theories and what not

I don't know if I've written about this or not, but I actually think I haven't. Most people who read my blog already know that I applied and got accepted to staff at YWAM San Francisco. Right now I'm at home in Redding waiting until I can return. I have to raise support since YWAM is a non-profit organization. I need 155 more dollars a month to reach the minimum amount of support before I can go back. 200 more would probably be more ideal, but I guess whatever amount I receive is the amount that I need. (God knows)


I'm excited and anxious to get back but fortunately not over anxious. I know that I'll be back there in God's perfect timing, but I hope that His timing is soon!

I don't know how to say what I would like to say, or how to explain what I'm feeling.

I went to Ben and Ronda's wedding over this last weekend, (two other YWAM staff members) and it was really fun; a beautiful wedding. Over the past eight months of being involved with Youth With a Mission in San Francisco, but not being on staff yet, I've gotten to see the base and staff change a lot from a short distance; and really it has changed a lot. Going from DTS to SOS was a really great experience. Knowing what I'm about to be a part of makes me really happy. I'm excited about the change that's happened, and even more excited about the change that I'm going to get to be a part of.

I've been freed from a lot of insecurities over the last couple of months and I'm finding that the more freedom I experience, the more I'm able to love people. I LOVE loving people!! I feel like my broken heart is turning, and that the depth that was there because of broken pieces and hurt is being overcome with the depth of love and joy. It's really an incredible feeling. Sometimes I want to cry because I love so much. (sappy I know)

I've heard from a lot of people that going back on staff isn't what you expect. That it's harder at first and that it's lonely... but worth it at the same time and still incredible. I believe that this may be true, but I also think that even though it might be hard, right now no one can stop my joy or my love, because it's God given, unless I myself choose to forfeit it. There's a difference between Joy and Happiness. I like Dictionary.com's definition number 2 for joy: "a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated."

I love the word "appreciate" and what it really means (to me), is to recognize the worth of something. To recognize it so much so that the value actually increases because of how thankful or aware of it you are. If more people stopped to appreciate the little things in life... soon those little things would be valued as big things. I appreciate the word appreciate.

To be happy is to be happy over something "delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing" (dictionary.com) Joy is the state of being that you get caused by a source or a root. Joy is a feeling that lasts even when the situations around you are crap. Happiness depends on the situation. You can be in the worst situation, and you can still have joy.

So I know that life has trials, and that the world itself is sort of a "crap" situation. I know that I am a human and my understanding and grasp of joy depends on me. I know that there will be days where I am sad and lonely, that I will forget about this thing called joy, but I'm glad that there is this underlying factor. That beneath it all, my source and root for joy will never leave, it will always stay the same. That there's still a God and no matter how far away I am, or may seem, He's still within the distance of a reach.

I feel like I'm in this cycle of appreciation, joy, and love... I know that this is purely what God must be.


(I don't know if any of this makes any sense)