Utter Confusion.... How will I leave this city?

I have begun to believe that I do not have the passion for the people of this city that I once had... what a complete and utter lie. Last night I was reminded of exactly the heart God has given me for these people.

Every week I do not want to go out on Wednesday nights for ministry, and every week I come back with a broken heart for someone I met that night. A piece of me is completely in love with them, and totally empathetic towards their situation. Every part of me mourns for them in a way I cannot explain. I've been praying for God's heart more, and a real love for people... I think this is something He is giving me. I think He is giving me His "father" heart.

No matter the age of these people, I want to be their mother. I want to help them grow, I want to show them love, I want to tuck them in at night, I want to show them that I really care. I want to really care.

This week I've become more and more confused about what I'm doing after DTS. I'm saddened by the fact that I didn't meet more people here, and that I didn't spend more time ministering. I wish I spent more time outside of the walls of this base. I wish ministry was completely my lifestyle. I wish I was more bold, fearless, more in tune with God, a better listener... a better follower of Him. Maybe outreach will put me more at this place... but I still wish I was already at this place.

I hate immaturity... Right now I feel completely immature in my relationship with Christ. Inadequate. But that doesn't make sense.

The person that reminded me of all of this last night was Rob.


So the story of Rob.

One night I met a boy named Rob. I didn't talk to him much... maybe not at all, but something about him captured me. He was young, too young to be on the streets, but not according to the government. A couple days later, on the way to In N Out, I sat down next to him on the bus, and introduced myself. He was really nice, but he asked me to tell everyone from YWAM to not talk to him when they see him on the streets. He said that the first time it happened it was really cool, and really emotional, but when he's out there now he's busy, he's working, and he doesn't want to be bothered. I told him that I understood and that I would tell them. After that he didn't stop talking to me though. He talked about how the bus driver sucked so bad and how he was pissed that none of them believed he was 18, which he wasn't, he was 19, but who cares right?

He told me he finally got a place to stay where he didn't have to give the guy sex to live there. FINALLY!!! The first time ever maybe? He said that the men always act sweet, like they're trying to do something nice, but then later try and take advantage of him. He said that it was really emotionally scarring. That it was hard enough that it was his job, he didn't want it to have to be everywhere. He complained about having to be a prostitute. How it's not fair that what should be fun for him is just completely screwed up because he's doing it for money. This 19 year old child sounded like he had no one to love on, and no one loving on him... again my heart broke for him.

Last night I saw him again for the first time since that bus ride. I waved and I smiled, I wanted to respect his wishes even though it slightly killed me. I walked by him, and I said "hi" wanting to say so much more. We walked down the street because it was time to go, and I felt a pull at my heart to give him the five dollars in my pocket. I was incredibly skeptical to give away money, but maybe this was what he needed. I looked up, and there he was, parallel to me on the other side of the street. He looked up, and started walking away back towards the corner. I headed towards him, and ran across the road, I approached him and said, "Hi, I know you asked us not to talk to you, but I wanted to give this to you." I reached into my pocket and pulled out the five. He leaped on me, hugging me and thanking me so much. His body was skinny and frail, he was about my height too, and I'm definitely not tall. He asked me what my name was again, and told me he was really thinking about coming to reach up. I gave him my rock that said "angel" and told to remember that he has a angels watching out for him, and I walked away.

We went back to debrief and Adam said that him and Erin had ran into Rob four times that night, but he really didn't want to talk. Frances had also seen him, and he told her not to talk to him. (I don't know if this was last night, or maybe just another night) I don't know if Rob will actually come to reach up, a lot of people say they will and never do. Maybe next time we see him it'll be different, maybe the five dollars opened up his heart in a new way. I leave in five days, and right now I really wish I could be here for two more months just to build a relationship with him. I wish I had more time.

I'm ruined

I saw a movie tonight... I should've walked out during the previews of, but I didn't.

The movie was intense, that's for sure. The graphics and filming was insane.

The movie was horrible. I am ruined. I realize that I can't even look at these things the same as I used to. I watched something I shouldn't of watched. I mean I am ruined in the sense that I am destroyed to the things I used to be fine with. My filter is changing.

If you like false Gods, murder, sex, rape, pride, and death.... then I guess it was a good movie. The movie was 300.

bleh. I'm actually miserable right now. I feel like I just got hit by a brick.


It's more than the movie, it's being at home and being sad too.


I know that I'm fine..... hmm I just feel a little strange.

this is life

I don't remember what I was going to say again... but I had a good idea of it 20 minutes ago.



March 13, 2007 I gave my life to Jesus Christ. I felt sort of like a lame kid at summer camp, when the words were spilling out of my mouth. How many times have I done this before? I thought my life was already God's, but that thought was easily brushed away. This time was different, this time was more. I wasn't stating that I believed in God like before, or that I'd like to follow Him. I wasn't saying that I'd give my best attempts, or that I really hope to stay on this path. I'm not having a camp high, or a DTS high. I gave away my heart tonight, I gave away myself. My life is the Lord's, and I don't mean that in your typical mediocre way. I am no longer my own, not in the least bit. I have a reason to live, and that reason is Him, and only Him.

Slavery? No, it's freedom. It's the freedom that I've always wanted. Freedom to be who I was created to be. Freedom to love, to enjoy life, freedom to have purpose, and freedom to change the lives of others for good. If you're not a slave to God, you're just a slave to everything that God is not.

I know there might be stuff I'm holding onto, but my commitment was to let go of it. As it comes along I plan to give it up. Hold me accountable. I can't say that this is the life I've always wanted, but it's the life I've always meant to have, and now I want it more than anything.

I love this feeling that I get. The awe, the joy, the true amazement. I love when I can just sit in it and realize, "This is God. This is what life was meant to be." I couldn't ask for anything better.


I don't want to fear anymore, I never want to walk in disbelief. What would happen if you just did as He asks? No questions, no doubt. Wow, how you would truly know Him.

The Goal is Jesus, and that's the only Goal.

Summer

The weather has been amazing here the last couple of days! It makes me so happy. I don't know why, but my mood is actually rather drastically changed by the weather. I really think that my body craves the sun's natural endorphines more than most people. Actually, (this thought popped into my head) I think that my brain produces less endorphines than most peoples, (depression) and then when I have the sun I sort of get balanced out. Therefore when I don't have the sun, I get really sad a lot easier than normal.

Another reason I love the sun is because it reminds me of summer. Summer is carefree, and summer is fun.

This week has been good. Ruthie is speaking, and even though it's only been two days I really like it! I think she's sort of brutally honest, which is nice. I don't think she's the nicest when she speaks either... which is also nice. I'm pretty sure I had more to say, but I guess I'm not in a very deep mood right now.

I broke my back when wrestling with one of my room mates last night, and now it's killing me! (no, I didn't literally break it) It's okay though.... I'm tuff.


pointless pointless... I'll write more later.

Another Tear

I should shower right now.... but I guess it's not that important. I don't smell haggard yet, I just look it.

I fell in love with the German baby Mia, and I've been carrying her around a lot lately. She's adorable.... and I secretly wish that she would start speaking English before German. Yes, the mother in me. You wouldn't guess it, but I'm sort of baby crazy.


A Man Named Ben

So we went out for hot chocolate again Friday, and like always for some reason I really wasn't in the mood to go. We prayed before we went out, and also like always now I'm really glad I went.

We met a man on the corner named Ben. He was waiting until ten to make a phone call on the pay phone. We asked him if he would like hot chocolate and he said yes. He carried one of those four legged canes with him, and he talked a little bit slower. He explained to us that he was 56, and that over 20 years ago he was ran over by a motorcylce... he should've died. He shook badly as he talked to us, and he told us it was the medication he was on for his mental illness. His hot chocolate poured out all over him, but he held onto it anyways. He asked us if we would pray for his sister that died of kidney failure a year ago, that she would be in heaven, and so we did. We prayed for him too.

I put my hand on his shoulder as we began to pray, and his body started to sink. I didn't know if it was the weight that he couldn't hold, or if his balance was off because his eyes were closed, so I lightened my hand up a lot. I couldn't let go of him though. Beneath me was a beautiful, broken man, who had experienced way more tragedies in his life than I can ever imagine; and I wanted him to know that I really care. Feeling his shoulder sink beneath my hand, caused my heart to break. As an 18 year old girl I wanted to pick this man up off the street and hold him. I wanted to speak life into him as a mother would, and I wanted to rescue him from all of this pain, but I couldn't.

After that we continued to talk to him. He told us that his mother was dying of Parkinson’s, and that his father had already died of kidney failure a while ago. He told us how he could no longer ride the bus because he could never get a seat, and that he would fall down without one. He also told us how his mother had told him that she had named him Ben, and not Benjamin because she knew he'd never be able to spell it. Talk about growing up under a curse.

Since his accident his esophagus doesn't work right, and he often chokes on food. His bladder doesn't work right either, so he has to wear diapers.... kids like me are awful to him because of the fact that he smells sometimes. He lives off of three dollars a day, and yet this man did not seem bitter. He told us how he grew up on a farm, and had dreams to be an actor. He talked about his love of disney movies like Snow White, and that his favorite of the seven dwarves is Dopey, A.K.A. "the one who keeps kissing her on the cheek". He said that people say that he reminds them of Happy, but since his accident he thinks he reminds them more of Grumpy. He talked a lot about "before his accident" even though it was over 20 years ago.

I can only imagine what it would be like to have a working body that all of a sudden gets taken away from you. He said nothing happened to the man who ran over him, but instead of being bitter he seemed purely sad. I wonder if his brain was damaged in the accident too, how scary it would be to go from a wonderfully working mind, to speaking so slow that people will hardly have the patience to listen to you.

I'm grieved because I don't know the hope for this man. What do I pray for? Full recovery? Joy? Breaking of family curses? Where do I start? What is the absolute full picture that God would love to bring to his life? What does God want to do for him, and where does it start? Before sin
entered his life, who was he made to be?

I know that something about this man's simpleness, honesty, and brokeness was beautiful. This man was beautiful... and I really have the feeling he'll be okay.

Pray for him.