Utter Confusion.... How will I leave this city?

I have begun to believe that I do not have the passion for the people of this city that I once had... what a complete and utter lie. Last night I was reminded of exactly the heart God has given me for these people.

Every week I do not want to go out on Wednesday nights for ministry, and every week I come back with a broken heart for someone I met that night. A piece of me is completely in love with them, and totally empathetic towards their situation. Every part of me mourns for them in a way I cannot explain. I've been praying for God's heart more, and a real love for people... I think this is something He is giving me. I think He is giving me His "father" heart.

No matter the age of these people, I want to be their mother. I want to help them grow, I want to show them love, I want to tuck them in at night, I want to show them that I really care. I want to really care.

This week I've become more and more confused about what I'm doing after DTS. I'm saddened by the fact that I didn't meet more people here, and that I didn't spend more time ministering. I wish I spent more time outside of the walls of this base. I wish ministry was completely my lifestyle. I wish I was more bold, fearless, more in tune with God, a better listener... a better follower of Him. Maybe outreach will put me more at this place... but I still wish I was already at this place.

I hate immaturity... Right now I feel completely immature in my relationship with Christ. Inadequate. But that doesn't make sense.

The person that reminded me of all of this last night was Rob.


So the story of Rob.

One night I met a boy named Rob. I didn't talk to him much... maybe not at all, but something about him captured me. He was young, too young to be on the streets, but not according to the government. A couple days later, on the way to In N Out, I sat down next to him on the bus, and introduced myself. He was really nice, but he asked me to tell everyone from YWAM to not talk to him when they see him on the streets. He said that the first time it happened it was really cool, and really emotional, but when he's out there now he's busy, he's working, and he doesn't want to be bothered. I told him that I understood and that I would tell them. After that he didn't stop talking to me though. He talked about how the bus driver sucked so bad and how he was pissed that none of them believed he was 18, which he wasn't, he was 19, but who cares right?

He told me he finally got a place to stay where he didn't have to give the guy sex to live there. FINALLY!!! The first time ever maybe? He said that the men always act sweet, like they're trying to do something nice, but then later try and take advantage of him. He said that it was really emotionally scarring. That it was hard enough that it was his job, he didn't want it to have to be everywhere. He complained about having to be a prostitute. How it's not fair that what should be fun for him is just completely screwed up because he's doing it for money. This 19 year old child sounded like he had no one to love on, and no one loving on him... again my heart broke for him.

Last night I saw him again for the first time since that bus ride. I waved and I smiled, I wanted to respect his wishes even though it slightly killed me. I walked by him, and I said "hi" wanting to say so much more. We walked down the street because it was time to go, and I felt a pull at my heart to give him the five dollars in my pocket. I was incredibly skeptical to give away money, but maybe this was what he needed. I looked up, and there he was, parallel to me on the other side of the street. He looked up, and started walking away back towards the corner. I headed towards him, and ran across the road, I approached him and said, "Hi, I know you asked us not to talk to you, but I wanted to give this to you." I reached into my pocket and pulled out the five. He leaped on me, hugging me and thanking me so much. His body was skinny and frail, he was about my height too, and I'm definitely not tall. He asked me what my name was again, and told me he was really thinking about coming to reach up. I gave him my rock that said "angel" and told to remember that he has a angels watching out for him, and I walked away.

We went back to debrief and Adam said that him and Erin had ran into Rob four times that night, but he really didn't want to talk. Frances had also seen him, and he told her not to talk to him. (I don't know if this was last night, or maybe just another night) I don't know if Rob will actually come to reach up, a lot of people say they will and never do. Maybe next time we see him it'll be different, maybe the five dollars opened up his heart in a new way. I leave in five days, and right now I really wish I could be here for two more months just to build a relationship with him. I wish I had more time.