I went through and published old posts... the ones without the dates on them are early 2008 and go in order to late 2010 and then I start going backwards back to 2007 and all around but those have dates...
Hopefully soon I'll put my reflections on these posts, but maybe not.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Limbo... I'm in a limbo
lim·bo1 
[lim-boh] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun, plural -bos.
Personally I think I like all definitions of this word right now, but the one that I intended to find when searching the word (to make sure it was the right word) was definition number THREE.
Yesterday and today I had a ton of off time... during which I got extremely bored. (This damn computer types too slow and it's making me confused!!!) I'll have 4 hours of off time and spend two of them waiting around for my next shift to start. I know I'm working soon, so I feel like I don't have time to do anything, therefore I do nothing. (a limbo... midway state or place)
I feel like I'm sort of here with life too. In this strange midway point, just waiting around for what's next. But what is next?! Obviously it's not really a limbo, obviously this is where God wants me, and this is where I am supposed to be but.... I don't really know!
As Isabel has been telling me lately "You're not content"
haha and normally I am pretty content, but I guess lately I really haven't been. Not content does not mean not happy though, I think it just means not appreciative haha.
6/26/07
[lim-boh] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun, plural -bos. | 1. | (often initial capital letter) Roman Catholic Theology. a region on the border of hell or heaven, serving as the abode after death of unbaptized infants (limbo of infants) and of the righteous who died before the coming of Christ (limbo of the fathers or limbo of the patriarchs). |
| 2. | a place or state of oblivion to which persons or things are regarded as being relegated when cast aside, forgotten, past, or out of date: My youthful hopes are in the limbo of lost dreams. |
| 3. | an intermediate, transitional, or midway state or place. |
| 4. | a place or state of imprisonment or confinement. |
Personally I think I like all definitions of this word right now, but the one that I intended to find when searching the word (to make sure it was the right word) was definition number THREE.
Yesterday and today I had a ton of off time... during which I got extremely bored. (This damn computer types too slow and it's making me confused!!!) I'll have 4 hours of off time and spend two of them waiting around for my next shift to start. I know I'm working soon, so I feel like I don't have time to do anything, therefore I do nothing. (a limbo... midway state or place)
I feel like I'm sort of here with life too. In this strange midway point, just waiting around for what's next. But what is next?! Obviously it's not really a limbo, obviously this is where God wants me, and this is where I am supposed to be but.... I don't really know!
As Isabel has been telling me lately "You're not content"
haha and normally I am pretty content, but I guess lately I really haven't been. Not content does not mean not happy though, I think it just means not appreciative haha.
6/26/07
At Joey's Again
I'm at the laundromat again.. this might be like my third blog from here.
The system went down just after all of my clothes got done washing, so now they're sitting in the dryer wet, until the system turns back on. I'm kind of glad though, at least I have the internet.
I wish I had my camera with me on SOS I don't know why I didn't bring it. Dumb choice.
It's funny how people strive to be independent, make their own decisions, have their own life, but right now all I want is for someone smart to tell me what I'm supposed to do with mine.
I don't want to think about it, it just makes me want to vomit.
I pray the Lord let's me win the lottery. But I guess in order for that to happen, I'd probably have to buy a ticket first.
No it's not money I want, I don't want to be rich, but I guess if I had all of the money in the world my options would be endless... I would never have to choose a job or a career. (not trusting The Lord) With God I guess my options are endless too. In the sense that I could do anything imaginable if He told me to do it. What is He telling me to do?
"Pray about it"
That's the reply I get, and it sucks haha.
It sucks when I'm afraid to pray about something because I don't want the answer to be no, or because I'm afraid of what the answer is... I just always assume that I'm hearing Him wrong or assume that the answer is no. I have no clear thoughts, all I hear is myself.
I guess I'm just waiting for the obvious, and I'm not getting the obvious. I actually am not sure that God wants to give me the answer yet, I'm not sure that he wants my focus to be else where.
I started to write a blog the other day about the fact that I feel like I'm in a limbo but I never posted it. By "limbo" I mean a halfway point. Like I'm wasting time until I get to point A from point B. I guess if I knew what point B was, then I'd really really feel like I'm wasting time. I'm sure that I'm at where I am for a reason, and that sense (since??) I am here this is where my heart should be, this is where my focus should be.
7/1/07
The system went down just after all of my clothes got done washing, so now they're sitting in the dryer wet, until the system turns back on. I'm kind of glad though, at least I have the internet.
I wish I had my camera with me on SOS I don't know why I didn't bring it. Dumb choice.
It's funny how people strive to be independent, make their own decisions, have their own life, but right now all I want is for someone smart to tell me what I'm supposed to do with mine.
I don't want to think about it, it just makes me want to vomit.
I pray the Lord let's me win the lottery. But I guess in order for that to happen, I'd probably have to buy a ticket first.
No it's not money I want, I don't want to be rich, but I guess if I had all of the money in the world my options would be endless... I would never have to choose a job or a career. (not trusting The Lord) With God I guess my options are endless too. In the sense that I could do anything imaginable if He told me to do it. What is He telling me to do?
"Pray about it"
That's the reply I get, and it sucks haha.
It sucks when I'm afraid to pray about something because I don't want the answer to be no, or because I'm afraid of what the answer is... I just always assume that I'm hearing Him wrong or assume that the answer is no. I have no clear thoughts, all I hear is myself.
I guess I'm just waiting for the obvious, and I'm not getting the obvious. I actually am not sure that God wants to give me the answer yet, I'm not sure that he wants my focus to be else where.
I started to write a blog the other day about the fact that I feel like I'm in a limbo but I never posted it. By "limbo" I mean a halfway point. Like I'm wasting time until I get to point A from point B. I guess if I knew what point B was, then I'd really really feel like I'm wasting time. I'm sure that I'm at where I am for a reason, and that sense (since??) I am here this is where my heart should be, this is where my focus should be.
7/1/07
what is life supposed to be?
I hate not laughing. I hate going through weeks at a time with nothing really funny going on. How do I change that?
I used to laugh a lot, and I used to joke a lot. It's strange. When I lost my pain and all the stuff from my past, I literally lost a part of me, but it feels like I also lost the part of me that covers up the pain, the part that jokes around. The ability to not deal with anything and instead just make it funny. Which is a good thing of course... but why can't life be funnier.
I look at people walking around that seem fine, but they just don't seem alive. They just don't seem like they're having fun. And maybe they're content and maybe nothings wrong... but shouldn't it be better than that?
For some reason I have a quote in my head from someone saying that we were never meant to be happy. But we are right? God wants us to be happy doesn't He?
On outreach on one of the ministry nights in the Piazza I felt like God wanted me to be happy, like he was telling me to have joy. I was in a group with Ronda and Audre, we walked around a lot and then Ronda turned to me and said "You felt like God wanted you to be happy tonight, okay, what makes you happy?"
Good question
Oh wow... I just remembered my initial thought to that question and it wasn't a good one.
7/21/07
Getting high and having a glass of wine was my first thought.
I used to laugh a lot, and I used to joke a lot. It's strange. When I lost my pain and all the stuff from my past, I literally lost a part of me, but it feels like I also lost the part of me that covers up the pain, the part that jokes around. The ability to not deal with anything and instead just make it funny. Which is a good thing of course... but why can't life be funnier.
I look at people walking around that seem fine, but they just don't seem alive. They just don't seem like they're having fun. And maybe they're content and maybe nothings wrong... but shouldn't it be better than that?
For some reason I have a quote in my head from someone saying that we were never meant to be happy. But we are right? God wants us to be happy doesn't He?
On outreach on one of the ministry nights in the Piazza I felt like God wanted me to be happy, like he was telling me to have joy. I was in a group with Ronda and Audre, we walked around a lot and then Ronda turned to me and said "You felt like God wanted you to be happy tonight, okay, what makes you happy?"
Good question
Oh wow... I just remembered my initial thought to that question and it wasn't a good one.
7/21/07
Getting high and having a glass of wine was my first thought.
I'm back in Redding and SOS has been over for about 2 weeks now. I miss everyone so much!!!! I miss the city too, but it's good to FINALLY be home.
This weekend I went up and visited Lydia in Reno, and that was fun. Then I came home and dogsat Sam Saturday night, and today. I always get a little bit creeped out when I stay out there alone. It's probably the safest place you could be too, not much happens in Palo Cedro. (that's the name of the town I actually live in, it's about 5 minutes away from Redding)
Last night after I hid all the knives and locked all the doors, I was laying in bed next to my cell phone, the house phone, and my car keys, when all of a sudden the bedroom door flew open. The dog was laying right next to me so I knew it wasn't him. I looked at him hoping he'd spring into action and start barking, but he looked about as scared as I was. About 1 million thoughts flew threw my head in about 2.5 seconds and I was sure I was going to die... but then I realized that the swamp cooler had turned on and it was just the air flow. Needless to say I dreamed that people were chasing after me trying to kill me.
Tonight I went to the movies with my mamma. We went and saw The Nanny Diaries. Not very many people go to a 10 o'clock movie on a Sunday night in Redding... my mom and I were the only ones in the theater. Some how we still managed to pick a broken seat and had to move. It was a good movie, I really liked it. I had fun with my mom, she almost fell asleep a couple times haha, but I don't think she ever actually did.We got to talk loud, and I got to run when I had to pee, so I didn't miss very much of the movie. We danced down the isles and out the door to the song playing during the ending credits. It was a good night.
I sort of want to be a nanny now, but earlier after watching about 5 episodes of Miami Ink I sort of wanted to be a tattoo artist.
8/27/07
This weekend I went up and visited Lydia in Reno, and that was fun. Then I came home and dogsat Sam Saturday night, and today. I always get a little bit creeped out when I stay out there alone. It's probably the safest place you could be too, not much happens in Palo Cedro. (that's the name of the town I actually live in, it's about 5 minutes away from Redding)
Last night after I hid all the knives and locked all the doors, I was laying in bed next to my cell phone, the house phone, and my car keys, when all of a sudden the bedroom door flew open. The dog was laying right next to me so I knew it wasn't him. I looked at him hoping he'd spring into action and start barking, but he looked about as scared as I was. About 1 million thoughts flew threw my head in about 2.5 seconds and I was sure I was going to die... but then I realized that the swamp cooler had turned on and it was just the air flow. Needless to say I dreamed that people were chasing after me trying to kill me.
Tonight I went to the movies with my mamma. We went and saw The Nanny Diaries. Not very many people go to a 10 o'clock movie on a Sunday night in Redding... my mom and I were the only ones in the theater. Some how we still managed to pick a broken seat and had to move. It was a good movie, I really liked it. I had fun with my mom, she almost fell asleep a couple times haha, but I don't think she ever actually did.We got to talk loud, and I got to run when I had to pee, so I didn't miss very much of the movie. We danced down the isles and out the door to the song playing during the ending credits. It was a good night.
I sort of want to be a nanny now, but earlier after watching about 5 episodes of Miami Ink I sort of wanted to be a tattoo artist.
8/27/07
I'm Watching Infommercials
I leave in less than 9 hours for San Francisco!! I should be sleeping, or packing, or doing something productive, but now it's a little bit later.
I realized something today, and I think that it was a good lesson. I didn't have the best day, it was actually pretty hard. I realized that "love" isn't the answer to every problem. I'm amazed by what love changes and how love does answer so many problems, and how it affects people. I'm amazed on how much the world would change if people simply just started loving each other... but that's not all it takes.
Sometimes you can love someone and they really won't love you back. (I'm not talking about boys... boys are far from my mind) Sometimes they will but they'll still hurt you. So what do you do when you love someone and they just continue to hurt you
9/25/07
I realized something today, and I think that it was a good lesson. I didn't have the best day, it was actually pretty hard. I realized that "love" isn't the answer to every problem. I'm amazed by what love changes and how love does answer so many problems, and how it affects people. I'm amazed on how much the world would change if people simply just started loving each other... but that's not all it takes.
Sometimes you can love someone and they really won't love you back. (I'm not talking about boys... boys are far from my mind) Sometimes they will but they'll still hurt you. So what do you do when you love someone and they just continue to hurt you
9/25/07
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