin happen because I'm not supposed to be here anymore? Or am I supposed to be here and I just messed up.
Is one sin bigger than another? Is this something that I should let slide under the rug? I jay-walked today too. That's illegal also, but I don't think leadership would care if I told them. I don't feel like telling them I smoked. I don't feel like letting them decide if I have the right to stay here or not.
What is "leadership"? Who is "leadership"? Right now I feel like so much is going wrong that I don't understand. I just talked to my dad and he said it's funny because YWAM sets up my tax's that I'm an independent contractor, that means that I don't take any orders from anyone. That I'm the boss, that I don't have leadership. If I did have leadership I would be an employee. So this whole "leadership" thing is just an invisible line, or a lie. A legal lie.
Here at the base we use the basement next door even though legally we're not supposed to. We also use food bank food to feed our MA students and DTS, food that only supposed to be used for the homeless. We lie by omission, and I'm not saying that it's right, but I think that if I'm being held to the bases standards the base is pretty low.
2008
I smoked pot this last weekend. If I told leadership that I did, then I would be fired. Without a doubt, fired. I don't feel guilt or shame, or maybe I do. I don't feel like smoking pot is the worst thing that you could do. I feel like I did something stupid, like I did something wrong. That I no longer have the right to be here. That I took away the factor that I should be here, and now I no longer should. So I can stay here if I decide to never tell them, but if I tell them that would be me choosing to leave. But by smoking did I already choose to leave? Am I already gone? Is it just a matter of time before this eats me alive and I confess? What did I do? I know that you mess up. That sin happens... but did this sin happen because I'm not supposed to be here anymore? Or am I supposed to be here and I just messed up.
Is one sin bigger than another? Is this something that I should let slide under the rug? I jay-walked today too. That's illegal also, but I don't think leadership would care if I told them. I don't feel like telling them I smoked. I don't feel like letting them decide if I have the right to stay here or not.
What is "leadership"? Who is "leadership"? Right now I feel like so much is going wrong that I don't understand. I just talked to my dad and he said it's funny because YWAM sets up my tax's that I'm an independent contractor, that means that I don't take any orders from anyone. That I'm the boss, that I don't have leadership. If I did have leadership I would be an employee. So this whole "leadership" thing is just an invisible line, or a lie. A legal lie.
Here at the base we use the basement next door even though legally we're not supposed to. We also use food bank food to feed our MA students and DTS, food that only supposed to be used for the homeless. We lie by omission, and I'm not saying that it's right, but I think that if I'm being held to the bases standards the base is pretty low.
2008
It's Okay to Be Honest
I've been thinking a lot lately, which is good. This blog is going to be random.
As I was walking home from church tonight the thought that came into my head was "In order to seek justice, you must first seek truth... there cannot be justice where there is not truth."
So what is truth? Truth is only decided by God, and nothing else. Scientists would say that truth would be things like the laws of motion, or things that are "absolutes", but God is above that, He can defy gravity, He is the only one who decides what it true.
I've been thinking a lot about homosexuality lately, I don't really know why. I've sort of decided that I won't ever know what the right answer is... and that has got me questioning more things about what I know about God. I decided that I don't think I can say I believe homosexuality is "wrong", but I can't yet say that I believe it's right. Is God a gray area God, or is He a black and white God? Because He created gray area people and He created black and white people. But in the bible I believe He left a lot of things in a gray area way. Why did He do that?
Today I was in the bathroom and I was wondering what Jesus would say if I said, "My friend is gay, is it okay for her to be gay?" and then I thought about all of the parables in the new testament, and about the one where He talks about sewing the seeds. (I think it's that one) It's a parable about parables, and about how the people who are ready to understand the parable will, and the people who aren't ready to understand won't... but we won't ever know which of those people we are, the ones who understand, or the ones that don't. I think that if I were to ask Jesus that question, He would tell me a parable.
I am so deep into thoughts about this, I can't even begin to explain them.
Ok... to me when the bible says "inherit the kingdom of God" I don't know if it's talking about heaven, or if it's talking about God's kingdom here on earth. I kind of think that it's talking about God's kingdom here on earth, and that makes more sense to me. If God gives them over to their "lusts" then that means that Gods letting them put a shield up between Him and them... He's letting them do what they want, even though it might hurt them. If they "won't inherit the kingdom of God" then to me, that means that they won't know Him. They won't experience His blessings or His love. But still, what would be the point of that? It almost seems like God is saying that being gay is punishment for something else, not that being gay is punishable.
2008
As I was walking home from church tonight the thought that came into my head was "In order to seek justice, you must first seek truth... there cannot be justice where there is not truth."
So what is truth? Truth is only decided by God, and nothing else. Scientists would say that truth would be things like the laws of motion, or things that are "absolutes", but God is above that, He can defy gravity, He is the only one who decides what it true.
I've been thinking a lot about homosexuality lately, I don't really know why. I've sort of decided that I won't ever know what the right answer is... and that has got me questioning more things about what I know about God. I decided that I don't think I can say I believe homosexuality is "wrong", but I can't yet say that I believe it's right. Is God a gray area God, or is He a black and white God? Because He created gray area people and He created black and white people. But in the bible I believe He left a lot of things in a gray area way. Why did He do that?
Today I was in the bathroom and I was wondering what Jesus would say if I said, "My friend is gay, is it okay for her to be gay?" and then I thought about all of the parables in the new testament, and about the one where He talks about sewing the seeds. (I think it's that one) It's a parable about parables, and about how the people who are ready to understand the parable will, and the people who aren't ready to understand won't... but we won't ever know which of those people we are, the ones who understand, or the ones that don't. I think that if I were to ask Jesus that question, He would tell me a parable.
I am so deep into thoughts about this, I can't even begin to explain them.
Romans 1:26-27 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. [27] In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.
I don't understand the wording of this, I don't understand it at all. "God gave them over to shameful lusts.... God GAVE THEM OVER TO..." what does that mean? Why would God do that? What does that mean?
1 Cor. 6:9-10 Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders [10] nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. [NIV]
Ok... to me when the bible says "inherit the kingdom of God" I don't know if it's talking about heaven, or if it's talking about God's kingdom here on earth. I kind of think that it's talking about God's kingdom here on earth, and that makes more sense to me. If God gives them over to their "lusts" then that means that Gods letting them put a shield up between Him and them... He's letting them do what they want, even though it might hurt them. If they "won't inherit the kingdom of God" then to me, that means that they won't know Him. They won't experience His blessings or His love. But still, what would be the point of that? It almost seems like God is saying that being gay is punishment for something else, not that being gay is punishable.
2008
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