Scientific research shows that Sexual Orientation can be affected by the amount of testosterone an infant is given in the womb. This explains gay stereo types; why lesbians as children identify more with the boys. They stay away from "girlish things", and so on. What's interesting is the fact that stereotypes of women and men are different in all countries. Although here men don't generally wear pink, or skirts and dresses, it is different in other cultures.
It wouldn't be a hormone that would attract a girl to wear boys clothes, but it would be a hormone that would make a girl relate to boys more easily.
I wonder how a girl given more testosterone in the womb would develop growing up in an environment secluded from men. But there is also the theory that a girl is more likely to be gay if she doesn't have a present loving father figure in her life.
Science also says that being given more testosterone in the womb, is a genetic malfunction. This malfunction is hereditary which makes it likely that other people in that family are also gay.
Here's the thing... Scientifically, and socially I find myself falling under every stereotype of a gay girl. This is something I've tried to avoid, no one wants to be a stereo type. No one wants to admit that who they are is designed, or even predicted by, their surroundings. None the less, I unfortunately do carry most stereotypes of a lesbian, whether they be "scientific, or religious guesses", and... drum role please.... I am attracted to girls.
As a kid I loved football, and hanging out with the boys. I wanted to pee standing up, I wanted to dress like a boy, but my mom wouldn't let me. I wanted to be best friends with the boys, all the way until high school.
(this doesn't make someone gay though does it? no it doesn't. but a lot of lesbians will relate to this fact as well)
My dad was never present, and I was very close to my mom. I didn't even like my dad until I was in high school. Now I love him, but I still find it hard to trust him; I find it hard to trust most men. (This doesn't make me gay does it? no. But most religious people will try to tell me this is why I like girls. Not based at all by science, or actual facts... but people still try to use it.)
I was molested as a child. Not that I remember it at all, but I'm pretty sure that it happened.
(This doesn't make me gay does it? no. lots of people who are molested as children turn out straight)
I had two brothers, and I came after 4 miscarriages. I was born after faulty prenatal vitamins, that contained who knows what. (no.... lots of people have brothers, AND miscarriages, right?)
My mom struggled with her own sexuality. Wondering if she was gay or not. She had several crushes on women, and at one point believed she would never be satisfied by a man. (This doesn't make me gay does it? no. it makes my mom gay. hah, but science says that yes, if someone else in my family has homosexual tendencies, I am more likely to have homosexual tendencies)
I've spent the last year wondering why people are gay. Something that a lot of people like to do. Christians especially like to try to figure out why people are gay. Most try to figure out a way to blame someone for being "a pervert" and what I've realized is that I fall under every stereotype that might make me gay. All of them might contribute to the fact, one of them might contribute, none of them might contribute. Without being able to truly pinpoint anything, what matters isn't why I'm attracted to girls, it's simply the fact that I am attracted to girls.
What does this mean? What does this mean for me alone? What does this mean for me, and everyone else? (Yes, this does affect my relationship with everyone else, especially Christians, and homosexuals) And most importantly, what does this mean for me and God? None of these things I've figured out yet. What's hardest is that I don't have patience. I feel like this is something that hugely influences my life. How I choose to handle it, defines who I am, and the affect that I will have on this world.
What I'm afraid of. I'm afraid that the girls that I'm attracted to will blame me, and won't want to be my friends. Even though I would NEVER act out those feelings on one of them. I'm afraid that the Christian community will suddenly find it to be their responsibility to hold me accountable; judging every relationship I have with a female, and deciding what parts of my life are "perverted". Giving me advice to lose parts of myself, that I don't feel like I'm supposed to lose. I'm afraid that I will handle this wrong. Either by completely denying it and trying to be straight, or by completely accepting it, and not letting "gender" get in the way. Honestly, I don't know which one God prefers for me. I believe that this is one of those issues in the "keel" of my ship. That God is calling me to share his love, by being able to relate to people who have the same issues. I'm afraid that I will lose myself to shame. That I won't be honest enough, that I will be afraid of what people think. I'm afraid that shame will be forced on me, and I'm not quite sure how to fight that shame.
10/4/08
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Gay moments...
When I kissed Lydia on the head, her reaction told me that it wasn't normal, so I shrank back into my shell. -1st grade
Truth or dare in 3rd grade, kissing a girl on the lips. I don't remember who it was. I think it was Gabby's cousin or something, it was in Gabby's back yard on the trampoline. I wanted to kiss her though, but I had to pretend that I was grossed out because everyone else did.
In general, just thinking that I wanted to kiss girls.
9th or 10th grade. When I was at a restaurant and this woman with a really cute hair cut was talking to me. Her hair was short, and I wanted to cut my hair short. She was joking around, and I really thought she was cool. After we left my mom said "I wanted to tell that lady to stop flirting with my daughter" I thought, "was she really flirting with me? was I flirting back with her?" I wanted to go back to talk to her, but I was self conscious that other people had noticed that I was interested.
When I realized that I always notice hot girls, and make comments on them. Finally I got a look from someone after my third comment (of the day) on a girl. I realized... "shit, I make too many comments about girls. I'm not normal." (But I still wasn't gay)
10/4/08
When I kissed Lydia on the head, her reaction told me that it wasn't normal, so I shrank back into my shell. -1st grade
Truth or dare in 3rd grade, kissing a girl on the lips. I don't remember who it was. I think it was Gabby's cousin or something, it was in Gabby's back yard on the trampoline. I wanted to kiss her though, but I had to pretend that I was grossed out because everyone else did.
In general, just thinking that I wanted to kiss girls.
9th or 10th grade. When I was at a restaurant and this woman with a really cute hair cut was talking to me. Her hair was short, and I wanted to cut my hair short. She was joking around, and I really thought she was cool. After we left my mom said "I wanted to tell that lady to stop flirting with my daughter" I thought, "was she really flirting with me? was I flirting back with her?" I wanted to go back to talk to her, but I was self conscious that other people had noticed that I was interested.
When I realized that I always notice hot girls, and make comments on them. Finally I got a look from someone after my third comment (of the day) on a girl. I realized... "shit, I make too many comments about girls. I'm not normal." (But I still wasn't gay)
10/4/08
Boys are not appealing to me. Talking to them, dating them... doesn't sound so fun. They are cute sometimes. The initial wondering is always there, and then it fades away.
But I don't really want to be gay. I don't want to come out, I don't want to figure out if it's right or wrong, and yet I feel like I'm supposed to. I'm worried. How do I tell people it's okay to love who they love, when I won't love who I love.
Does everything happen for a reason?
09/08
But I don't really want to be gay. I don't want to come out, I don't want to figure out if it's right or wrong, and yet I feel like I'm supposed to. I'm worried. How do I tell people it's okay to love who they love, when I won't love who I love.
Does everything happen for a reason?
09/08
not going to post this probably
I have lost sight of God in so many ways. I have forgotten what His voice sounds like, I don't really know when the last time I heard it was. I forgot what it's like to love Him. To be passionate and excited. To mourn after the people that live the cold life away from Him. I have leaned more and more towards being one of those people. That's an exaggeration, but I'm feeling too deeply right now to separate truth, and emotions.
Oh God. I feel like I constantly face this wall that I cannot crack. That I can only break down piece by piece, and no matter how small it gets, it's still something I trip over when I turn to seek after God. Right now this wall seems massive though, completely rebuilt, and blocking my view.
I know, I know, I know that God is there. That He is amazing, that He is just and that He loves me, but oh I cannot feel it, and His absence hurts so badly. The numbness I feel towards Him is so irritating. And all I have right now is discipline, is seeking after Him even in the darkest hour, even when I cannot feel Him and that seems too hard. Praying seems too hard.
Right now I feel like I have lost my concept of friends. I ache for a friend. I talk to my mom more about things than anyone else. Which is good, my mom is amazing, but I wish that I was more appreciated. That I had people around me who love who I am, and want to be around me.
2008
Oh God. I feel like I constantly face this wall that I cannot crack. That I can only break down piece by piece, and no matter how small it gets, it's still something I trip over when I turn to seek after God. Right now this wall seems massive though, completely rebuilt, and blocking my view.
I know, I know, I know that God is there. That He is amazing, that He is just and that He loves me, but oh I cannot feel it, and His absence hurts so badly. The numbness I feel towards Him is so irritating. And all I have right now is discipline, is seeking after Him even in the darkest hour, even when I cannot feel Him and that seems too hard. Praying seems too hard.
Right now I feel like I have lost my concept of friends. I ache for a friend. I talk to my mom more about things than anyone else. Which is good, my mom is amazing, but I wish that I was more appreciated. That I had people around me who love who I am, and want to be around me.
2008
Gay
Romans 1:26-27 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. [27] In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.
I've thought a lot about this, and I have so many questions. I wish that I could sit in front of Jesus and listen to him speak to me about how much he loves. I wish I knew his heart. I don't understand the verse above, because it says so many things. "God gave them over to shameful lust". What does "gave them over to" mean? Was being gay the punishment? Or was it the shame from being gay? What if God didn't "give them over to" that lust? Was it God's intent for gay people to feel shame? Why?
Why are people gay in the first place? Why is it a sin? It says in a different place in the bible that people who are homosexual will not inherit the kingdom of God, so what exactly is "the kingdom of God"? Are we talking about heaven, or are we talking about the kingdom here on earth? Christians like to hold up signs saying that gay people are going to hell, but the verse above says that they "received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion." The due penalty, the exact and complete penalty that they "deserve", they received in themselves. So what is this penalty? I assume that the penalty is shame, because the verse says "shameful lust", but maybe I'm wrong. I also assume that God isn't talking about hell when he's talking about the penalty they receive, because he's talking about the penalty being in themselves. Unless God is talking about the soul of course, but for some reason I feel like he's talking about the heart, and the guilt it faces.
By saying that they receive the due penalty for their perversion, He's also saying that the don't need to be penalized anymore. They don't need those picket signs, they don't need to be spat on.
The church says that they disagree with the sin, they fight against gay marriage, they do everything to make sure that it's clear that they disapprove, and why? In so many ways gay people are the people that God calls us to love the most.
So often they are the most hurt, the most in pain, the most rejected and the most unwanted. They're the ones who were sinned against as children, who grew up feeling different. And when they finally felt like they were comfortable with "who they are", and gained the courage to come out of the closet, they only experienced more hurt and more rejection. The church has called them perverts because of the verse above. They've told them that they're living in sin, and that they're going to go to hell and I just can't wrap my mind around that.
What about the two year old that was molested? Who's sexual doors were opened way too young, so he grew and developed differently. And when he was 10 years old and started to like boys instead of girls, he was confused because those feelings were the only ones he knew.
Why does that 10 year old boy start to like other boys? Because I guarantee at that point, it's not a choice. And why did all of those things that led to this point happen?
I'm not saying that all people who are molested turn out to be gay, and I'm not saying that all people who are gay were molested. I don't think that it's all genetics either, but I don't disagree that some people may be born that way. I don't really know why people are gay, but I know that there can be many different reasons.
The fact is that people are gay. That people are attracted to the same sex, whether it be by birth, or circumstance, or choice, and it's not going to go away. So what is our response, as Christians, going to be?
2008
I've thought a lot about this, and I have so many questions. I wish that I could sit in front of Jesus and listen to him speak to me about how much he loves. I wish I knew his heart. I don't understand the verse above, because it says so many things. "God gave them over to shameful lust". What does "gave them over to" mean? Was being gay the punishment? Or was it the shame from being gay? What if God didn't "give them over to" that lust? Was it God's intent for gay people to feel shame? Why?
Why are people gay in the first place? Why is it a sin? It says in a different place in the bible that people who are homosexual will not inherit the kingdom of God, so what exactly is "the kingdom of God"? Are we talking about heaven, or are we talking about the kingdom here on earth? Christians like to hold up signs saying that gay people are going to hell, but the verse above says that they "received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion." The due penalty, the exact and complete penalty that they "deserve", they received in themselves. So what is this penalty? I assume that the penalty is shame, because the verse says "shameful lust", but maybe I'm wrong. I also assume that God isn't talking about hell when he's talking about the penalty they receive, because he's talking about the penalty being in themselves. Unless God is talking about the soul of course, but for some reason I feel like he's talking about the heart, and the guilt it faces.
By saying that they receive the due penalty for their perversion, He's also saying that the don't need to be penalized anymore. They don't need those picket signs, they don't need to be spat on.
The church says that they disagree with the sin, they fight against gay marriage, they do everything to make sure that it's clear that they disapprove, and why? In so many ways gay people are the people that God calls us to love the most.
So often they are the most hurt, the most in pain, the most rejected and the most unwanted. They're the ones who were sinned against as children, who grew up feeling different. And when they finally felt like they were comfortable with "who they are", and gained the courage to come out of the closet, they only experienced more hurt and more rejection. The church has called them perverts because of the verse above. They've told them that they're living in sin, and that they're going to go to hell and I just can't wrap my mind around that.
What about the two year old that was molested? Who's sexual doors were opened way too young, so he grew and developed differently. And when he was 10 years old and started to like boys instead of girls, he was confused because those feelings were the only ones he knew.
Why does that 10 year old boy start to like other boys? Because I guarantee at that point, it's not a choice. And why did all of those things that led to this point happen?
I'm not saying that all people who are molested turn out to be gay, and I'm not saying that all people who are gay were molested. I don't think that it's all genetics either, but I don't disagree that some people may be born that way. I don't really know why people are gay, but I know that there can be many different reasons.
The fact is that people are gay. That people are attracted to the same sex, whether it be by birth, or circumstance, or choice, and it's not going to go away. So what is our response, as Christians, going to be?
2008
When I was younger I was molested. I don't remember it. I go back and forth with believing it or not, but somehow I know it happened, I've always known. I don't remember who did it, I don't remember when or how... I don't even remember how many people. I feel like it was a lot, but I don't really know. I know that I've asked God to remind me, but at the same time I never wanted to know.
I'll write down what I do remember.
I started masturbating when I was really young. I don't know how young though. If it was 4, or 6, or 8, but it was young. I've been doing it for as long as I can remember. My mom used to catch me and I would get in trouble, so I knew it was wrong, but I didn't know why. When I was 9 years old my mom sat me down and told me that what was happening to me was because when I was little a man named Raymond showed me his penis. When she said it I had a flash in my mind. I always thought that it had been a dream, but I had this very vague memory of a kid named Jeff showing me his penis. I think that when my mom told me this I even said "I thought that was Jeff?" and then with shock my mom said "Did Jeff do something to you?" Immediately I recoiled and assure her "I must be confused". Right now I feel like I don't really know if this event even happened, I figure that my mom would remember me saying that, but I don't think she does. My mom was going through a hard time then though. I think she has the tendency to block out things she doesn't want to see, or at least she used to. Maybe this event has even been a blocked out part of her memory. The vague dream is no longer a picture in my mind, but more of a thought with only words. But what eight year old dreams of a boy showing her his penis.
I have the same pictureless memory of Jeff threatening me. Telling me that if I told anyone, he would tell my grandma, and that she would hate me. He told me that his grandma already knew, and that she hated me. My whole past seems like a black hole. I don't like writing about it because I don't know how much of it is true, but I think it might all be.
I used to be scared at night. I would bury myself under pillows before I could fall sleep. I don't know why, or when it started, but I feel like it started when I went to Texas. I don't know what I was scared of. A man with a knife I think. I was pretty scared of men in general at that point. I always had this fear that my dad was secretly video taping me. I had a fear of my dad that only grew worse. Ah man, I don't know where it started, and sometimes I really don't want to know.
When I was 17 years old I found out that Jeff had molested my older brother. The Jeff that I had this vague dream of. I knew that it wasn't a dream anymore, I knew that it was a reality.
At some point, when I think I was 15, I freaked out because I wondered if my dad was the one who molested me. I don't know how it happened, but at 15 years old, I started packing pillows against me, and hiding against the wall before I could fall asleep again. I spent two weeks afraid of the dark, and then it started to go away again.
I remember sitting in the bath tub staring down at myself. I don't really know why this moment is significant but it stands out in my mind so much. I want to know what I was thinking but I can't remember. I think I was eight years old at the time.
2008
I'll write down what I do remember.
I started masturbating when I was really young. I don't know how young though. If it was 4, or 6, or 8, but it was young. I've been doing it for as long as I can remember. My mom used to catch me and I would get in trouble, so I knew it was wrong, but I didn't know why. When I was 9 years old my mom sat me down and told me that what was happening to me was because when I was little a man named Raymond showed me his penis. When she said it I had a flash in my mind. I always thought that it had been a dream, but I had this very vague memory of a kid named Jeff showing me his penis. I think that when my mom told me this I even said "I thought that was Jeff?" and then with shock my mom said "Did Jeff do something to you?" Immediately I recoiled and assure her "I must be confused". Right now I feel like I don't really know if this event even happened, I figure that my mom would remember me saying that, but I don't think she does. My mom was going through a hard time then though. I think she has the tendency to block out things she doesn't want to see, or at least she used to. Maybe this event has even been a blocked out part of her memory. The vague dream is no longer a picture in my mind, but more of a thought with only words. But what eight year old dreams of a boy showing her his penis.
I have the same pictureless memory of Jeff threatening me. Telling me that if I told anyone, he would tell my grandma, and that she would hate me. He told me that his grandma already knew, and that she hated me. My whole past seems like a black hole. I don't like writing about it because I don't know how much of it is true, but I think it might all be.
I used to be scared at night. I would bury myself under pillows before I could fall sleep. I don't know why, or when it started, but I feel like it started when I went to Texas. I don't know what I was scared of. A man with a knife I think. I was pretty scared of men in general at that point. I always had this fear that my dad was secretly video taping me. I had a fear of my dad that only grew worse. Ah man, I don't know where it started, and sometimes I really don't want to know.
When I was 17 years old I found out that Jeff had molested my older brother. The Jeff that I had this vague dream of. I knew that it wasn't a dream anymore, I knew that it was a reality.
At some point, when I think I was 15, I freaked out because I wondered if my dad was the one who molested me. I don't know how it happened, but at 15 years old, I started packing pillows against me, and hiding against the wall before I could fall asleep again. I spent two weeks afraid of the dark, and then it started to go away again.
I remember sitting in the bath tub staring down at myself. I don't really know why this moment is significant but it stands out in my mind so much. I want to know what I was thinking but I can't remember. I think I was eight years old at the time.
2008
what
Theories on why people are gay: Because they were born that way. Because they choose to be that way. Because they were told they were their whole life and finally decided the other people must be right. Because of different circumstances that happen, that for some reason cause you to be attracted to the same sex, while you're growing and maturing.
You hear people say, "I knew it my whole life", but I wonder how many straight people wondered if they were gay throughout their lives. I look at my life, and it's there. The typical gay stuff, everything I hate about the "gay label". The tomboy, who never liked dresses or being girly. Who would rather play football at recess than hopscotch or jump rope. I hate it when people use those examples for why they knew they were gay. What does that have to do with liking girls? But why is it so common that all of those things are likely to end up next to an attraction to other girls. It's not because people told me that I was gay because I liked those things, no one did. No one ever put the gay label on me but somehow I still knew it was there.
I wonder when I started thinking about it or why. I can remember someone saying at one point that they wouldn't be surprised if I turned out gay, and that was in like 7th grade. I know that when I started hanging out with Trisha I felt like my mom was afraid that I might turn into a lesbian. Even at YWAM this last year, I felt Karol looking at me with wondering eyes... or maybe they were knowing eyes. I think I've been aware of it for a while, but haven't really ever cared about it. At some point I realized that I always comment when I see a pretty girl, and never a cute guy. That I always notice the girls before I notice the boys... not that I don't ever notice the boys. I can look back and see crushes that I had, but I wasn't aware of what they were when they were happening and it's strange.
I'm not gay. I won't call myself that. I think it's more complicated. I don't know if everyone is attracted to both genders, but right now I don't think so. It's so weird. If you take the whole sexuality thing apart, it's pretty much three sections, love, attraction, sex.
Sex is so strange. It's addictive, and powerful, but you don't even need another person to have it. Your body is made to enjoy being touched in different areas, so you can have sex with anything... and your body can enjoy it. You don't even need a boy or a girl.
Then there's love. I used to think that if I had a false sense of what love is, then I would probably think that I'm gay. Maybe I don't have any idea what love is though. I think because of the things that have happened to me, I feel a lot deeper than a lot of other people. I think that I can hurt a lot deeper, but that I can also love a lot deeper. Is love, and being in love different? Or is being in love just a deeper form of love. If that's true, can you be in love with anyone?
And attraction... you can be attracted to anything. Anyone can notice if a boy or a girl is hot, no matter what gender they are. But I guess it's more than just that. I heard someone talking about attraction one time, and I think they were saying that it's like that... but I think attraction involves a pull. A light that switches on in your head, a feeling that sparks in your heart, and the degrees can be different. So what if your degrees of attraction are stronger to the same sex than to the opposite. Then, it seems like... the only thing that is holding you to be gay, is the attraction.
I think gay's just a bullshit word we made up... I think that I'm attracted to girls more than guys and I don't know why. I think it happens out of circumstance, with things that happen while you're growing up. I believe that all things happen for a reason, so I wonder why these things happened. Why did I get molested? Why can't I remember what happened? How has starting to masturbate at the age of 5 affected me. Why do all of these things add up to an attraction to girls.
2008
You hear people say, "I knew it my whole life", but I wonder how many straight people wondered if they were gay throughout their lives. I look at my life, and it's there. The typical gay stuff, everything I hate about the "gay label". The tomboy, who never liked dresses or being girly. Who would rather play football at recess than hopscotch or jump rope. I hate it when people use those examples for why they knew they were gay. What does that have to do with liking girls? But why is it so common that all of those things are likely to end up next to an attraction to other girls. It's not because people told me that I was gay because I liked those things, no one did. No one ever put the gay label on me but somehow I still knew it was there.
I wonder when I started thinking about it or why. I can remember someone saying at one point that they wouldn't be surprised if I turned out gay, and that was in like 7th grade. I know that when I started hanging out with Trisha I felt like my mom was afraid that I might turn into a lesbian. Even at YWAM this last year, I felt Karol looking at me with wondering eyes... or maybe they were knowing eyes. I think I've been aware of it for a while, but haven't really ever cared about it. At some point I realized that I always comment when I see a pretty girl, and never a cute guy. That I always notice the girls before I notice the boys... not that I don't ever notice the boys. I can look back and see crushes that I had, but I wasn't aware of what they were when they were happening and it's strange.
I'm not gay. I won't call myself that. I think it's more complicated. I don't know if everyone is attracted to both genders, but right now I don't think so. It's so weird. If you take the whole sexuality thing apart, it's pretty much three sections, love, attraction, sex.
Sex is so strange. It's addictive, and powerful, but you don't even need another person to have it. Your body is made to enjoy being touched in different areas, so you can have sex with anything... and your body can enjoy it. You don't even need a boy or a girl.
Then there's love. I used to think that if I had a false sense of what love is, then I would probably think that I'm gay. Maybe I don't have any idea what love is though. I think because of the things that have happened to me, I feel a lot deeper than a lot of other people. I think that I can hurt a lot deeper, but that I can also love a lot deeper. Is love, and being in love different? Or is being in love just a deeper form of love. If that's true, can you be in love with anyone?
And attraction... you can be attracted to anything. Anyone can notice if a boy or a girl is hot, no matter what gender they are. But I guess it's more than just that. I heard someone talking about attraction one time, and I think they were saying that it's like that... but I think attraction involves a pull. A light that switches on in your head, a feeling that sparks in your heart, and the degrees can be different. So what if your degrees of attraction are stronger to the same sex than to the opposite. Then, it seems like... the only thing that is holding you to be gay, is the attraction.
I think gay's just a bullshit word we made up... I think that I'm attracted to girls more than guys and I don't know why. I think it happens out of circumstance, with things that happen while you're growing up. I believe that all things happen for a reason, so I wonder why these things happened. Why did I get molested? Why can't I remember what happened? How has starting to masturbate at the age of 5 affected me. Why do all of these things add up to an attraction to girls.
2008
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