God is Love

I'm an honest person. I do not lie. I do not hide who I am, I don't fake, I don't pretend, I don't keep secrets. I can't, and I won't. And here's the truth. I notice girls that are pretty, way more than I ever notice guys. When I see a pretty girl, I want to tell someone. In fact, in the last year I noticed that people were starting to notice how much I comment on girls, so I made the conscious decision to shut my mouth every time I wanted to say something. And even though my comments had never been conscious before, I was suddenly aware.

I was always attracted to girls. I always had crushes on them, even though I didn't realize that's what it was. I thought my feelings for girls were normal, and I thought that everyone had them. I didn't understand how a non Christian Actress, playing someone who is gay in a movie, could not be gay. I was throughly convinced that if they ever kissed a girl, they would like it, and they would "turn gay". I didn't understand that all people don't feel the same way, about the same sex, as I do.

I was always intrigued by gay people. I always felt like I could relate to them, and in a way I think I never really realized what being gay was. I always knew that gay people weren't different, or messed up, and that they didn't deserve to be treated that way by the church. I always wanted to let them know that they were important, and loved.

Sometime last year, I was walking down the sidewalk and I thought, "God, why can't I just date a girl?" This wasn't a weird thought to me, this didn't even strike me as gay. It was actually a frequent thought, but for some reason this time it stood out a little more. I walked down the street thinking about how much better it would be, how much happier I would be, how much more I liked girls, how it all made sense, and then I just kept walking. There was always the underlying thought that "I might be gay", but I was never worried about it. Every feeling I ever had felt so normal, it felt so humanly, and so I didn't identify it as weird.

As I've gotten older, and the pressure to find a guy and get married has become more, my realizations have become more obvious. I realize that my thoughts about girls, and my lack of thoughts of ever getting married to a guy, are different than most girls my age. I realize that finding kissing a girl more appealing than kissing a guy isn't exactly normal. I realize that I am at a crossroads.

This issue is incredibly taboo. I feel like typing out "kissing a girl" makes me some kind of pervert, and I have never felt perverted in my life. I realize that if I choose to "just date a girl", I will immediately lose friends, my job, and respect from a large amount of church going people. I find it strange that for the first time, in a long time, I feel like being honest about my thoughts and feelings is the worst thing that I can do. That people would be better off not knowing, and not seeing this part of me. I am horrible at being confined and I am screaming to get out of this shell.

Keeping things hidden, not being honest, not being who I am, seems like the most unnatural thing to me. Honest is who I am, honest is who I know I'm supposed to be, and I am so confused right now.

11/27/08