Don't leave your laptop on the table...

...it will get stolen.


I'm at Joey's Laundromat again, quite possibly my favorite blogging spot.

That means that yes, I made it back to San Francisco, and before October like I had hoped also. (thank you so much to everyone who is supporting me) I've been here for about a week and a half now, and so it's time to wash some clothes.

It definitely doesn't seem like I've only been here for a little over a week though, it seems like I just didn't leave. The time I spent at my house seems forgotten now. 6 weeks past has disappeared. But really it hasn't. I didn't do much during those six weeks except for hang out with a few friends and my family. I spent most of my time at home; recovering, sleeping, which I needed. I love my family. The more I'm around them, the more I realize how blessed I am to have them.

I'm glad to be back in the city. It's been sort of hard the past few days, but in an okay way. I'm thankful because I haven't been lonely. People have been really cool and have been hanging out with me a lot, and then I savor my alone time. I like being able to do nothing but sit in my room for a couple hours and be comfortable before I go to sleep. Spiritually it's been kind of intense, and so emotionally it has been too. Realizing that there's a spiritually battle going on even inside of me, I don't really know why or what this means. I had an incredible And a battle, it is.

10/07/07

I'm not tired right now, I think it's because I didn't do very much today, and I slept in late.

I think I need to start off by saying that I'm back in San Francisco, and have been for about 3 weeks now. It's going really well. Due to lack of consistent blogging, I think that's all I'm going to say about the past three weeks, because there would be too much to write if I tried to explain everything that's happened.

I'm in a strange mood. Normally I have so many things to say when I sit down to blog that I get lost in thought and can't finish, (I have about 10 or more not posted incomplete blogs) but right now I can't think of anything.

I had some good thoughts earlier though, I wonder what they were.

10/15/07

Smith

I feel weird writing a blog about a person (not a real blog I'm not gonna publish this) but I guess this is something that I should remember.

I know that God places all people in our lives that are there for a reason, but I think there are some people He places in our lives for a more specific reason. I've always felt like Audrey is one of these people, even though I have no idea what the reason she's in my life is. I felt like this since I did MA which is weird. I knew she'd be in my life again. At that point I had absolutely no plans on ever doing a DTS or anything else with YWAM. Even though she suggested I do a DTS she's definitely not the one who persuaded me, but never the less, I ended up here, with her.

It's been interesting getting to know her. Hard actually. We don't really click, and I don't understand why. Seriously the best word to describe it is just "hard". I don't know if she feels the same way. I know I love her, I care about her, probably more than I care about a lot of people actually, but still there's something that stops me from being comfortable around her.

Fear of rejection I think. I don't know why it's so strong when I'm around her. There's this constant battle to show her that I love her, but guard my heart as well, and it doesn't work. I don't know how to get past it. I feel like she rejects me a lot, like I just can't get through.

Before I came back on staff I was asking God why I'm coming. I just felt like God said "to love them" love who? Staff specifically, but everyone. I also felt God specifically tell me to love Audrey, even if it hurts. Really it does hurt. I realized yesterday that I carry around this "I can't be offended" attitude and with most people it's true, but with her she can hurt me so easily. Then I must try and be hard or something so I react rudely back.

But then there have been times where I tell her that she makes me insecure. Wow, how humiliating that feels, but how true. I hate to be affected by her honestly. I hate trying to love her.

Yesterday I was frustrated. I get pissed off trying to love someone who I feel doesn't love me... and doesn't really care if I love them or not. I was battling it out with God in the shower. "why am I supposed to love her? what do I freaking do to love her?  how do I not hurt myself in the process? How do I break through walls? Am I supposed to break through walls? " In my head I was seriously thinking I can't put my heart on the line to be her friend... I can't keep trying... God I'm gonna give up unless something changes.

I got out of the shower, and sat down on my bed... ten minutes later Audrey skyped me and said "I'm depressed".

What? Is she actually telling me what's going on in her life?

I went over and talked to her. About random crap, not actually about being depressed, but it was good.

maybe I was just there, maybe I was her last resort, but it was enough for God to say "I still want you to love her"

I don't think it was a huge breakthrough in our relationship... I think it's a slow crack. I think it'll still be hard, I think I'll still be rejected... but I'm still learning what love is.

I'm not at all saying it's hard for me to love Audrey... it's easy for me to love Audrey... it's hard for me to show Audrey that I lover her... or to actually care about her because of fear of rejection.

10/25/07

Happy Thanksgiving!!

In two days I've officially been on staff at YWAM SF for two months!!! In three days I've officially been sick for three weeks! BLAH! I'm going to the doctor tomorrow though, so in three days I should not be sick anymore!

Today was Thanksgiving and today was really good!

Today we had Thanksgiving with around 60 people Some homeless, some not. There were eight turkeys (I think)! and all of them were different. I made a turkey last night for the first time ever, and my room mate Holli also baked one as well.

11/23/07

I haven't felt this confined in a long time. I hate lies... I hate not being able to be honest, not being able to be completely open. How annoying. How does anyone do it? How does anyone live with stuff hidden. I can't do it, I'm so sick of it. I don't know where to go from here, I don't know where to begin! ugghhhh

12/24/07

I have a habit of checking how much it would cost if I flew to London tomorrow. This time it would cost $1,240.

I also have a habit of looking at apartments I can't buy, and jobs I can't have. I don't really know why. I don't think I sit there and

1/1/08

I feel like I'm in an empty room with no escape. White walls, no doors, no windows. Just a box. Can you even begin to try and figure out how to get out of this?

12/31/07