When I was younger I was molested. I don't remember it. I go back and forth with believing it or not, but somehow I know it happened, I've always known. I don't remember who did it, I don't remember when or how... I don't even remember how many people. I feel like it was a lot, but I don't really know. I know that I've asked God to remind me, but at the same time I never wanted to know.

I'll write down what I do remember.

I started masturbating when I was really young. I don't know how young though. If it was 4, or 6, or 8, but it was young. I've been doing it for as long as I can remember. My mom used to catch me and I would get in trouble, so I knew it was wrong, but I didn't know why. When I was 9 years old my mom sat me down and told me that what was happening to me was because when I was little a man named Raymond showed me his penis. When she said it I had a flash in my mind. I always thought that it had been a dream, but I had this very vague memory of a kid named Jeff showing me his penis. I think that when my mom told me this I even said "I thought that was Jeff?" and then with shock my mom said "Did Jeff do something to you?" Immediately I recoiled and assure her "I must be confused". Right now I feel like I don't really know if this event even happened, I figure that my mom would remember me saying that, but I don't think she does. My mom was going through a hard time then though. I think she has the tendency to block out things she doesn't want to see, or at least she used to. Maybe this event has even been a blocked out part of her memory. The vague dream is no longer a picture in my mind, but more of a thought with only words. But what eight year old dreams of a boy showing her his penis.

I have the same pictureless memory of Jeff threatening me. Telling me that if I told anyone, he would tell my grandma, and that she would hate me. He told me that his grandma already knew, and that she hated me. My whole past seems like a black hole. I don't like writing about it because I don't know how much of it is true, but I think it might all be.


I used to be scared at night. I would bury myself under pillows before I could fall sleep. I don't know why, or when it started, but I feel like it started when I went to Texas. I don't know what I was scared of. A man with a knife I think. I was pretty scared of men in general at that point. I always had this fear that my dad was secretly video taping me. I had a fear of my dad that only grew worse. Ah man, I don't know where it started, and sometimes I really don't want to know.

When I was 17 years old I found out that Jeff had molested my older brother. The Jeff that I had this vague dream of. I knew that it wasn't a dream anymore, I knew that it was a reality.

At some point, when I think I was 15, I freaked out because I wondered if my dad was the one who molested me. I don't know how it happened, but at 15 years old, I started packing pillows against me, and hiding against the wall before I could fall asleep again. I spent two weeks afraid of the dark, and then it started to go away again.

I remember sitting in the bath tub staring down at myself. I don't really know why this moment is significant but it stands out in my mind so much. I want to know what I was thinking but I can't remember. I think I was eight years old at the time.

2008

what

Theories on why people are gay: Because they were born that way. Because they choose to be that way. Because they were told they were their whole life and finally decided the other people must be right. Because of different circumstances that happen, that for some reason cause you to be attracted to the same sex, while you're growing and maturing.

You hear people say, "I knew it my whole life", but I wonder how many straight people wondered if they were gay throughout their lives. I look at my life, and it's there. The typical gay stuff, everything I hate about the "gay label". The tomboy, who never liked dresses or being girly. Who would rather play football at recess than hopscotch or jump rope. I hate it when people use those examples for why they knew they were gay. What does that have to do with liking girls? But why is it so common that all of those things are likely to end up next to an attraction to other girls. It's not because people told me that I was gay because I liked those things, no one did. No one ever put the gay label on me but somehow I still knew it was there.

I wonder when I started thinking about it or why. I can remember someone saying at one point that they wouldn't be surprised if I turned out gay, and that was in like 7th grade. I know that when I started hanging out with Trisha I felt like my mom was afraid that I might turn into a lesbian. Even at YWAM this last year, I felt Karol looking at me with wondering eyes... or maybe they were knowing eyes. I think I've been aware of it for a while, but haven't really ever cared about it. At some point I realized that I always comment when I see a pretty girl, and never a cute guy. That I always notice the girls before I notice the boys... not that I don't ever notice the boys. I can look back and see crushes that I had, but I wasn't aware of what they were when they were happening and it's strange.

I'm not gay. I won't call myself that. I think it's more complicated. I don't know if everyone is attracted to both genders, but right now I don't think so. It's so weird. If you take the whole sexuality thing apart, it's pretty much three sections, love, attraction, sex.

Sex is so strange. It's addictive, and powerful, but you don't even need another person to have it. Your body is made to enjoy being touched in different areas, so you can have sex with anything... and your body can enjoy it. You don't even need a boy or a girl.

Then there's love. I used to think that if I had a false sense of what love is, then I would probably think that I'm gay. Maybe I don't have any idea what love is though. I think because of the things that have happened to me, I feel a lot deeper than a lot of other people. I think that I can hurt a lot deeper, but that I can also love a lot deeper. Is love, and being in love different? Or is being in love just a deeper form of love. If that's true, can you be in love with anyone?

And attraction... you can be attracted to anything. Anyone can notice if a boy or a girl is hot, no matter what gender they are. But I guess it's more than just that. I heard someone talking about attraction one time, and I think they were saying that it's like that... but I think attraction involves a pull. A light that switches on in your head, a feeling that sparks in your heart, and the degrees can be different. So what if your degrees of attraction are stronger to the same sex than to the opposite. Then, it seems like... the only thing that is holding you to be gay, is the attraction.

I think gay's just a bullshit word we made up... I think that I'm attracted to girls more than guys and I don't know why. I think it happens out of circumstance, with things that happen while you're growing up. I believe that all things happen for a reason, so I wonder why these things happened. Why did I get molested? Why can't I remember what happened? How has starting to masturbate at the age of 5 affected me. Why do all of these things add up to an attraction to girls.

2008

agh

I want to love God more and I keep failing. To the point where I don't pray anymore. To the point where I'm just trying to get by and do good. To the point where I just feel like a failure and I can't take any criticism because it will just confirm how much I feel that I suck.

I want to love God more but I'm not and I'm choosing not to, and that's scary. And I don't really know what to do and the easy answer is "pray" and for some reason I can't get myself to do that. I can't get myself to open up my bible, or to turn to someone else in worship and say that I need help. I can't get myself to stop dragging my feet. I am so aware, SO AWARE, of how much I'm failing and the path that I'm headed down, and I can't get myself to change it. I'd rather write a blog than pray. I'd rather watch tv than think. I'd rather just not do it anymore.

2008

Is It Time For Me To Leave?

Just when I thought everything was getting better.... it wasn't.

I smoked pot this last weekend. If I told leadership that I did, then I would be fired. Without a doubt, fired. I don't feel guilt or shame, or maybe I do. I don't feel like smoking pot is the worst thing that you could do. I feel like I did something stupid, like I did something wrong. That I no longer have the right to be here. That I took away the factor that I should be here, and now I no longer should. So I can stay here if I decide to never tell them, but if I tell them that would be me choosing to leave. But by smoking did I already choose to leave? Am I already gone? Is it just a matter of time before this eats me alive and I confess? What did I do? I know that you mess up. That sin happens... but did this sin happen because I'm not supposed to be here anymore? Or am I supposed to be here and I just messed up.

Is one sin bigger than another? Is this something that I should let slide under the rug? I jay-walked today too. That's illegal also, but I don't think leadership would care if I told them. I don't feel like telling them I smoked. I don't feel like letting them decide if I have the right to stay here or not.

What is "leadership"? Who is "leadership"? Right now I feel like so much is going wrong that I don't understand. I just talked to my dad and he said it's funny because YWAM sets up my tax's that I'm an independent contractor, that means that I don't take any orders from anyone. That I'm the boss, that I don't have leadership. If I did have leadership I would be an employee. So this whole "leadership" thing is just an invisible line, or a lie. A legal lie.

Here at the base we use the basement next door even though legally we're not supposed to. We also use food bank food to feed our MA students and DTS, food that only supposed to be used for the homeless. We lie by omission, and I'm not saying that it's right, but I think that if I'm being held to the bases standards the base is pretty low.

2008

It's Okay to Be Honest

I've been thinking a lot lately, which is good. This blog is going to be random.

As I was walking home from church tonight the thought that came into my head was "In order to seek justice, you must first seek truth... there cannot be justice where there is not truth."

So what is truth? Truth is only decided by God, and nothing else. Scientists would say that truth would be things like the laws of motion, or things that are "absolutes", but God is above that, He can defy gravity, He is the only one who decides what it true.

I've been thinking a lot about homosexuality lately, I don't really know why. I've sort of decided that I won't ever know what the right answer is... and that has got me questioning more things about what I know about God. I decided that I don't think I can say I believe homosexuality is "wrong", but I can't yet say that I believe it's right. Is God a gray area God, or is He a black and white God? Because He created gray area people and He created black and white people. But in the bible I believe He left a lot of things in a gray area way. Why did He do that?

Today I was in the bathroom and I was wondering what Jesus would say if I said, "My friend is gay, is it okay for her to be gay?" and then I thought about all of the parables in the new testament, and about the one where He talks about sewing the seeds. (I think it's that one) It's a parable about parables, and about how the people who are ready to understand the parable will, and the people who aren't ready to understand won't... but we won't ever know which of those people we are, the ones who understand, or the ones that don't. I think that if I were to ask Jesus that question, He would tell me a parable.

I am so deep into thoughts about this, I can't even begin to explain them.

Romans 1:26-27 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. [27] In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.

I don't understand the wording of this, I don't understand it at all. "God gave them over to shameful lusts.... God GAVE THEM OVER TO..." what does that mean? Why would God do that? What does that mean?

1 Cor. 6:9-10 Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders [10] nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. [NIV]

Ok... to me when the bible says "inherit the kingdom of God" I don't know if it's talking about heaven, or if it's talking about God's kingdom here on earth. I kind of think that it's talking about God's kingdom here on earth, and that makes more sense to me. If God gives them over to their "lusts" then that means that Gods letting them put a shield up between Him and them... He's letting them do what they want, even though it might hurt them. If they "won't inherit the kingdom of God" then to me, that means that they won't know Him. They won't experience His blessings or His love. But still, what would be the point of that? It almost seems like God is saying that being gay is punishment for something else, not that being gay is punishable.

2008

blog post number 53

but I've only posted like 15.

So a while ago at the base we had a speaker who was like "We all know what love is" and Tia was like "What the heck, I don't know what love is." and someone else was said "Sure you do." But I was thinking the exact same thing... what the hell is love?

I think there's a million ways to explain love, after all God is love, and there's more than a million ways to explain God. So how can we really know "what love is".

uhh that's it for now

I'm Leaving...

I don't really know where to begin. I think I have some deep rooted issues. And on the outside I look fine, and day to day I'm fine but these things don't go away. And I either try and trick myself and say that they're not big, or I say that they're too big. It's a battle knowing if I need help and knowing if I'm over reacting. When I say "deep rooted issues" it make it sound huge, and that's not what I mean. I mean I have some issues that are really deep inside me... so deep that I could probably just keep going and not ever address the issues. Most people just keep going, but I know they're there and I want to fix them.

My heart is willing and ready... but the rest of me won't go.

So I'm leaving San Francisco. I'm checking out. I'm saying that I'm too weak to carry on, and that's okay. Sometimes being strong is admitting that you're weak. Because when you're weak and you take on false strength, you mislead people, you hurt people, including yourself, and that's not what I want to do. I'm admitting that I'm weak and I hate it. I really hate it, but I'm admitting it anyways.

I love San Francisco. I love the staff and I love the people on the outside of this brick bubble, and as much as I hate doing "homeless ministry" I love those people, and the stories they hold, and the weird things they do. I love them.

I came here and I'm not sure if it's because God wanted me to, or because I wanted to, but I know that God has used it. I know that when I first got here God really told me to love the people, not only the people on the streets but the ones inside this building. Especially the staff members, and that wasn't hard. I love them so much.

My time on staff has been good, and it's been hard. I've struggled through a lot, and failed more than I ever thought I would. In this time God has dug up a lot of deep rooted issues in me that I didn't know were there. He's allowed pain to surface that I didn't know I carried, and some of it's still going on. But through the pain I've found it easy to love the community, to love the people, to love my comfortable little room, but for many reasons, so very hard to love Him.

I've been scared to admit that I feel that I'm not supposed to be here. I've been scared this whole time to actually face that fact, because if I did face it and realize that I really wasn't supposed to be here, then I'd have to leave. But a couple months ago I decided it was really important to finally face God and ask Him what my purpose here is. I don't know if I actually faced Him, but I asked Him, and I didn't get an answer so I asked again, and again. Some time went by and I realized I was ready to face the bigger question. The question if I was really in the place that God wanted me to be. I was ready to take on the possibility that I might have to leave. As scared as I was, I was ready.

So I faced it, and I dug in and I questioned, and I cried and I cried... and I cried, and in the end, for many reasons, I realized that I have to leave. I realized that this is not the place for me anymore, and I admitted it. And now I'm leaving. And now I'm realizing even more that I have no idea where I'm going. I'm giving up all of the things that I love, because I can love all of those things without loving God. I'm realizing that I have tons of issues, or "tons of cracks in my keel", and that if my ship keeps sailing the way it's sailing it will sink. I'm leaving here with nothing to hold on to and that is so scary. I'm leaving here because I know that I need to love God and it's too easy not to with all these other things to love. And this is me, letting go, and jumping out.

This is me saying that He's now the only thing to hold onto, and this is me knowing that if I leave here and choose not to hold onto Him, my issues are going to bury me alive. This is me admitting that I'm scared. I'm scared because it's come to this point, but I believe that among many other reasons, this is one of the main reasons why I was here. To come to this point. I'm scared because I feel like I have nothing at this moment, and no idea what's going on. I'm scared because this hurts more than I want it too. This is the least in control I've ever been and probably the most I've ever let go of. But I know that this is what God is asking me to do.

I'm glad because I know that even though it feel so unnatural and hard, I'm in the right place. A speaker was talking about this today, and it became really clear to me. The keel is the bottom part of the ship that goes in the water and balances the ship out. It's the part under the ship that you can't see. If the keel has cracks in it the ship does not sail right, and eventually the cracks will break the bottom of the boat and the boat will sink.

I had this picture of me as a ship. My cracks were being mended, they were finally being fixed. I was finally able to sail freely, without using all of my might to keep the boat upright, and sailing meant being able to find my purpose. And it became clear that my purpose is in these cracks. That my purpose will be helping people with these same cracks and until they're fixed I won't find this purpose, I won't get to set sail.

I hope you know that I'm not leaving because I hate it here, or because it's too hard. I'm leaving because I know that God desires my heart more than I desire His. Because I know that there's so much to life, and I can only live it if I live it with Him.

So pray for me because I don't know if I can do it. Pray that I will grab onto the Lord. And thank you for being so amazing. Thank you for being so easy to love and teaching me so much.

Song to go with my blog... and my life

A voice is on the wind
It calls me further in
I’m heading deeper into Your heart
Your mark is on my chest
My sails filled with your breath
You guide me by the light of the sun

I’m sailing on a ship that’s bound for life
I wrestle with the wind against the tide
I'd leave it all behind to reach for more
I’m sailing on to Your golden shore, to Your golden shore

The skies go blue to grey
And I’m thrown from wave to wave
You still will hear these lungs singing hard
With every storm I face
I find a greater grace
That pulls me deeper into Your heart

I’m sailing on a ship that’s bound for life
I wrestle with the wind against the tide
I'd leave it all behind to reach for more
I’m sailing on to Your golden shore

I’m sailing on a ship that’s bound for life
I wrestle with the wind against the tide
I leave it all behind to reach for more
I’m sailing on to where the water’s running sweet and bright
The sun is rising in the eastern sky
I'd leave it all behind to reach for more
I’m sailing on to Your golden shore

Song by Phil Wickham... prophetic word from Teressa