I went through and published old posts... the ones without the dates on them are early 2008 and go in order to late 2010 and then I start going backwards back to 2007 and all around but those have dates...
Hopefully soon I'll put my reflections on these posts, but maybe not.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Limbo... I'm in a limbo
lim·bo1 
[lim-boh] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun, plural -bos.
Personally I think I like all definitions of this word right now, but the one that I intended to find when searching the word (to make sure it was the right word) was definition number THREE.
Yesterday and today I had a ton of off time... during which I got extremely bored. (This damn computer types too slow and it's making me confused!!!) I'll have 4 hours of off time and spend two of them waiting around for my next shift to start. I know I'm working soon, so I feel like I don't have time to do anything, therefore I do nothing. (a limbo... midway state or place)
I feel like I'm sort of here with life too. In this strange midway point, just waiting around for what's next. But what is next?! Obviously it's not really a limbo, obviously this is where God wants me, and this is where I am supposed to be but.... I don't really know!
As Isabel has been telling me lately "You're not content"
haha and normally I am pretty content, but I guess lately I really haven't been. Not content does not mean not happy though, I think it just means not appreciative haha.
6/26/07
[lim-boh] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun, plural -bos. | 1. | (often initial capital letter) Roman Catholic Theology. a region on the border of hell or heaven, serving as the abode after death of unbaptized infants (limbo of infants) and of the righteous who died before the coming of Christ (limbo of the fathers or limbo of the patriarchs). |
| 2. | a place or state of oblivion to which persons or things are regarded as being relegated when cast aside, forgotten, past, or out of date: My youthful hopes are in the limbo of lost dreams. |
| 3. | an intermediate, transitional, or midway state or place. |
| 4. | a place or state of imprisonment or confinement. |
Personally I think I like all definitions of this word right now, but the one that I intended to find when searching the word (to make sure it was the right word) was definition number THREE.
Yesterday and today I had a ton of off time... during which I got extremely bored. (This damn computer types too slow and it's making me confused!!!) I'll have 4 hours of off time and spend two of them waiting around for my next shift to start. I know I'm working soon, so I feel like I don't have time to do anything, therefore I do nothing. (a limbo... midway state or place)
I feel like I'm sort of here with life too. In this strange midway point, just waiting around for what's next. But what is next?! Obviously it's not really a limbo, obviously this is where God wants me, and this is where I am supposed to be but.... I don't really know!
As Isabel has been telling me lately "You're not content"
haha and normally I am pretty content, but I guess lately I really haven't been. Not content does not mean not happy though, I think it just means not appreciative haha.
6/26/07
At Joey's Again
I'm at the laundromat again.. this might be like my third blog from here.
The system went down just after all of my clothes got done washing, so now they're sitting in the dryer wet, until the system turns back on. I'm kind of glad though, at least I have the internet.
I wish I had my camera with me on SOS I don't know why I didn't bring it. Dumb choice.
It's funny how people strive to be independent, make their own decisions, have their own life, but right now all I want is for someone smart to tell me what I'm supposed to do with mine.
I don't want to think about it, it just makes me want to vomit.
I pray the Lord let's me win the lottery. But I guess in order for that to happen, I'd probably have to buy a ticket first.
No it's not money I want, I don't want to be rich, but I guess if I had all of the money in the world my options would be endless... I would never have to choose a job or a career. (not trusting The Lord) With God I guess my options are endless too. In the sense that I could do anything imaginable if He told me to do it. What is He telling me to do?
"Pray about it"
That's the reply I get, and it sucks haha.
It sucks when I'm afraid to pray about something because I don't want the answer to be no, or because I'm afraid of what the answer is... I just always assume that I'm hearing Him wrong or assume that the answer is no. I have no clear thoughts, all I hear is myself.
I guess I'm just waiting for the obvious, and I'm not getting the obvious. I actually am not sure that God wants to give me the answer yet, I'm not sure that he wants my focus to be else where.
I started to write a blog the other day about the fact that I feel like I'm in a limbo but I never posted it. By "limbo" I mean a halfway point. Like I'm wasting time until I get to point A from point B. I guess if I knew what point B was, then I'd really really feel like I'm wasting time. I'm sure that I'm at where I am for a reason, and that sense (since??) I am here this is where my heart should be, this is where my focus should be.
7/1/07
The system went down just after all of my clothes got done washing, so now they're sitting in the dryer wet, until the system turns back on. I'm kind of glad though, at least I have the internet.
I wish I had my camera with me on SOS I don't know why I didn't bring it. Dumb choice.
It's funny how people strive to be independent, make their own decisions, have their own life, but right now all I want is for someone smart to tell me what I'm supposed to do with mine.
I don't want to think about it, it just makes me want to vomit.
I pray the Lord let's me win the lottery. But I guess in order for that to happen, I'd probably have to buy a ticket first.
No it's not money I want, I don't want to be rich, but I guess if I had all of the money in the world my options would be endless... I would never have to choose a job or a career. (not trusting The Lord) With God I guess my options are endless too. In the sense that I could do anything imaginable if He told me to do it. What is He telling me to do?
"Pray about it"
That's the reply I get, and it sucks haha.
It sucks when I'm afraid to pray about something because I don't want the answer to be no, or because I'm afraid of what the answer is... I just always assume that I'm hearing Him wrong or assume that the answer is no. I have no clear thoughts, all I hear is myself.
I guess I'm just waiting for the obvious, and I'm not getting the obvious. I actually am not sure that God wants to give me the answer yet, I'm not sure that he wants my focus to be else where.
I started to write a blog the other day about the fact that I feel like I'm in a limbo but I never posted it. By "limbo" I mean a halfway point. Like I'm wasting time until I get to point A from point B. I guess if I knew what point B was, then I'd really really feel like I'm wasting time. I'm sure that I'm at where I am for a reason, and that sense (since??) I am here this is where my heart should be, this is where my focus should be.
7/1/07
what is life supposed to be?
I hate not laughing. I hate going through weeks at a time with nothing really funny going on. How do I change that?
I used to laugh a lot, and I used to joke a lot. It's strange. When I lost my pain and all the stuff from my past, I literally lost a part of me, but it feels like I also lost the part of me that covers up the pain, the part that jokes around. The ability to not deal with anything and instead just make it funny. Which is a good thing of course... but why can't life be funnier.
I look at people walking around that seem fine, but they just don't seem alive. They just don't seem like they're having fun. And maybe they're content and maybe nothings wrong... but shouldn't it be better than that?
For some reason I have a quote in my head from someone saying that we were never meant to be happy. But we are right? God wants us to be happy doesn't He?
On outreach on one of the ministry nights in the Piazza I felt like God wanted me to be happy, like he was telling me to have joy. I was in a group with Ronda and Audre, we walked around a lot and then Ronda turned to me and said "You felt like God wanted you to be happy tonight, okay, what makes you happy?"
Good question
Oh wow... I just remembered my initial thought to that question and it wasn't a good one.
7/21/07
Getting high and having a glass of wine was my first thought.
I used to laugh a lot, and I used to joke a lot. It's strange. When I lost my pain and all the stuff from my past, I literally lost a part of me, but it feels like I also lost the part of me that covers up the pain, the part that jokes around. The ability to not deal with anything and instead just make it funny. Which is a good thing of course... but why can't life be funnier.
I look at people walking around that seem fine, but they just don't seem alive. They just don't seem like they're having fun. And maybe they're content and maybe nothings wrong... but shouldn't it be better than that?
For some reason I have a quote in my head from someone saying that we were never meant to be happy. But we are right? God wants us to be happy doesn't He?
On outreach on one of the ministry nights in the Piazza I felt like God wanted me to be happy, like he was telling me to have joy. I was in a group with Ronda and Audre, we walked around a lot and then Ronda turned to me and said "You felt like God wanted you to be happy tonight, okay, what makes you happy?"
Good question
Oh wow... I just remembered my initial thought to that question and it wasn't a good one.
7/21/07
Getting high and having a glass of wine was my first thought.
I'm back in Redding and SOS has been over for about 2 weeks now. I miss everyone so much!!!! I miss the city too, but it's good to FINALLY be home.
This weekend I went up and visited Lydia in Reno, and that was fun. Then I came home and dogsat Sam Saturday night, and today. I always get a little bit creeped out when I stay out there alone. It's probably the safest place you could be too, not much happens in Palo Cedro. (that's the name of the town I actually live in, it's about 5 minutes away from Redding)
Last night after I hid all the knives and locked all the doors, I was laying in bed next to my cell phone, the house phone, and my car keys, when all of a sudden the bedroom door flew open. The dog was laying right next to me so I knew it wasn't him. I looked at him hoping he'd spring into action and start barking, but he looked about as scared as I was. About 1 million thoughts flew threw my head in about 2.5 seconds and I was sure I was going to die... but then I realized that the swamp cooler had turned on and it was just the air flow. Needless to say I dreamed that people were chasing after me trying to kill me.
Tonight I went to the movies with my mamma. We went and saw The Nanny Diaries. Not very many people go to a 10 o'clock movie on a Sunday night in Redding... my mom and I were the only ones in the theater. Some how we still managed to pick a broken seat and had to move. It was a good movie, I really liked it. I had fun with my mom, she almost fell asleep a couple times haha, but I don't think she ever actually did.We got to talk loud, and I got to run when I had to pee, so I didn't miss very much of the movie. We danced down the isles and out the door to the song playing during the ending credits. It was a good night.
I sort of want to be a nanny now, but earlier after watching about 5 episodes of Miami Ink I sort of wanted to be a tattoo artist.
8/27/07
This weekend I went up and visited Lydia in Reno, and that was fun. Then I came home and dogsat Sam Saturday night, and today. I always get a little bit creeped out when I stay out there alone. It's probably the safest place you could be too, not much happens in Palo Cedro. (that's the name of the town I actually live in, it's about 5 minutes away from Redding)
Last night after I hid all the knives and locked all the doors, I was laying in bed next to my cell phone, the house phone, and my car keys, when all of a sudden the bedroom door flew open. The dog was laying right next to me so I knew it wasn't him. I looked at him hoping he'd spring into action and start barking, but he looked about as scared as I was. About 1 million thoughts flew threw my head in about 2.5 seconds and I was sure I was going to die... but then I realized that the swamp cooler had turned on and it was just the air flow. Needless to say I dreamed that people were chasing after me trying to kill me.
Tonight I went to the movies with my mamma. We went and saw The Nanny Diaries. Not very many people go to a 10 o'clock movie on a Sunday night in Redding... my mom and I were the only ones in the theater. Some how we still managed to pick a broken seat and had to move. It was a good movie, I really liked it. I had fun with my mom, she almost fell asleep a couple times haha, but I don't think she ever actually did.We got to talk loud, and I got to run when I had to pee, so I didn't miss very much of the movie. We danced down the isles and out the door to the song playing during the ending credits. It was a good night.
I sort of want to be a nanny now, but earlier after watching about 5 episodes of Miami Ink I sort of wanted to be a tattoo artist.
8/27/07
I'm Watching Infommercials
I leave in less than 9 hours for San Francisco!! I should be sleeping, or packing, or doing something productive, but now it's a little bit later.
I realized something today, and I think that it was a good lesson. I didn't have the best day, it was actually pretty hard. I realized that "love" isn't the answer to every problem. I'm amazed by what love changes and how love does answer so many problems, and how it affects people. I'm amazed on how much the world would change if people simply just started loving each other... but that's not all it takes.
Sometimes you can love someone and they really won't love you back. (I'm not talking about boys... boys are far from my mind) Sometimes they will but they'll still hurt you. So what do you do when you love someone and they just continue to hurt you
9/25/07
I realized something today, and I think that it was a good lesson. I didn't have the best day, it was actually pretty hard. I realized that "love" isn't the answer to every problem. I'm amazed by what love changes and how love does answer so many problems, and how it affects people. I'm amazed on how much the world would change if people simply just started loving each other... but that's not all it takes.
Sometimes you can love someone and they really won't love you back. (I'm not talking about boys... boys are far from my mind) Sometimes they will but they'll still hurt you. So what do you do when you love someone and they just continue to hurt you
9/25/07
Don't leave your laptop on the table...
...it will get stolen.
I'm at Joey's Laundromat again, quite possibly my favorite blogging spot.
That means that yes, I made it back to San Francisco, and before October like I had hoped also. (thank you so much to everyone who is supporting me) I've been here for about a week and a half now, and so it's time to wash some clothes.
It definitely doesn't seem like I've only been here for a little over a week though, it seems like I just didn't leave. The time I spent at my house seems forgotten now. 6 weeks past has disappeared. But really it hasn't. I didn't do much during those six weeks except for hang out with a few friends and my family. I spent most of my time at home; recovering, sleeping, which I needed. I love my family. The more I'm around them, the more I realize how blessed I am to have them.
I'm glad to be back in the city. It's been sort of hard the past few days, but in an okay way. I'm thankful because I haven't been lonely. People have been really cool and have been hanging out with me a lot, and then I savor my alone time. I like being able to do nothing but sit in my room for a couple hours and be comfortable before I go to sleep. Spiritually it's been kind of intense, and so emotionally it has been too. Realizing that there's a spiritually battle going on even inside of me, I don't really know why or what this means. I had an incredible And a battle, it is.
10/07/07
I'm at Joey's Laundromat again, quite possibly my favorite blogging spot.
That means that yes, I made it back to San Francisco, and before October like I had hoped also. (thank you so much to everyone who is supporting me) I've been here for about a week and a half now, and so it's time to wash some clothes.
It definitely doesn't seem like I've only been here for a little over a week though, it seems like I just didn't leave. The time I spent at my house seems forgotten now. 6 weeks past has disappeared. But really it hasn't. I didn't do much during those six weeks except for hang out with a few friends and my family. I spent most of my time at home; recovering, sleeping, which I needed. I love my family. The more I'm around them, the more I realize how blessed I am to have them.
I'm glad to be back in the city. It's been sort of hard the past few days, but in an okay way. I'm thankful because I haven't been lonely. People have been really cool and have been hanging out with me a lot, and then I savor my alone time. I like being able to do nothing but sit in my room for a couple hours and be comfortable before I go to sleep. Spiritually it's been kind of intense, and so emotionally it has been too. Realizing that there's a spiritually battle going on even inside of me, I don't really know why or what this means. I had an incredible And a battle, it is.
10/07/07
I'm not tired right now, I think it's because I didn't do very much today, and I slept in late.
I think I need to start off by saying that I'm back in San Francisco, and have been for about 3 weeks now. It's going really well. Due to lack of consistent blogging, I think that's all I'm going to say about the past three weeks, because there would be too much to write if I tried to explain everything that's happened.
I'm in a strange mood. Normally I have so many things to say when I sit down to blog that I get lost in thought and can't finish, (I have about 10 or more not posted incomplete blogs) but right now I can't think of anything.
I had some good thoughts earlier though, I wonder what they were.
10/15/07
I think I need to start off by saying that I'm back in San Francisco, and have been for about 3 weeks now. It's going really well. Due to lack of consistent blogging, I think that's all I'm going to say about the past three weeks, because there would be too much to write if I tried to explain everything that's happened.
I'm in a strange mood. Normally I have so many things to say when I sit down to blog that I get lost in thought and can't finish, (I have about 10 or more not posted incomplete blogs) but right now I can't think of anything.
I had some good thoughts earlier though, I wonder what they were.
10/15/07
Smith
I feel weird writing a blog about a person (not a real blog I'm not gonna publish this) but I guess this is something that I should remember.
I know that God places all people in our lives that are there for a reason, but I think there are some people He places in our lives for a more specific reason. I've always felt like Audrey is one of these people, even though I have no idea what the reason she's in my life is. I felt like this since I did MA which is weird. I knew she'd be in my life again. At that point I had absolutely no plans on ever doing a DTS or anything else with YWAM. Even though she suggested I do a DTS she's definitely not the one who persuaded me, but never the less, I ended up here, with her.
It's been interesting getting to know her. Hard actually. We don't really click, and I don't understand why. Seriously the best word to describe it is just "hard". I don't know if she feels the same way. I know I love her, I care about her, probably more than I care about a lot of people actually, but still there's something that stops me from being comfortable around her.
Fear of rejection I think. I don't know why it's so strong when I'm around her. There's this constant battle to show her that I love her, but guard my heart as well, and it doesn't work. I don't know how to get past it. I feel like she rejects me a lot, like I just can't get through.
Before I came back on staff I was asking God why I'm coming. I just felt like God said "to love them" love who? Staff specifically, but everyone. I also felt God specifically tell me to love Audrey, even if it hurts. Really it does hurt. I realized yesterday that I carry around this "I can't be offended" attitude and with most people it's true, but with her she can hurt me so easily. Then I must try and be hard or something so I react rudely back.
But then there have been times where I tell her that she makes me insecure. Wow, how humiliating that feels, but how true. I hate to be affected by her honestly. I hate trying to love her.
Yesterday I was frustrated. I get pissed off trying to love someone who I feel doesn't love me... and doesn't really care if I love them or not. I was battling it out with God in the shower. "why am I supposed to love her? what do I freaking do to love her? how do I not hurt myself in the process? How do I break through walls? Am I supposed to break through walls? " In my head I was seriously thinking I can't put my heart on the line to be her friend... I can't keep trying... God I'm gonna give up unless something changes.
I got out of the shower, and sat down on my bed... ten minutes later Audrey skyped me and said "I'm depressed".
What? Is she actually telling me what's going on in her life?
I went over and talked to her. About random crap, not actually about being depressed, but it was good.
maybe I was just there, maybe I was her last resort, but it was enough for God to say "I still want you to love her"
I don't think it was a huge breakthrough in our relationship... I think it's a slow crack. I think it'll still be hard, I think I'll still be rejected... but I'm still learning what love is.
I'm not at all saying it's hard for me to love Audrey... it's easy for me to love Audrey... it's hard for me to show Audrey that I lover her... or to actually care about her because of fear of rejection.
10/25/07
I know that God places all people in our lives that are there for a reason, but I think there are some people He places in our lives for a more specific reason. I've always felt like Audrey is one of these people, even though I have no idea what the reason she's in my life is. I felt like this since I did MA which is weird. I knew she'd be in my life again. At that point I had absolutely no plans on ever doing a DTS or anything else with YWAM. Even though she suggested I do a DTS she's definitely not the one who persuaded me, but never the less, I ended up here, with her.
It's been interesting getting to know her. Hard actually. We don't really click, and I don't understand why. Seriously the best word to describe it is just "hard". I don't know if she feels the same way. I know I love her, I care about her, probably more than I care about a lot of people actually, but still there's something that stops me from being comfortable around her.
Fear of rejection I think. I don't know why it's so strong when I'm around her. There's this constant battle to show her that I love her, but guard my heart as well, and it doesn't work. I don't know how to get past it. I feel like she rejects me a lot, like I just can't get through.
Before I came back on staff I was asking God why I'm coming. I just felt like God said "to love them" love who? Staff specifically, but everyone. I also felt God specifically tell me to love Audrey, even if it hurts. Really it does hurt. I realized yesterday that I carry around this "I can't be offended" attitude and with most people it's true, but with her she can hurt me so easily. Then I must try and be hard or something so I react rudely back.
But then there have been times where I tell her that she makes me insecure. Wow, how humiliating that feels, but how true. I hate to be affected by her honestly. I hate trying to love her.
Yesterday I was frustrated. I get pissed off trying to love someone who I feel doesn't love me... and doesn't really care if I love them or not. I was battling it out with God in the shower. "why am I supposed to love her? what do I freaking do to love her? how do I not hurt myself in the process? How do I break through walls? Am I supposed to break through walls? " In my head I was seriously thinking I can't put my heart on the line to be her friend... I can't keep trying... God I'm gonna give up unless something changes.
I got out of the shower, and sat down on my bed... ten minutes later Audrey skyped me and said "I'm depressed".
What? Is she actually telling me what's going on in her life?
I went over and talked to her. About random crap, not actually about being depressed, but it was good.
maybe I was just there, maybe I was her last resort, but it was enough for God to say "I still want you to love her"
I don't think it was a huge breakthrough in our relationship... I think it's a slow crack. I think it'll still be hard, I think I'll still be rejected... but I'm still learning what love is.
I'm not at all saying it's hard for me to love Audrey... it's easy for me to love Audrey... it's hard for me to show Audrey that I lover her... or to actually care about her because of fear of rejection.
10/25/07
Happy Thanksgiving!!
In two days I've officially been on staff at YWAM SF for two months!!! In three days I've officially been sick for three weeks! BLAH! I'm going to the doctor tomorrow though, so in three days I should not be sick anymore!
Today was Thanksgiving and today was really good!
Today we had Thanksgiving with around 60 people Some homeless, some not. There were eight turkeys (I think)! and all of them were different. I made a turkey last night for the first time ever, and my room mate Holli also baked one as well.
11/23/07
Today was Thanksgiving and today was really good!
Today we had Thanksgiving with around 60 people Some homeless, some not. There were eight turkeys (I think)! and all of them were different. I made a turkey last night for the first time ever, and my room mate Holli also baked one as well.
11/23/07
I haven't felt this confined in a long time. I hate lies... I hate not being able to be honest, not being able to be completely open. How annoying. How does anyone do it? How does anyone live with stuff hidden. I can't do it, I'm so sick of it. I don't know where to go from here, I don't know where to begin! ugghhhh
12/24/07
12/24/07
life goes on even when prayer stops... or does it
I haven't prayed much lately and what I mean is, I haven't had an in depth conversation with God in a while. I shoot things out there in hopes of a reply, I sit and wait for a few minutes... and even sometimes longer but I never listen.
No matter how long I sit there in the silence, I'm not listening. I'm scared to or something. Scared that what I'm hearing's not really God, or maybe that it is. Scared that I can't actually hear him anymore, and that I really don't know what's going on. Scared that I'll discover something scary... or maybe something incredibly plain, which seems even more scary.
3/18/08
No matter how long I sit there in the silence, I'm not listening. I'm scared to or something. Scared that what I'm hearing's not really God, or maybe that it is. Scared that I can't actually hear him anymore, and that I really don't know what's going on. Scared that I'll discover something scary... or maybe something incredibly plain, which seems even more scary.
3/18/08
Dear Grandma and Papa,
I know that you will probably never understand why I walked away from the Lord. It hurts to look at you and know that you have so many questions about who I am, and the choices that I'm making. It hurts to see the wonder and questions in your eyes, instead of the calm sense of knowing. I hate that after knowing me for twenty-three years you might feel like you don't know me. I would love to tell you that nothings changed
3/19/12
I know that you will probably never understand why I walked away from the Lord. It hurts to look at you and know that you have so many questions about who I am, and the choices that I'm making. It hurts to see the wonder and questions in your eyes, instead of the calm sense of knowing. I hate that after knowing me for twenty-three years you might feel like you don't know me. I would love to tell you that nothings changed
3/19/12
I understand why people want to hold on so strongly to the belief that God exist, without that belief what is life? People want to believe that there's a reason all the bad shit happens, that there will be good in the end and that "innocent" people don't suffer. I would love to believe that too, if it were all true, but I can't. I can't choose to believe that something is true, simply because it makes my life easier. The truth is that babies are raped in Africa, 5 year old girls are starved to death in India, 16 year old women are trafficked for sex in America, and it doesn't do any good to believe that there's purpose in it all. Lots of people die horrific, mutilated deaths, and if there was an all powerful God in this world, I can't believe "it" wouldn't stop those things from happening. Life is a mess, and it's scary. Humans are animals and behave like so. I started on this journey to find out the truth, and what I've found is that there is none. Life has simply become what we make it, or what we chose to believe. Around every corner is a person who will tell you something different than what you knew before. I find that for religious people their God is always exactly who they believe him to be. The great thing about being open about what you're looking for is that you can never be wrong. I'm seeking out what is most true in life. If you prove my beliefs wrong, it won't make my world shatter, I will have just discovered something new. I don't have to keep saying that the sky is green in fear of going to hell, even though my mind wants so badly to say it's blue.
I would love to say I'm happier now, and that things are easier. I would love to say that life works out better without God, and if I did it would definitely in part be true... but the truth is that the more truth I learn, the harder it gets to make sense of all of the horrible shit in the world. The more I learn about what's in my future, the more my past unravels, and the more my past unravels the more the person I used to be disappears. It's hard to hold onto hope, and hapiness without denying the trajedies that are happening before
9/10/11
I would love to say I'm happier now, and that things are easier. I would love to say that life works out better without God, and if I did it would definitely in part be true... but the truth is that the more truth I learn, the harder it gets to make sense of all of the horrible shit in the world. The more I learn about what's in my future, the more my past unravels, and the more my past unravels the more the person I used to be disappears. It's hard to hold onto hope, and hapiness without denying the trajedies that are happening before
9/10/11
fuck you for fucking me
My logic wants to tell me that you don't exist, and that you never have. I wish that I could believe that this is true, but my heart tells me that there must be a rhyme or reason for things that happen. That I have purpose, and that my life isn't just a waste. And if that's true, I'm mad at you. I'm mad at your for being so mean. I'm mad at you for making me this way. I'm mad at you for letting me be put in those situations. I'm mad at you for taking advantage of my vulnerability. For abandoning "your child". For watching these things happen. My daddy would never do that. Someone who loves me, would never do that. Yes God, right now I see you as the rapist. I see you as the child molester. I see you as the asshole that blinded my eyes, while you took stabs at me. You covered my memory, you dumbed my brain. You let me become this way, afraid. And you don't want me to know what happened, you don't want me to remember, or to be able to get over it. You want me to sit in this dark abyss and be scared.
I'm afraid of men; I never want one to take anything from me again. They've already stolen so much. You've used me as your puppet, as your experiment. "Let this shit happen to her, because she can handle it." I don't want to handle it anymore. I don't know if you exist God, and I don't know that you're good. I want to take my life, and be happy. I want to break free of these strings that you've attached to my arms and legs. I don't want to be your prisoner anymore.
12/07/08
I'm afraid of men; I never want one to take anything from me again. They've already stolen so much. You've used me as your puppet, as your experiment. "Let this shit happen to her, because she can handle it." I don't want to handle it anymore. I don't know if you exist God, and I don't know that you're good. I want to take my life, and be happy. I want to break free of these strings that you've attached to my arms and legs. I don't want to be your prisoner anymore.
12/07/08
God is Love
I'm an honest person. I do not lie. I do not hide who I am, I don't fake, I don't pretend, I don't keep secrets. I can't, and I won't. And here's the truth. I notice girls that are pretty, way more than I ever notice guys. When I see a pretty girl, I want to tell someone. In fact, in the last year I noticed that people were starting to notice how much I comment on girls, so I made the conscious decision to shut my mouth every time I wanted to say something. And even though my comments had never been conscious before, I was suddenly aware.
I was always attracted to girls. I always had crushes on them, even though I didn't realize that's what it was. I thought my feelings for girls were normal, and I thought that everyone had them. I didn't understand how a non Christian Actress, playing someone who is gay in a movie, could not be gay. I was throughly convinced that if they ever kissed a girl, they would like it, and they would "turn gay". I didn't understand that all people don't feel the same way, about the same sex, as I do.
I was always intrigued by gay people. I always felt like I could relate to them, and in a way I think I never really realized what being gay was. I always knew that gay people weren't different, or messed up, and that they didn't deserve to be treated that way by the church. I always wanted to let them know that they were important, and loved.
Sometime last year, I was walking down the sidewalk and I thought, "God, why can't I just date a girl?" This wasn't a weird thought to me, this didn't even strike me as gay. It was actually a frequent thought, but for some reason this time it stood out a little more. I walked down the street thinking about how much better it would be, how much happier I would be, how much more I liked girls, how it all made sense, and then I just kept walking. There was always the underlying thought that "I might be gay", but I was never worried about it. Every feeling I ever had felt so normal, it felt so humanly, and so I didn't identify it as weird.
As I've gotten older, and the pressure to find a guy and get married has become more, my realizations have become more obvious. I realize that my thoughts about girls, and my lack of thoughts of ever getting married to a guy, are different than most girls my age. I realize that finding kissing a girl more appealing than kissing a guy isn't exactly normal. I realize that I am at a crossroads.
This issue is incredibly taboo. I feel like typing out "kissing a girl" makes me some kind of pervert, and I have never felt perverted in my life. I realize that if I choose to "just date a girl", I will immediately lose friends, my job, and respect from a large amount of church going people. I find it strange that for the first time, in a long time, I feel like being honest about my thoughts and feelings is the worst thing that I can do. That people would be better off not knowing, and not seeing this part of me. I am horrible at being confined and I am screaming to get out of this shell.
Keeping things hidden, not being honest, not being who I am, seems like the most unnatural thing to me. Honest is who I am, honest is who I know I'm supposed to be, and I am so confused right now.
11/27/08
I was always attracted to girls. I always had crushes on them, even though I didn't realize that's what it was. I thought my feelings for girls were normal, and I thought that everyone had them. I didn't understand how a non Christian Actress, playing someone who is gay in a movie, could not be gay. I was throughly convinced that if they ever kissed a girl, they would like it, and they would "turn gay". I didn't understand that all people don't feel the same way, about the same sex, as I do.
I was always intrigued by gay people. I always felt like I could relate to them, and in a way I think I never really realized what being gay was. I always knew that gay people weren't different, or messed up, and that they didn't deserve to be treated that way by the church. I always wanted to let them know that they were important, and loved.
Sometime last year, I was walking down the sidewalk and I thought, "God, why can't I just date a girl?" This wasn't a weird thought to me, this didn't even strike me as gay. It was actually a frequent thought, but for some reason this time it stood out a little more. I walked down the street thinking about how much better it would be, how much happier I would be, how much more I liked girls, how it all made sense, and then I just kept walking. There was always the underlying thought that "I might be gay", but I was never worried about it. Every feeling I ever had felt so normal, it felt so humanly, and so I didn't identify it as weird.
As I've gotten older, and the pressure to find a guy and get married has become more, my realizations have become more obvious. I realize that my thoughts about girls, and my lack of thoughts of ever getting married to a guy, are different than most girls my age. I realize that finding kissing a girl more appealing than kissing a guy isn't exactly normal. I realize that I am at a crossroads.
This issue is incredibly taboo. I feel like typing out "kissing a girl" makes me some kind of pervert, and I have never felt perverted in my life. I realize that if I choose to "just date a girl", I will immediately lose friends, my job, and respect from a large amount of church going people. I find it strange that for the first time, in a long time, I feel like being honest about my thoughts and feelings is the worst thing that I can do. That people would be better off not knowing, and not seeing this part of me. I am horrible at being confined and I am screaming to get out of this shell.
Keeping things hidden, not being honest, not being who I am, seems like the most unnatural thing to me. Honest is who I am, honest is who I know I'm supposed to be, and I am so confused right now.
11/27/08
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