I understand why people want to hold on so strongly to the belief that God exist, without that belief what is life? People want to believe that there's a reason all the bad shit happens, that there will be good in the end and that "innocent" people don't suffer. I would love to believe that too, if it were all true, but I can't. I can't choose to believe that something is true, simply because it makes my life easier. The truth is that babies are raped in Africa, 5 year old girls are starved to death in India, 16 year old women are trafficked for sex in America, and it doesn't do any good to believe that there's purpose in it all. Lots of people die horrific, mutilated deaths, and if there was an all powerful God in this world, I can't believe "it" wouldn't stop those things from happening. Life is a mess, and it's scary. Humans are animals and behave like so. I started on this journey to find out the truth, and what I've found is that there is none. Life has simply become what we make it, or what we chose to believe. Around every corner is a person who will tell you something different than what you knew before. I find that for religious people their God is always exactly who they believe him to be. The great thing about being open about what you're looking for is that you can never be wrong. I'm seeking out what is most true in life. If you prove my beliefs wrong, it won't make my world shatter, I will have just discovered something new. I don't have to keep saying that the sky is green in fear of going to hell, even though my mind wants so badly to say it's blue.

I would love to say I'm happier now, and that things are easier. I would love to say that life works out better without God, and if I did it would definitely in part be true... but the truth is that the more truth I learn, the harder it gets to make sense of all of the horrible shit in the world. The more I learn about what's in my future, the more my past unravels, and the more my past unravels the more the person I used to be disappears. It's hard to hold onto hope, and hapiness without denying the trajedies that are happening before       

9/10/11