agh

I want to love God more and I keep failing. To the point where I don't pray anymore. To the point where I'm just trying to get by and do good. To the point where I just feel like a failure and I can't take any criticism because it will just confirm how much I feel that I suck.

I want to love God more but I'm not and I'm choosing not to, and that's scary. And I don't really know what to do and the easy answer is "pray" and for some reason I can't get myself to do that. I can't get myself to open up my bible, or to turn to someone else in worship and say that I need help. I can't get myself to stop dragging my feet. I am so aware, SO AWARE, of how much I'm failing and the path that I'm headed down, and I can't get myself to change it. I'd rather write a blog than pray. I'd rather watch tv than think. I'd rather just not do it anymore.

2008

Is It Time For Me To Leave?

Just when I thought everything was getting better.... it wasn't.

I smoked pot this last weekend. If I told leadership that I did, then I would be fired. Without a doubt, fired. I don't feel guilt or shame, or maybe I do. I don't feel like smoking pot is the worst thing that you could do. I feel like I did something stupid, like I did something wrong. That I no longer have the right to be here. That I took away the factor that I should be here, and now I no longer should. So I can stay here if I decide to never tell them, but if I tell them that would be me choosing to leave. But by smoking did I already choose to leave? Am I already gone? Is it just a matter of time before this eats me alive and I confess? What did I do? I know that you mess up. That sin happens... but did this sin happen because I'm not supposed to be here anymore? Or am I supposed to be here and I just messed up.

Is one sin bigger than another? Is this something that I should let slide under the rug? I jay-walked today too. That's illegal also, but I don't think leadership would care if I told them. I don't feel like telling them I smoked. I don't feel like letting them decide if I have the right to stay here or not.

What is "leadership"? Who is "leadership"? Right now I feel like so much is going wrong that I don't understand. I just talked to my dad and he said it's funny because YWAM sets up my tax's that I'm an independent contractor, that means that I don't take any orders from anyone. That I'm the boss, that I don't have leadership. If I did have leadership I would be an employee. So this whole "leadership" thing is just an invisible line, or a lie. A legal lie.

Here at the base we use the basement next door even though legally we're not supposed to. We also use food bank food to feed our MA students and DTS, food that only supposed to be used for the homeless. We lie by omission, and I'm not saying that it's right, but I think that if I'm being held to the bases standards the base is pretty low.

2008

It's Okay to Be Honest

I've been thinking a lot lately, which is good. This blog is going to be random.

As I was walking home from church tonight the thought that came into my head was "In order to seek justice, you must first seek truth... there cannot be justice where there is not truth."

So what is truth? Truth is only decided by God, and nothing else. Scientists would say that truth would be things like the laws of motion, or things that are "absolutes", but God is above that, He can defy gravity, He is the only one who decides what it true.

I've been thinking a lot about homosexuality lately, I don't really know why. I've sort of decided that I won't ever know what the right answer is... and that has got me questioning more things about what I know about God. I decided that I don't think I can say I believe homosexuality is "wrong", but I can't yet say that I believe it's right. Is God a gray area God, or is He a black and white God? Because He created gray area people and He created black and white people. But in the bible I believe He left a lot of things in a gray area way. Why did He do that?

Today I was in the bathroom and I was wondering what Jesus would say if I said, "My friend is gay, is it okay for her to be gay?" and then I thought about all of the parables in the new testament, and about the one where He talks about sewing the seeds. (I think it's that one) It's a parable about parables, and about how the people who are ready to understand the parable will, and the people who aren't ready to understand won't... but we won't ever know which of those people we are, the ones who understand, or the ones that don't. I think that if I were to ask Jesus that question, He would tell me a parable.

I am so deep into thoughts about this, I can't even begin to explain them.

Romans 1:26-27 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. [27] In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.

I don't understand the wording of this, I don't understand it at all. "God gave them over to shameful lusts.... God GAVE THEM OVER TO..." what does that mean? Why would God do that? What does that mean?

1 Cor. 6:9-10 Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders [10] nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. [NIV]

Ok... to me when the bible says "inherit the kingdom of God" I don't know if it's talking about heaven, or if it's talking about God's kingdom here on earth. I kind of think that it's talking about God's kingdom here on earth, and that makes more sense to me. If God gives them over to their "lusts" then that means that Gods letting them put a shield up between Him and them... He's letting them do what they want, even though it might hurt them. If they "won't inherit the kingdom of God" then to me, that means that they won't know Him. They won't experience His blessings or His love. But still, what would be the point of that? It almost seems like God is saying that being gay is punishment for something else, not that being gay is punishable.

2008

blog post number 53

but I've only posted like 15.

So a while ago at the base we had a speaker who was like "We all know what love is" and Tia was like "What the heck, I don't know what love is." and someone else was said "Sure you do." But I was thinking the exact same thing... what the hell is love?

I think there's a million ways to explain love, after all God is love, and there's more than a million ways to explain God. So how can we really know "what love is".

uhh that's it for now

I'm Leaving...

I don't really know where to begin. I think I have some deep rooted issues. And on the outside I look fine, and day to day I'm fine but these things don't go away. And I either try and trick myself and say that they're not big, or I say that they're too big. It's a battle knowing if I need help and knowing if I'm over reacting. When I say "deep rooted issues" it make it sound huge, and that's not what I mean. I mean I have some issues that are really deep inside me... so deep that I could probably just keep going and not ever address the issues. Most people just keep going, but I know they're there and I want to fix them.

My heart is willing and ready... but the rest of me won't go.

So I'm leaving San Francisco. I'm checking out. I'm saying that I'm too weak to carry on, and that's okay. Sometimes being strong is admitting that you're weak. Because when you're weak and you take on false strength, you mislead people, you hurt people, including yourself, and that's not what I want to do. I'm admitting that I'm weak and I hate it. I really hate it, but I'm admitting it anyways.

I love San Francisco. I love the staff and I love the people on the outside of this brick bubble, and as much as I hate doing "homeless ministry" I love those people, and the stories they hold, and the weird things they do. I love them.

I came here and I'm not sure if it's because God wanted me to, or because I wanted to, but I know that God has used it. I know that when I first got here God really told me to love the people, not only the people on the streets but the ones inside this building. Especially the staff members, and that wasn't hard. I love them so much.

My time on staff has been good, and it's been hard. I've struggled through a lot, and failed more than I ever thought I would. In this time God has dug up a lot of deep rooted issues in me that I didn't know were there. He's allowed pain to surface that I didn't know I carried, and some of it's still going on. But through the pain I've found it easy to love the community, to love the people, to love my comfortable little room, but for many reasons, so very hard to love Him.

I've been scared to admit that I feel that I'm not supposed to be here. I've been scared this whole time to actually face that fact, because if I did face it and realize that I really wasn't supposed to be here, then I'd have to leave. But a couple months ago I decided it was really important to finally face God and ask Him what my purpose here is. I don't know if I actually faced Him, but I asked Him, and I didn't get an answer so I asked again, and again. Some time went by and I realized I was ready to face the bigger question. The question if I was really in the place that God wanted me to be. I was ready to take on the possibility that I might have to leave. As scared as I was, I was ready.

So I faced it, and I dug in and I questioned, and I cried and I cried... and I cried, and in the end, for many reasons, I realized that I have to leave. I realized that this is not the place for me anymore, and I admitted it. And now I'm leaving. And now I'm realizing even more that I have no idea where I'm going. I'm giving up all of the things that I love, because I can love all of those things without loving God. I'm realizing that I have tons of issues, or "tons of cracks in my keel", and that if my ship keeps sailing the way it's sailing it will sink. I'm leaving here with nothing to hold on to and that is so scary. I'm leaving here because I know that I need to love God and it's too easy not to with all these other things to love. And this is me, letting go, and jumping out.

This is me saying that He's now the only thing to hold onto, and this is me knowing that if I leave here and choose not to hold onto Him, my issues are going to bury me alive. This is me admitting that I'm scared. I'm scared because it's come to this point, but I believe that among many other reasons, this is one of the main reasons why I was here. To come to this point. I'm scared because I feel like I have nothing at this moment, and no idea what's going on. I'm scared because this hurts more than I want it too. This is the least in control I've ever been and probably the most I've ever let go of. But I know that this is what God is asking me to do.

I'm glad because I know that even though it feel so unnatural and hard, I'm in the right place. A speaker was talking about this today, and it became really clear to me. The keel is the bottom part of the ship that goes in the water and balances the ship out. It's the part under the ship that you can't see. If the keel has cracks in it the ship does not sail right, and eventually the cracks will break the bottom of the boat and the boat will sink.

I had this picture of me as a ship. My cracks were being mended, they were finally being fixed. I was finally able to sail freely, without using all of my might to keep the boat upright, and sailing meant being able to find my purpose. And it became clear that my purpose is in these cracks. That my purpose will be helping people with these same cracks and until they're fixed I won't find this purpose, I won't get to set sail.

I hope you know that I'm not leaving because I hate it here, or because it's too hard. I'm leaving because I know that God desires my heart more than I desire His. Because I know that there's so much to life, and I can only live it if I live it with Him.

So pray for me because I don't know if I can do it. Pray that I will grab onto the Lord. And thank you for being so amazing. Thank you for being so easy to love and teaching me so much.

Song to go with my blog... and my life

A voice is on the wind
It calls me further in
I’m heading deeper into Your heart
Your mark is on my chest
My sails filled with your breath
You guide me by the light of the sun

I’m sailing on a ship that’s bound for life
I wrestle with the wind against the tide
I'd leave it all behind to reach for more
I’m sailing on to Your golden shore, to Your golden shore

The skies go blue to grey
And I’m thrown from wave to wave
You still will hear these lungs singing hard
With every storm I face
I find a greater grace
That pulls me deeper into Your heart

I’m sailing on a ship that’s bound for life
I wrestle with the wind against the tide
I'd leave it all behind to reach for more
I’m sailing on to Your golden shore

I’m sailing on a ship that’s bound for life
I wrestle with the wind against the tide
I leave it all behind to reach for more
I’m sailing on to where the water’s running sweet and bright
The sun is rising in the eastern sky
I'd leave it all behind to reach for more
I’m sailing on to Your golden shore

Song by Phil Wickham... prophetic word from Teressa

What would we do without Job?

I have 41 "drafts" in my box... I think I've only actually posted like 15.


Ronda is having me read this book that's called "Trusting God Again". It takes the story of Job and stories of peoples lives today and compares them. It talks about losing things, and grief, getting through it, and trusting God in the end. Hence, the title.

So far the writer (or writers because it's written by two people) is smart, but not really a writer. He uses a lot of bad analogies and pointless adjectives. Sometimes I get caught by the bad writing and have a hard time appreciating what he's saying.

So far it's just making me want to read the book of Job, which isn't a bad thing. I think I'm going to do it..

I realize that there's been a lot in my past that's happened, that makes me able to relate with a lot of different people. I think that is why Job is so important. Almost every bad thing you could possibly imagine happened to Job, and all in one day. You see his battle and his journey with healing and trusting God again. You see how hard it is, and how he came through it anyways. Now anytime something hard happens in our lives we can look at the bible, we can look at Job, and we can relate. You may wonder why all of this happened to Job, and why this is all happening to you, but now I wonder what would we do now if it had never happened to Job? What would we do if Job's life remained perfect, and our lives didn't?

Even now, more than 2,000 years later, his trials and tribulations are still affecting peoples lives today. They're helping people cope, and deal with, and get over. His trials help hard times make more sense, they show that even in the worst of times there is still the opportunity to trust God again. That God is still a good God.

His friends said that there must be unconfessed sin in his life or God wouldn't of let it happen to him. After a while they no longer sympathized with him, but they blamed him. And Job must of wondered what he did to deserve it all as well. Why was it happening to him?

I think that this falls under the "everything happens for a reason" idea, and the fact that God will work everything for good. I think that God let it happen to Job, because He knew that Job could handle it. And even though it took Job some 40 odd chapters to get through it all, he still got through it. In the end, one mans greatest hardship affected thousands of other people.

I think that surrendering ourselves to God is one of the scariest things we could ever do... what if we end up like Job? But even though it's scary, it must be the absolute best thing that we could do.

I hate hard times. I hate feeling like I need help and like I'm always on the verge of tears, or like I'm losing control. I know that out of these times comes the most growth I can experience, and yet I dread them.

But I also know that with each pain I feel, my heart becomes a little deeper, and in the end my life becomes a little richer. I know that because of all the stuff that I've experienced I can relate to so many people, and I think that when we realize that, it all starts to make a little more sense. That in some small way, I'm like Job and my hardships are affecting the people around me.

It's about letting go of ourselves and being selfless. Which in so many ways doesn't seem like a good idea. It's about helping others instead of helping ourselves.

I think if we embraced this, the hard times wouldn't be as hard, and being "let down" or hurt wouldn't be as scary.

It's weird. We can never stop bad things from happening, no matter how hard we try. And trying to protect and shield ourselves seems like the best thing to do, when really it's probably the worst.

I don't know if this makes sense, and I don't have effort to say anymore, but I'll post it anyways because I haven't posted in a long time.

Love (part one)

For a while now, I've been asking God more and more what love is. I think I blogged about this before, but with each new day He brings new revelation.


I started to ask the question on my DTS "What is love?" and along with that came many more questions.

Was it different back when Jesus walked the earth? Was it deeper? Was it more shallow? How did Jesus do it? What did it look like?

The bible says to be like Jesus. It says to love everyone, and yet that rule is one that we tend to let slip away. Or one that we take as a general thing like "it doesn't matter how you treat people, as long as behind everything you love them".

Do we realize that how you treat people does depict if we are loving them? Do we realize that not loving them is a REALLY big deal!

When I started to ask these questions I knew that I didn't love very many people. I loved a lot more people then, than I did 3 years ago, but still to love everyone seemed so far fetched and out of reach to me.

Agh but loving everyone is what I'm called to do!!!

I started praying about it more and I started to seek God out for His heart. I started to ask Him how He does it, and He started to show me.

These last couple months have been incredible, and hard, and interesting. They've been mind blowing and continue to be mind blowing.

I don't really know where to go from here. I don't want to write something so long that no one will read it, but now that I look at it I have a lot to say... maybe this is what my book will be about, but for now it will be a blog series.


Love (part one)