what

Theories on why people are gay: Because they were born that way. Because they choose to be that way. Because they were told they were their whole life and finally decided the other people must be right. Because of different circumstances that happen, that for some reason cause you to be attracted to the same sex, while you're growing and maturing.

You hear people say, "I knew it my whole life", but I wonder how many straight people wondered if they were gay throughout their lives. I look at my life, and it's there. The typical gay stuff, everything I hate about the "gay label". The tomboy, who never liked dresses or being girly. Who would rather play football at recess than hopscotch or jump rope. I hate it when people use those examples for why they knew they were gay. What does that have to do with liking girls? But why is it so common that all of those things are likely to end up next to an attraction to other girls. It's not because people told me that I was gay because I liked those things, no one did. No one ever put the gay label on me but somehow I still knew it was there.

I wonder when I started thinking about it or why. I can remember someone saying at one point that they wouldn't be surprised if I turned out gay, and that was in like 7th grade. I know that when I started hanging out with Trisha I felt like my mom was afraid that I might turn into a lesbian. Even at YWAM this last year, I felt Karol looking at me with wondering eyes... or maybe they were knowing eyes. I think I've been aware of it for a while, but haven't really ever cared about it. At some point I realized that I always comment when I see a pretty girl, and never a cute guy. That I always notice the girls before I notice the boys... not that I don't ever notice the boys. I can look back and see crushes that I had, but I wasn't aware of what they were when they were happening and it's strange.

I'm not gay. I won't call myself that. I think it's more complicated. I don't know if everyone is attracted to both genders, but right now I don't think so. It's so weird. If you take the whole sexuality thing apart, it's pretty much three sections, love, attraction, sex.

Sex is so strange. It's addictive, and powerful, but you don't even need another person to have it. Your body is made to enjoy being touched in different areas, so you can have sex with anything... and your body can enjoy it. You don't even need a boy or a girl.

Then there's love. I used to think that if I had a false sense of what love is, then I would probably think that I'm gay. Maybe I don't have any idea what love is though. I think because of the things that have happened to me, I feel a lot deeper than a lot of other people. I think that I can hurt a lot deeper, but that I can also love a lot deeper. Is love, and being in love different? Or is being in love just a deeper form of love. If that's true, can you be in love with anyone?

And attraction... you can be attracted to anything. Anyone can notice if a boy or a girl is hot, no matter what gender they are. But I guess it's more than just that. I heard someone talking about attraction one time, and I think they were saying that it's like that... but I think attraction involves a pull. A light that switches on in your head, a feeling that sparks in your heart, and the degrees can be different. So what if your degrees of attraction are stronger to the same sex than to the opposite. Then, it seems like... the only thing that is holding you to be gay, is the attraction.

I think gay's just a bullshit word we made up... I think that I'm attracted to girls more than guys and I don't know why. I think it happens out of circumstance, with things that happen while you're growing up. I believe that all things happen for a reason, so I wonder why these things happened. Why did I get molested? Why can't I remember what happened? How has starting to masturbate at the age of 5 affected me. Why do all of these things add up to an attraction to girls.

2008